How do you get through it
TW full term loss
This is my first post on reddit and tbh I might delete this later in case anyone I know sees this
I had my beautiful little girl almost 4 months ago. Everything was tracking fine. On her due date I woke up in labour, went to the hospital and no heartbeat. She was kicking fine the night before. No cause of death, other than her passing meconium in the waters due to unknown cause of stress (my waters never broke, midwife broke them when I was induced for the rest of my labour).
Birthed our beautiful baby the next day with her eyes closed. She was our first baby. We had a miscarriage a year prior to getting pregnant with her at 12 weeks.
It’s been the worst time of my life and all I want is my little baby back. It never gets better because I know that can never happen. She was 8 lb and should have been a healthy nourished baby.
Since her birth I’ve been plagued with chronic illness. Had to get a surgical repair for a bad perineal tear shortly after she was born. Them had to get my gallbladder removed a month later. Now I’ve been diagnosed with a skin condition HS (hidrenitia supparativa) which causes recurrent boils and cysts under my armpit for the past year and a half. Currently have a horrific outbreak, on antibiotics for probably the 7th time since having baby.
Feeling so sorry for myself but I am so sick of it. I haven’t left the house since it happened other than doctors appts etc. I have a few months left before I have to go back to work and I can’t stomach the idea of having to go back to ‘normal’, see colleagues, “how’s the baby” questions for those that don’t know and having to tell them.
I have two best friends who were pregnant at the same time, we were meant to have our babies together. They’ve had theirs (living) and I’m scared it’s going to change our relationship - one of them is insanely understanding (as I’ve said I’m not up to meeting her baby yet), and comes over when her partner can look after the baby, and one I’ve heard from once since her baby was born a month ago when we would normally talk every day.
I know some people don’t know what to say and things like that, but tbh I don’t know if our relationship will ever be the same at this point. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to meet their babies, knowing my girl should be a similar age but instead she’s in the ground. I feel like the world has moved on and I’m still stuck in my grief.
I don’t even know what I’m asking, or if I’m just venting. But I don’t know what to do with myself. My partners gone back to work and I’m at home and not able to physically do much to help myself while my body is still healing. I just don’t know what to do anymore.