u/No_Nail_8349

18 days in update:

So I’ve posted in here before about finally telling my husband about my daily oxy habit and how I still felt lonely since telling him. He has acted like nothing has happened since I told him and this made me feel like he just wanted me to keep it to myself. So last night I was having a rough time and finally I just blew up and asked him why he thought this wasn’t a big deal. I then realized just how little he truly knows about addiction and what I was going through. Some key points of the conversation were

-He had though that I told him this has only been going on for a month and I was mind blown of where he even got that from, so I explained to him it had been way longer than that. Then he assumed I had only used at work, I explained to him that this was a daily thing, there was no just doing it and just deciding to not use for a couple of days while off work. I don’t think his brain could wrap around the fact that I was always using and still functioning and he had no idea.

-I explained to him the reasons why I used. That the pills became something my brain learned to rely on for stress, comfort, energy, and escape. And now even though I’ve stopped, that my brain has to relearn how to deal with these things on their own, on top of dealing with all the other mental bs that comes along with getting sober. A big thing I’ve been dealing with is guilt over my addiction.

-I also explained to him how his lack of any kind of emotion regarding this is affecting me. While I’m so grateful he didn’t get angry and try to take my kiddos away, him acting so nonchalantly about it was affecting me just the same. I’ve hidden my addiction for so long and when I finally got the courage to tell him, I was met with “ just put it in the back of your head and don’t think about it” was like a slap in the face bc it is never that easy. I’m not saying all my emotions are valid but they are real and they are what I’m feeling. I told him I was feeling resentful towards him in a way because I told him that my job is a leading factor in my using because of the trauma and baggage I take home from it, even though I love my job, it takes a toll. I mentioned taking a step away from work and his solution was to “ tough it out”. I felt resentful towards him over this because I’m the breadwinner of the household ( and as I mentioned before , it’s unimportant because it’s not a competition, just how the cookie crumbled ) and I felt as if he didn’t want to take the risk of our lifestyle having to change and therefore didn’t want me to step back from my career.

Anyways , I do feel like we made some headway with his understanding of what I’m truly going through. I know it’s just from a lack of him never being addicted to anything in life. But I’m almost 18 days into this journey and finally seeing a light at the end. I did take the advice of joining a NA meeting online

Currently 12 days in now and all I can say is “ WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT” 😳
I made a post a few days ago about how I finally broke down and told my husband about my daily oxy addiction. While he wasn’t mad at me, disappointed yes but he said he would be there for me, etc. I’ve always tended to keep things to myself because I just didn’t feel like my husband has the capacity to understand things that he just does not know. Anyways, he told me to come to him when I’m feeling overwhelmed and things like this. I’ve tried since to go to him 3 separate times and explain how bad I’m struggling and his responses are along the lines of

“I know it’s hard but you have to be like me in a way, just put it in that dark place in your brain and forget about it like I do.I know it’s hard but you wonder how I just blow shit off or let it go don’t worry about it and don’t think about it and it’s gone”. Like DAMN DO I WISH IT WAS THAT EASY. Anyways, I just still feel alone in this and not really heard. I told him how bad I was struggling and how I was feeling guilty bc I feel like I betrayed the trust of my job and things. I told him I felt like I needed to tell my job, he talked me out of that. Then I suggested that I just maybe needed to take some time off of work, his solution was for me to just go back to work and “tough it out and put it out of my mind “.

I’m on day 9 of cold turkeying a daily oxy habit. For as long as I’ve been an addict, I have never once told a soul about my issue. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I felt like my whole body was about to explode trying to keep this all in. I started to feel like my kids and husband would be better off without me around. I’ve been through some shit in life but have never once been suicidal to the point I thought things out. My dad committed suicide when I was 12, I lost my mom when I was 2, so he was my whole world. I went into foster care after this. Anyways, point of that is- I swore I’d never do that to my kids once I became a mom. But when I tell you, last week I considered it. I never told my husband out of fear of loosing everything I have fought my ass off to get in life. I have a career where I had to fight my ass off in college for years and being an addict, is unacceptable. Where I thought I would meet judgement from my husband, he gave me compassion and understanding. He isn’t even angry at me. It was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. But the way my brain works, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. While I was honest with him, I don’t think he truly understands what I’m going through. He comes from a “white picket fence “ life and has never had true struggles , which is of no fault of his. I’m scared of this being used against me in the future if any little things goes wrong, I feel like this is something he could use to destroy me. My husband is not a vindictive person but this is just how my brain is wired.

And while I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, I also feel like the guilt of my addiction has hit me like a fucking freight train. I guess actually admitting my addiction out loud to someone other than myself is making the guilt just sink in and take its claws in me.