Intamcy is ruining my relationship
Im just wondering how common it is for those with a histroy of SA cope with intamcy. My abuse was childhood and im in my late 20s now it was SA on a regular basis for a year to 18 months by a foster relative .
I was always a reserved person because of it. Im in a realtionship 11 years hes been my only intimate partner really but im struggling with intamcy. Its absolutely destroying me and taking its toll. I feel guilty all the time. I feel like im not normal like im difficult he also tells me that so it doesnt help.
Ive an issue when its comes to beginning intamcy if its not said directly to me that its okay or any form of indication then I cant and will not physically act. After 11 years he expects me to be able to just u suppose know and be able to do these things to him he thinks its unnatural that I need that validation. Id never want to make a wrong move on anyone and it holds me back alot but I also dont feel secure enough to either without any indication.
I tried the compromise which is be vocal about it flirt you know and if were both there then its okay but this doesnt happen , what actually happens is I do that and he pretty much ignores it then tells me I do nothing , that im lacking and under performing (that broke me i always feared my past woukd impact me in this way and it did ) ,ive been in therpay for years ive told him what im asking is not a big thing tbh its normal to me that a partner can say they want any form of intamcy openly and the other party agrees or doesnt in that time. He just expects me to know randomly. "Jump him " is how he put it.
Im vocal , I ask for simple cuddles all that ive sent photos ive done eveything I can think of and it goes over his head entierly his new recent thing is if you wont come to me first and physically intaite then we can go without ( he knows thats something i wont do and he knows why ) he also knows I just need some clarity vocally that its okay .. at this point I hate myself for it am I ever going to get past it he makes me feel so abnormal about it but I cant be the only one struggling with this. I just dint want to hurt anyone, upset anyone make anyone uncomfortable because I know what thats like.
I stuck to the compromise and it was set so id gain that confidence to be able to be more involved at the start physically but im doing it alone. I could be vocal ect for days on end about it flirty ect and its just tossed aside.
I feel useless really and to damaged.
The thought of being stuck like this and my partner or future partners seeing me struggle like that but resenting me for it abit makes me think I should be alone so It doesnt effect them to. Some days I just get so down i just dont respond I dont talk im more angry at my past as it goes on and even more angry at myself I feel like a failure.
It also means any effort I make isnt really good enough outfits photos ect for him to show im interested and i will also have to go with out the intamcy i really want for days or a week or more. Its really only ever when he decides but theres no communication either no desire a chore. I get into bed and im going asleep and then hes in the mood but i dont interact much in that time because theres no build up, nothing ,I cant take my body from 0 to 100 like that I just lie there at the start ( i hate that to i hate it )... thats a broader issue on his side theres never a compliment ect out of his mouth ever either. Ive been shot down with his only fans searches and things to it didnt help I already feel pushed back sexaully and that was part of it. I feel like its all my fault tho that we are here .
Has anyone at all any experince with this.