AITA for venting to my friends about my (now-ex) girlfriend?
I (19F) recently broke up with my ex-girlfriend (19F) after a 1.5 year relationship.
For the first year, I didn't talk about relationship problems to any of my friends. I was crying every night, thinking I was at fault for not feeling loved. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, I tried making my girlfriend, Kim, feel loved and I didn't feel the same levels of support being returned until we started seeing more eye-to-eye this autumn. At the same time, I began talking to 2 friends about relationship issues before I went to Kim. These two friends were originally more like me and Kim's mutual friends, but over this first year at uni our group dynamics and routines changed, and Kim became less involved.
I felt less alone this way. I didn't intentionally try to exclude Kim, but me and the other two naturally began to spend more time as a group without her. I never shared anything untrue about Kim, I gave them my perspective on conflicts, and even told them whenever we made up.
Kim occasionally asked me why she wasn't being invited to spend time with me and the other two anymore. She said she was scared they hated her and talked about her behind her back. She considered the two as close friends, but they weren't as close with Kim as she felt with them.
I let Kim know I thought it would be awkward & they didn't have as much in common with each other as they used to, but I also told her nobody hated her. I said that they're drifting apart because of college and I do believe this was happening. She was upset, but understood where I was coming from, and wished I could make an effort to include her with her best friends. I told her that there are still plenty of friends she has who she can talk to.
Throughout our relationship, I sometimes thought me and Kim weren't compatible because of the differences in values we hold, how we want to be treated and treat each other. I decided to cut things off with Kim this Tuesday. We got food and had a sentimental chat in person about it. She brought up that she sent a message reaching out to one of the two friends, but he wasn't answering her messages from the past 3 weeks. She asked if I could send him a random message so she could know if it was intentional. I obliged, telling her when I got a notif back an hour later. We dismissed it as him being too tired to respond.
2 days later, she texted me that she was scared me and the other two didn't like her at all, paranoid the reason I never entertained the idea of her tagging along with the two was because we used the opportunity to say bad things about her.
I told Kim I talked to our two friends about our relationship problems when we hung out. I let her know that I didn't have anyone else to talk to, that the other two were closer friends than me than they were with her, and that had been the dynamic for a majority of our friendship. Kim said that she understood that the two were the only people I could have gone to, but let me know that she was still hurt & upset about losing someone she was friends with for so long.
I responded saying that I understand why she's upset, but that I didn't want to be hurt and alone in a way that was mentally unsubstainable. She replied that she understands but she personally wouldn't say anything about me to anyone else if it could make them think less of me. I asked her why she would act in ways that could lead others to think less of her if they were to hear about it.
Kim defended herself by bringing up something I did that hurt her, saying it was to illustrate how she felt about me venting to the two about our problems without her knowledge. This situation was brand new information to me. She said that the thing I did hurt her a lot, yet she chose to keep it from everyone else's business because she was scared people would think less of me, I would be upset with myself, and my friends would all hate me if she told them about the situation. She admitted to talking to old online fandom mutuals who had nothing to do with me for advice, waiting until she could make sense of my actions instead of talking immediately to our real friends.
I was hurt by her bringing this up. I sent her messages about the times she made me feel hurt and unloved, the things I talked about to the two. I never did those things to her, and I let her know how inconsiderate those things were of her to do, especially to a partner. She said she appreciated being spoken to harshly, and wished that was how I communicated my grievances with her.
The first time I communicated to her harshly, she matched the tone of the argument to defend herself, and I felt if I were to communicate with her, she'd do that again. I stopped communicating that way out of fear that I'd be met back with the same tone. We talked more, and I let her know I appreciated how she kept to herself the situation where I made her feel hurt. I do think that if she went to our social circle it'd reflect very poorly on me without context. There are aspects of my communication in relationships that are influenced by OCD and reassurance-seeking behaviors that wouldn't come across clearly without explanation, which is something I gave her during the period she was hiding her grievances. If I'd known how she felt about the situation beforehand I would have immediately brought these up to her.
We apologized for making each other feel hurt, and I told her that it wasn't solely because I talked to our friends about her that they aren't interested her anymore, as it's what they see too. She sometimes made me feel hurt while I was with others. I felt Kim didn't put effort into the relationship, she agrees with that statement. I vented to my friends because I tried to love Kim in so many ways, and never got the same back. I feel bad that she was hurt by what I did. I know it really hurts to be disliked by anyone, but I think it can be something to reflect on, the ways she acted left me hurt and alone.
AITAH?