r/StillbirthSupport

TW:LC

Sorry I just have no one else to say these things to who understands how I feel.

9 weeks since the 30 week loss of our beautiful boy. We have a LC who is 2.5 and I thank my lucky stars for him every day. A reason to get up on a morning. But sometimes he just doesn’t feel enough of a reason to continue (I know this sounds horrendous and I hate myself for these thoughts). Does my poor baby feel alone wherever he is and wants his mammy with him? Does he look at us as a family and think why am I not there with them? Does he think we’re selfish for conceiving him for him to leave us and never live a day in his life? Did he understand he was dying (first time I’ve ever used the D word to talk about him).

I know none of you have the answers, I’m just thinking out loud and need somewhere to put these horrific thoughts! I just feel guilt constantly about everything. I know guilt is a huge part of grief but it feels all consuming sometimes!

TW full term loss

This is my first post on reddit and tbh I might delete this later in case anyone I know sees this

I had my beautiful little girl almost 4 months ago. Everything was tracking fine. On her due date I woke up in labour, went to the hospital and no heartbeat. She was kicking fine the night before. No cause of death, other than her passing meconium in the waters due to unknown cause of stress (my waters never broke, midwife broke them when I was induced for the rest of my labour).

Birthed our beautiful baby the next day with her eyes closed. She was our first baby. We had a miscarriage a year prior to getting pregnant with her at 12 weeks.
It’s been the worst time of my life and all I want is my little baby back. It never gets better because I know that can never happen. She was 8 lb and should have been a healthy nourished baby.

Since her birth I’ve been plagued with chronic illness. Had to get a surgical repair for a bad perineal tear shortly after she was born. Them had to get my gallbladder removed a month later. Now I’ve been diagnosed with a skin condition HS (hidrenitia supparativa) which causes recurrent boils and cysts under my armpit for the past year and a half. Currently have a horrific outbreak, on antibiotics for probably the 7th time since having baby.

Feeling so sorry for myself but I am so sick of it. I haven’t left the house since it happened other than doctors appts etc. I have a few months left before I have to go back to work and I can’t stomach the idea of having to go back to ‘normal’, see colleagues, “how’s the baby” questions for those that don’t know and having to tell them.
I have two best friends who were pregnant at the same time, we were meant to have our babies together. They’ve had theirs (living) and I’m scared it’s going to change our relationship - one of them is insanely understanding (as I’ve said I’m not up to meeting her baby yet), and comes over when her partner can look after the baby, and one I’ve heard from once since her baby was born a month ago when we would normally talk every day.
I know some people don’t know what to say and things like that, but tbh I don’t know if our relationship will ever be the same at this point. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to meet their babies, knowing my girl should be a similar age but instead she’s in the ground. I feel like the world has moved on and I’m still stuck in my grief.

I don’t even know what I’m asking, or if I’m just venting. But I don’t know what to do with myself. My partners gone back to work and I’m at home and not able to physically do much to help myself while my body is still healing. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Hi all, I gave birth to my perfect boy, Arthur, last Monday. Obviously things are still incredibly raw being just over a week ago, but I have a 21 month old so life has had to go on and get back to "normal" fairly quickly. My partner and I feel so lucky and grateful that we have our daughter to help us stay grounded and to pour our love into during this time, however we are really starting to feel the other side of things now. In an effort to try to both keep ourselves busy and to kind of "make up" for the weird few weeks out daughter has had (I was in hospital for a while and then found out Arthur's heart had stopped beating while I was inpatient), we have been trying to get out and about with her as much as possible. One issue we're dealing with right now is that taking a toddler out means inevitably frequenting spaces that have a lot of babies. Every time I see a newborn, or a father with their son, or siblings playing together I just completely break down. I feel so robbed of the life we had imagined with our two babies, especially after a really difficult pregnancy which then ended so suddenly right at the end. I don't want to stop taking my daughter out, or avoid the spaces that are most appropriate for her just because of my emotional reactions to the above triggers, but I am also so tired of the reminders and the pain. I'm also finding it so hard to remember that I am recovering from giving birth as I don't have the baby as a reminder/excuse to just be laying on the sofa bonding and feeding etc, and worry that sometimes I'm pushing myself too much to try to give my daughter some normality.

Apologies for the stream of consciousness and I'm not even sure really why I'm posting - I think I just needed to vent a bit and see if there are any other parents that have been through a similar situation that can offer any words of wisdom?

AIO?

TW: pregnancy loss

I delivered my son in a stillbirth late second trimester last summer. It was extremely traumatic and devastating for me. I understand that it’s not something you can really understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself, and that it’s hard to know what to say. A lot of people said well-intentioned things that hurt (ex: “you can always try again”), but I feel like two friends said something especially hurtful. I love these two people and I know they didn’t intend to be hurtful. A year later I’m still thinking about what they said.

One friend via text immediately after I told her, after some truly kind-hearted words of condolence: “Please reach out if there is ever anything I can do. Would also love to do that girls night out soon with you guys!”

I tell you that I had to deliver my stillborn baby, I’m grieving, and you say, “let’s do a girl’s night out” ???

Another friend via text two weeks later to a group chat:

“1. Checking in on [me]!

2. Checking how the moves are going for [another friend] and [me]

3. Anyone have suggestions where to get shapewear for an upcoming wedding? “

Literally lumping “how are you doing after the most traumatic event and loss you’ve ever experienced” with asking for shapewear recs?

AIO? Do I ever bring these things up at this point? I thought I’d get over it by now but I still feel so hurt every time I think of it.

Has anyone just wanted to blow up their life and start over somewhere new after stillbirth? And has anyone actually done it?

I had my first pregnancy this year at age 30. It was very much wanted and I was so excited. At my dating scan they told me it was di/di twins, which temporarily sent me and my husband into panic mode. After a week or so the shock wore off and I went into full planning mode. At my anatomy scan they told me my baby boy had no heart beat, but my baby girl was healthy and measuring on track. It was confusing leaving that appointment, grieving one twin but hopeful for the other. I felt like a walking grave and incubator at the same time. That was short lived, baby boy made his appearance the following week. Long story short, after 18 days of hospital stays and mental torture I gave birth to a stillborn baby girl at 23 weeks.

I started therapy, and it has been helping me process everything that happened, but I just don’t know how to go back to my old life. It has only been 4 weeks so I’m trying to tell myself to not make any big decisions in the thick of my grief but I can’t shake the feeling of starting over somewhere close to my siblings where not many people know me.

I co-own a business and work in retail, so my entire day involves interactions with the public. I am dreading going back so, so much. I live in my hometown where everyone knows me, so now I’ve been travelling out of town to grocery shop and run errands.

Has anyone else started a new job, or moved away? Did it help?

My baby girl was supposed to be a rainbow after two miscarriages. Instead, six weeks ago she became an angel suddenly in the third trimester.

People who mean well have been encouraging me to have hope or keep hope for the future or future pregnancies. I'm ALL OUT HOPE ! I had hope, and joy and resilience all throughout this pregnancy. Fat lot of good it did in the end. Why must I be in a position to have to emotionally strive again, my partner and I did our time. We worked through previous losses and healed our relationship and ourselves.

Any pregnancy after loss is hard. Now, how do people literally expect me to be hopeful after stillbirth and recurrent losses. They can do the hoping then and the emotional heavy lifting, and see if it makes any difference!

Thank you for reading, end of rant.

I just don't know why this happened. He was moving yesterday. I've had prodromal labor for weeks but went into actual labor this morning , got all excited and headed in just to find no heartbeat. This was our first baby and I don't know if I could ever be pregnant again.

I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart that we are in this group . There is LITERALLY NOTHING worse than losing a child. I am 8 months pp. i ache for my baby girl and our planned future .

I have two lc already so I know how lucky I am . But I want to try again. Does that make me crazy? I am almost 36. I die everyday just looking at my body & wishing I had my baby girl who was inside of me for safe 9’months.

I am terrified of going through this again. Can anyone please share any positive stories if anyone has had a successful birth of a lc after a stillbirth ? Especially considering my age already ?

Peace and blessings to all you mommies and daddies . I pray our babies are all safe and happy and continue looking down on us and give us strength . Big hugs to all.

I’m looking for some advice on how I can help my friends. 4.5 years ago they lost their boy at birth, and after talking to him yesterday I’m seeing just how much his boy is still missing in his life. He has three older boys but feels like there’s still a hole missing. I was in school when it happened and wasn’t a good present friend at the time and I want to help rectify that and honour their boy in some way.

I’m worried about overstepping but also know that not talking about it is just about the worst thing I could do, so I’m hoping for any suggestion on how to help. Thank you kindly 🙏🏽

About two months ago I gave birth to my daughter sleeping at 39+4. Since she died, both my family and my husband's family have repeatedly told us that they will always talk about our daughter (their granddaughter).

Well, my went out for ice cream tonight and my in-laws ran into someone they knew. While waiting in line and having casual conversation, my in-laws were asked if they have any grandchildren and how many... my father-in-law responded, "We have two."

And my heart immediately sank because he has three grandchildren- two of them living.

I understand how uncomfortable it may be to answer that question and how it may be considered "weird" to count a grandchild that's dead.

But fuck. Just fucking acknowledge my daughter, too. Some people might ask how old the grandchildren are and some might not. I frankly don't care that it might be uncomfortable to have to tell someone that one of those grandchildren was born still. My daughter matters too and we shouldn't have to hide that she existed.

I know my father-in-law had no bad intentions and he likely didn't want to have to possibly explain my daughter's stillbirth. And at the same time, please just acknowledge her. Please still count her as one of your grandchildren. Please still say her name if people ask.

I don't want my daughter to be a secret.