u/No_Pilot133

Long story short - I’m no contact with my sister with BPD traits. My mum has enabled her for years - explaining away her behaviour and turning a blind eye to the impact she’s had on me.

My sister recently wrote in a birthday card to my son saying how she ‘loves hearing all about him from granny’, which leads me to believe my mum is sharing information about my family to her. This has led to me feeling really guarded about what I share with my mum.

I hope it doesn’t sound petty but I don’t want my sister knowing things about me and my family after she completely wrecked our relationship. I feel really protective and don’t feel she has any right to know what’s happening in my life. At the same time, if I ask my mum to keep things private (even nice things about my children) this will likely upset her as she wants me and my sister to get along. I never ask my mum about what’s happening in my sister’s life as I don’t want to put her in the middle.

Does anyone have experience of this? How do you handle your privacy and sharing of information with your person with BPD?

Hi, I wanted to share an update in case this is helpful for anyone facing a similar experience. 

I’ve been no/low contact with my sister with BPD traits for 5 years now. The breakdown in our relationship was caused by a sudden and unexpected violent verbal attack - although there had been many other signs in the past. Overnight, I went from favourite person to most-hated person in a stark example of splitting. My sister’s brutal words broke my sense of self and it took me a lot of therapy to put me back together. 

At the weekend, it was a big birthday for my mum. The planning and build up has gone on for months. At the start I had some reasonable 1:1 texts with my sister - only for this to be stopped as she decided my messages were passive aggressive and she didn’t want any communication with me. Since then I’ve respected this boundary and all communication has been through a wider family group chat. Although awkward, I’ve actually found this really helpful as her communication stays more balanced and respectful while there are ‘witnesses’.

Anyway….after months of dread and build up the party was on Saturday…and it was just about ok. I was shaking like a leaf when I arrived and managed to give my sister a smile and a polite hello. I didn’t embrace her like with other guests (I just can’t do fake or forced affection) and managed to avoid any real conversation all evening. 

For anyone else needing to survive family get togethers, here are a few learnings - 

• Take a friend/ally who understands the situation 
• Don’t try and take control - I let my sister take the lead for most of the organisation. I found this hard as I wanted to contribute more but I had to let it go as I think she finds it a threat or challenge when I look to help. (At the same time, the fact that I didn’t do much could turn into follow up accusations)
• Be polite and very neutral (grey rock answers and no enquiry into their life)
• Avoid getting stuck 1:1 - stay with the group
• Really zone in on other people - I amazed myself by stopping obsessing about my sister by listening intently to other family members.
• Keep it short and have a get away - I drove and also had a genuine reason to leave when I wanted to.
• Remember the reason why you’re there - for me, I wasn’t going to miss my mum’s big day.
• Expect to be exhausted and sad afterwards. I love my sister and valued our relationship, it’s still hard to see how things have turned out.

Overall, I think I tried my best and showed up with integrity, instead of pretending that everything was hunky dory with my sister. I’m an anxious ruminator and am still turning everything over in my mind - eg should I have attempted a conversation with her? Was it ok that I subtly and politely ignored her?