Looking for Advice From Those Who Have Been Numb Before
So I (26F) have experienced severe depression for as long as I can remember and way before I knew it’s name. My first suicidal thoughts came at 8, as I grew up in a southern methodist church and in a very religious family, at 8, I thought “if this hurts this bad, and I wish for it hard enough, God will hear me and take me back”. I genuinely thought I would just fall asleep and not wake up because it hurt too bad and God knew that.
Anyway, I preface that because I think it is important in understanding my perspective now. Basically, this has been my entire life, but for the past 5 years plus, I have been on and off completely alone. Noone that chooses me to be in their life. My parents care about my well being and I am very grateful for that, but for some reason, for the past 5 years, everyone that did know me for awhile gave up on me, and those I hadn’t known as long just didn’t stick. And now I’m just here and its just me. This is not new for me, as again, its been 5 plus years, but for the first time I am entirely numb. I didn’t even make the connection until I talked to my therapist again after 4 weeks and realized that me not caring about the deeper level stuff, and me not caring about the mundane things that made me happy, and now can’t even intake art that makes me happy, all happened within the same window. I dont care about any of it. That is not what I meant but I guess you don’t get to choose. Anyway, Im wondering if anyone has any advice on balancing this? I have really only been doing well the past 3-4 weeks because Ive been numb enough to fulfill responsibilities, but if I can’t even enjoy time I get to relax because I can’t focus on anything because I simply don’t care enough, how will this ever work?