HSV resentment, relationship ending
TW: mention of miscarriage
I’m looking for advice, especially from people who have navigated HSV in long-term relationships or separation after building a family.
I (31F) was first diagnosed with HSV-1 in 2019 via lesion swab (HSV-2 negative at the time). When I started dating my current partner(38M) in 2023, I disclosed very early, on our 2nd date, because I wanted him to make an informed choice. He was very understanding and decided to move forward in getting to know me and then being a relationship.
I had been on suppressive antiviral medication after my diagnosis, stopped around mid-2022 (was not sexually active then), and restarted suppressive therapy in 2023 when we began dating because reducing transmission risk was important to me.
In 2023, I did HSV blood testing and surprisingly tested negative for both HSV-1 and HSV-2 (IgG <0.91). Because my original HSV-1 diagnosis had been confirmed by swab in 2019, I understood this blood test to be unreliable.
Later in 2023, my partner had a herpes scare (he had urinary symptoms, no sores or itching). He got tested and his HSV blood results came back equivocal, but he never went back for repeat testing because he was afraid of the result. Since then, my partner has experienced what we believe were HSV outbreaks twice (he had sores those times and antivirals made it go away).
In 2024, after a miscarriage, I repeated bloodwork and tested positive for HSV-1 and unexpectedly strongly positive for HSV-2. There is uncertainty around the exact timeline so I’m not trying to assign blame regarding the HSV-2 results.
Recently, after more than 3 years together and now having an 8-month-old baby, my partner told me that if he had fully understood HSV, he wouldn’t have moved forward with me. He said he feels trapped and regrets the decision. He also shared that earlier in our relationship, while I was going through miscarriages, he was on dating apps because he was unsure about a future with me given HSV and the miscarriages.
He wants time to think and wants to do what’s best for our child. Our conversation was calm. But hearing that changed something in me and made me feel that we need to separate. I don’t want someone being with me because they feel trapped, guilty, obligated, or because they think no one else would want them. He says that he doesn’t blame me because I disclosed but I am worried about being with someone who kept these feelings hidden for several years. Also, I worry about underlying resentment he could have towards me. He says he blames himself.
At the same time, I feel sadness and guilt. And also feel betrayed to hear that he was on dating apps while I was dealing with really challenging times.
So I’m asking:
Has anyone stayed with a partner who later expressed resentment about HSV? Did things « improve » or did the resentment remain?
If you ended a relationship after hearing something like this, how did you move forward emotionally, especially if children were involved?
Please be kind.