u/MamaToAnAngleBaby

I received my daughter's post mortem today.

Some of you know my story, and some may not. I birthed my darling IVF daughter 41wks sleeping. Today I had her post mortem meeting. It was hard, I cried the whole time. Now, staring at this bit of paper that tells me what happened to my baby, has opened up so much blame...so much more pain, I am devastated, knowing if I would've just accepted to be induced at 40wks, my baby girl would be here, with me, exactly 3 months old, instead of being in a permanent resting place way before her time. She lost her life, because I wanted to hold on longer and give her a chance to come when she was ready, I didn't want to force her into the world, because quite simply there were no signs of anything being wrong to have to do this. So yes, I declined induction, and now 3 months later I find out why she was born sleeping, and this is why..... Diffuse villous immaturity and fetal vascular malperfusion. With a hyper coiled umbilical cord. I asked the question, we all ask, if I delivered her at 40wks, could this have been avoided, my consultant simply said "yes". 😭😭 I am utterly shattered, all over again.

Some of you know my story, and some may not. I birthed my darling IVF daughter 41wks sleeping. Today I had her post mortem meeting. It was hard, I cried the whole time. Now, staring at this bit of paper that tells me what happened to my baby, has opened up so much blame...so much more pain, I am devastated, knowing if I would've just accepted to be induced at 40wks, my baby girl would be here, with me, exactly 3 months old, instead of being in a permanent resting place way before her time. She lost her life, because I wanted to hold on longer and give her a chance to come when she was ready, I didn't want to force her into the world, because quite simply there were no signs of anything being wrong to have to do this. So yes, I declined induction, and now 3 months later I find out why she was born sleeping, and this is why..... Diffuse villous immaturity and fetal vascular malperfusion. With a hyper coiled umbilical cord. I asked the question, we all ask, if I delivered her at 40wks, could this have been avoided, my consultant simply said "yes". 😭😭 I am utterly shattered, all over again.

I have my 41wk sleeping daughter's postmortem meeting on Wednesday. I am terrified. I am broken. I am everything in between that I cannot put into words. I'll be 12wks PP tomorrow, and it honestly feels like it happened yesterday. Can anyone give me some insight as to what to expect? Just so I can be more prepared, I didn't think to ask my bereavement midwife when we spoke on Saturday.

My heart, I just can't, I can't keep doing this, it's 2 days away from being 9 weeks since saying goodbye to my world at 41wks. And each day the pain seems to be getting worse, I just can't...I can't 😭😭😭😭😭 41wks of awaiting for your arrival, for everything to be taken away in 5hrs. I feel so alone, so so alone, I just...I don't want to feel this way anymore, how to make it stop.

Trigger warning (potentially)

I'm not sure what to really say, but here goes, I'm hoping to get a little bit of hope and comfort. And I'm sorry if I overstep anything I say....

I'm emotionally recovering from a full term SB (41wk - 8wks ago, zero complication pregnancy) she was my 1st little miracle from IVF last year, 1st ever FET, and it worked. I've got 4 embryos remaining, I had a collection of 5 at 37, and the 1st one worked as I said. They're all untested, and I'm not sure if the grades, 1st was a 4AA, (I saw the time lapse of her growing, she was beautiful) But, the remaining 4, I don't know what my chances are, I'm so terrified the next 1 will not work, or any of them won't work. My heart is so fragile but so desperately wants my baby, I've got a consultation coming up next month to discuss and plan our next FET. Am I lucky to have more 4AA or better? What are my chances the next transfer will work? What're they with multiple embryos? Am I likely to need another collection or will one of these be my raindbow? I know these may not have an answer, but I wanted to try.

It's been 8wks in a matter of hours since I lost my angel, at 41wks and the pain is as fresh as the day it happened. Each night is a sleepless battle, each day is like carrying a heavy weight, weighing me down. It's taking everything I have, everything I am, just to keep going. Focusing on the future seems unknown and dark, the plans for my 2nd IVF miracle are underway. But I shouldn't be needing to go through all this again, we did it, we made her, our dreams came true and then bang...my world shattered, she was taken away before I even got to say hello. I am so so angry and devastated. I get her post mortem results in 4 weeks, and a consultation with the fertility centre in 5. Things are falling into place, but this pain, and the thought of things getting "better and easier" seem so unbelievable. Someone said, find a new focus, it'll help, I've done that, but why do I still feel this way. I have to be constantly busy otherwise I may do something terrible. I'm under my partner's watchful eye, because he's terrified something will happen (it won't!) but he can't relax, and I do nothing but cry all day and all night. I just want this pain to stop....

I was exactly 41wks, when my one and only baby girl came into the world sleeping.

I’d gone to my routine appointment for a 2nd sweep (23/05/26), but when we checked on her before doing the sweep her heart rate was reaching 190BPM. I stayed for almost 4hrs. Her heart rate settled to 160BPM and they gave me the 2nd sweep due to being happy with her heart rate and sent me home. On (24/5/26) Sunday, 18:30 I was admitted to be induced, because I'd been worried about reduced movements, they monitored me, and they were fine with the heart rate, I kept saying "she's still not moving" and their replies were always "we're not worried about her movements". My partner left to get us some food, burger king, my fav, he returned and we were so happy, excited and so eager to meet our baby while we ate. Around 12am, I sent my partner home, to get some sleep because the nurse said we had 2 emergencies so I'm now last on the list. My last monitoring was at 4:38am on (25/5/26) that's when I felt her two little hiccups and tiny little wiggle. My partner came back around 6am at which point I was having regular and painful contractions (no one was aware because no one came in to check on me), with the biggest smile on his face. At 8am we were told to go get some food, as we're being moved to labour and delivery in 30 mins. 1 and half hours (NOT 30mins) later we finally moved. I heard "good luck, you've got this!" I went to the room, and excitingly got changed into my birthing dress and jumped up on the bed. They got the Doppler, and said "just a moment, I'm struggling to find the heartbeat" something in me changed... I knew, I just knew... A specialist consultant came into the room and introduced himself, set up the ultrasound machine and as soon as he put it on her, I could see, I could see clearly. His words after "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat" haunt me. At 9:38am, exactly 4 hours between the last monitoring and hearing those words my baby girl left before saying hello. My whole world shattered.

On (26/5/2026) I birthed my forever sleeping baby girl, 5:05pm exactly, weighting 8lb 4oz, 56cm long. She was such a little chunk. She was our little chunk. Mama's little dancer. My absolute everything. After 8 long years to meet her thanks to IVF, I never got the chance to really be her mama.

I hope when we get her post mortem back in 6 weeks I'll finally have the answer.

I was exactly 41wks, when my one and only baby girl came into the world sleeping.

I’d gone to my routine appointment for a 2nd sweep (23/05/26), but when we checked on her before doing the sweep her heart rate was reaching 190BPM. I stayed for almost 4hrs. Her heart rate settled to 160BPM and they gave me the 2nd sweep due to being happy with her heart rate and sent me home. On (24/5/26) Sunday, 18:30 I was admitted to be induced, because I'd been worried about reduced movements, they monitored me, and they were fine with the heart rate, I kept saying "she's still not moving" and their replies were always "we're not worried about her movements". My partner left to get us some food, burger king, my fav, he returned and we were so happy, excited and so eager to meet our baby while we ate. Around 12am, I sent my partner home, to get some sleep because the nurse said we had 2 emergencies so I'm now last on the list. My last monitoring was at 4:38am on (25/5/26) that's when I felt her two little hiccups and tiny little wiggle. My partner came back around 6am at which point I was having regular and painful contractions (no one was aware because no one came in to check on me), with the biggest smile on his face. At 8am we were told to go get some food, as we're being moved to labour and delivery in 30 mins. 1 and half hours (NOT 30mins) later we finally moved. I heard "good luck, you've got this!" I went to the room, and excitingly got changed into my birthing dress and jumped up on the bed. They got the Doppler, and said "just a moment, I'm struggling to find the heartbeat" something in me changed... I knew, I just knew... A specialist consultant came into the room and introduced himself, set up the ultrasound machine and as soon as he put it on her, I could see, I could see clearly. His words after "I'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat" haunt me. At 9:38am, exactly 4 hours between the last monitoring and hearing those words my baby girl left before saying hello. My whole world shattered.

On (26/5/2026) I birthed my forever sleeping baby girl, 5:05pm exactly, weighting 8lb 4oz, 56cm long. She was such a little chunk. She was our little chunk. Mama's little dancer. My absolute everything. After 8 long years to meet her thanks to IVF, I never got the chance to really be her mama.

I hope when we get her post mortem back in 7 weeks I'll finally have the answer.