r/majordepressive

On my lowest right now I need someone who can help me with immediate calmness if there's anything like that??

I just turned 18 last week, i got diagnosed in 7th grade and my life feels utterly miserable. I live in a stuck up part of texas with hella Jesus freaks. I wake up thinking about death, my death, suicide, i see everyone getting everything handed to them while my mom is in despair, my family has always struggled, never have we been consistent. Im all alone in it, i dont know how to handle the heaviness as ive pulled my weight for years but im reaching a breaking point. I just want to be a rich bitch who doesnt feel these things or think this way. I wish i was shallow and beautiful. Im just so suicidal and irrational. Ive been on and off with the meds. Feel free to talk about anything i really hate life

I haven't been able to get out of bed for two weeks. The semester started almost ten days ago, and I only went to class on the first day. It’s the hardest semester of my degree program, and I’ve already missed so many classes.

I’m not bathing, doing laundry, or eating; every day I tell myself, "I’ll go to class tomorrow," but I don't. Each day gets worse because of the amount of material I’m missing. It’s like a snowball effect.

I have bipolar disorder; I stopped taking my medication two months ago, thinking the hypomania would return and help me get things done, like cleaning my house, but my depression just got worse. I started taking my medication again two days ago, but it hasn't kicked in yet.

Everything got worse two weeks ago when I was diagnosed with periodontitis and told I needed a root canal. The free healthcare system doesn't cover it, so I have to pay for it myself, and it’s very expensive. I work as a waitress on weekends, but my boss is cutting my hours; he told me not to come in this past weekend.

The only good things are having my partner and my cat, and the fact that I reached out to my university's counseling service. I had a session with a psychologist I really liked, and I have another session scheduled for next Wednesday.

But missing classes and falling so far behind on the coursework is weighing heavily on me.

Thanks for reading

About 6 weeks ago, I started slipping into one of my Major Depressive episodes and when that happens, the first to go due to the depression is self care. Well, I’m chronically ill with life threatening illnesses and part of my self care is taking my medications. So lately, I’ve been taking them only occasionally and irregularly which is stupid and extremely irresponsible.

One of those medications is a blood thinner called Eliquis. Well, today I had a CT of my chest which showed the reason for the increase in some of my symptoms recently was…MULTIPLE BLOOD CLOTS THROUGHOUT MY CHEST.

It’s a terrifying thought and my neuro is consulting with a hematologist tomorrow to see if I need to be admitted for 24/7 IV blood thinners. But this is all the result of my severe depression. I haven’t cared to do anything. Not even take 5 minutes taking the medication that keeps me alive. I’m so embarrassed, incredibly ashamed, feel a lot of guilt and also just plain stupid.

None of which is helping my depression. Thanks for letting me vent though.

Seems I just can’t be happy at all anymore

There is so much stuff happening in my head, i unfortunately live in my head, a better way to put it is im trapped in my head. I really need help, not just want, i need it, i feel like this time im actually on the edge..I feel so bad everyday, both physically and mentally, in the last year or two there haven’t been a day when nothing hurt or nothing about my body and how i feel bothered me, there haven’t been a day when i dont feel doom. But the thing is, i cannot even bring myself to at least write out how i feel, like my problems, the stuff that i need help with. I cant say it out loud, cant bring myself to write it out. I dont know why, it feels like i have no energy to do that, but i feel like at this point of life i am just so close to hitting the rock bottom, that i am in need of help, but if i cant voice what i need help with, im not going to get it, but i cant voice it..its just a continuous loop from which i cant find a way out. (Sorry for incoherent writing i just feel horrible my brain is giving out thats what it feels like)

Sometime I feel low .. no energy .. anger issue

A little info about me. I’m a working guy in my early 20s, I live with a couple other people, but otherwise would say I have no true friends/partner. I just want to get this off my chest for a change and finally speak about my life.

I work most days, typically having 1-2 days off, split up in the week, but outside of work I have nothing. I just waste my time and life doing nothing to the point where I have been neglecting myself for over a year now and don’t know how to change. My diet is horrific, self hygiene isn’t much better, even doing laundry is something that I just can’t bring myself to do sometimes. I’ll know it needs doing, and want so badly to do it, but can’t physically bring myself to do so and then I’ll feel bad for not having done it.
I don’t even think theres anything brings me any sort of joy or happiness anymore. Hobbies and interests I used to love now mean nothing to me. I do enjoy when I go out and see people etc but more often than not it’s like I lost my passion for life and everything in it. I don’t feel liked or loved anymore, by myself, colleagues, not even by my family.
Frankly, I miss the times where I knew everything was going to be okay. Whereas now, sometimes I don’t even know if I want to see the end of the days I’m in. I know that these things get easier and you learn to live with it in time, but I don’t know where to even start. No one close to me truly knows that this is how I feel, they know I have mental health problems and stuff, but that tends to be it. I’ve tried speaking to people about this stuff before but ultimately I feel like that does nothing for me besides making people worry, or they’ll judge my situation and think less or differently of me for it all.

So I (26F) have experienced severe depression for as long as I can remember and way before I knew it’s name. My first suicidal thoughts came at 8, as I grew up in a southern methodist church and in a very religious family, at 8, I thought “if this hurts this bad, and I wish for it hard enough, God will hear me and take me back”. I genuinely thought I would just fall asleep and not wake up because it hurt too bad and God knew that.
Anyway, I preface that because I think it is important in understanding my perspective now. Basically, this has been my entire life, but for the past 5 years plus, I have been on and off completely alone. Noone that chooses me to be in their life. My parents care about my well being and I am very grateful for that, but for some reason, for the past 5 years, everyone that did know me for awhile gave up on me, and those I hadn’t known as long just didn’t stick. And now I’m just here and its just me. This is not new for me, as again, its been 5 plus years, but for the first time I am entirely numb. I didn’t even make the connection until I talked to my therapist again after 4 weeks and realized that me not caring about the deeper level stuff, and me not caring about the mundane things that made me happy, and now can’t even intake art that makes me happy, all happened within the same window. I dont care about any of it. That is not what I meant but I guess you don’t get to choose. Anyway, Im wondering if anyone has any advice on balancing this? I have really only been doing well the past 3-4 weeks because Ive been numb enough to fulfill responsibilities, but if I can’t even enjoy time I get to relax because I can’t focus on anything because I simply don’t care enough, how will this ever work?

Cos I don't have any of those and some days I already wanna give up. Are some ppl just stronger? Is it because some develop depression while already working? How tf do u get ur body to do basic tasks like getting out of ur room to eat or brushing ur teeth or taking a shower? How do u keep going when u have no reason (not motivation) to do so? When life feels so empty and meaningless yet ur "obligated" to 'find a job', 'be a productive member of society' and 'somehow compete with the very competitive workforce/society that surrounds u'?

I started my mental health journey officially at 18. When I started getting my own meds. Started marijuana at 18. Took lexapro prescribed to me and smoked weed at the same time and ended up having a massive mental break and went into psychosis. I’ve never felt the same since then. The world doesn’t look the same, my eyes don’t see the same. This past month has felt like a boulder rolling down a hill killing every thing I love in its path. I feel like I’m staring at a bottomless pit waiting to be pushed in. I understand my father’s anger now, and I hate myself for it because I feel no better. I keep breaking shit, punching things, hurting myself, screaming at my loved ones. I don’t know what’s happened to me and I feel deeply hopeless. All the meds do nothing or make me worse. I don’t know how to keep living like this. Something’s gotta give, I just hope it won’t be me.

21 m, I’ve been dealing with depression/anxiety since I was a teen. I noticed in my adult years that I could never hold a single job for more than 4-6 months, I would get so burnt out on the work I was doing and just stopped completely caring about the consequences and the fact that I need a job to pay for my necessities. I’ve probably had over 10 job by now and it’s embarrassing to admit that because all I ever was told from family/friends that I’m just being lazy and should try harder, basically cope. I would later become very depressed due to trying to understand why I wasn’t like everyone else and how much of a “fuck up” I was and eventually it would end me up in a psyche hospital. Spent a few weeks in there and left with different medications , I started off with lexapro which I think had no effect on me , then to hydroxyzine and then now Zoloft . In my personal experience I really just feel numb more than anything and have lost a lot of interest for the little things I cared about . I seriously don’t know where to even begin to fix this and see it as pointless in useless to keep on going . Sorry to rant I just want to see if anyone could help me understand why I’m like this.

i feel so apathic towards everything please save me the only thing that makes me happy is my girlfriend and she lives a state away and im losing interesting in daily tasks its so hard to brush my teeth and eat or do anything more than sleep someone please help me

Ive been battling w depression for a while but right now its so bad i took off work just to try to give antidepressants time to work and stimulate me my husband been treating me like shit this whole time because I can’t really help out w the kids and bills and stuff but the thing is he makes triple of what I make w his eyes closed he can afford to take care of things for a month of 6 weeks but he rather make me feel worthless for my mental not being in the right spot emotionally and financially abuse me I have no support outside of him my grandma may help me from time to time so it’s so hard to leave but then o also feel like it’s more damaging to me and the kids to my mental because I just have nothing more to give I’m so tired of being a mom working going to school just everything that’s regular activities feels like a chore I’m so tired of feeling like this it’s not fair

I'm starting new meds today. A bit lonely and not good at socializing but here I am ...... Effort

🗿 Urghhh, I just think that I'm sucks at being depressed. Why can't I just don't care and just ❌ instead of finding it futile and dumb? In fact, why do I even care if I deserved death or not? 💀 Oh lord

Don’t tell them to stop taking their meds on a whim or whatever bs excuse you think makes you smarter than the doctors. People who have depression don’t want depression and they certainly don’t want to be on meds for depression. Just don’t! Go “save,” someone else.

M27, middle class. I have failed many times in my life I started with my JEE MAINS that I couldn’t clear then I took a drop here and also couldn’t clear then I had to join hotel management and then I started smoking during the internship because I did not like it so once III could not clear the J exam but I liked physics and math very much on the other side I had to join hotel measurement which I hated the most after my hotel management I joined fincrime industry and I have been working for four years so since I have joined the hotel management I wanted to give up on the thing as II gradually I came to know that I am going on the wrong path and I do not want to do this after that I tried for preparing for cat I tried preparing for UPSC but I was never consistent I can’t even say for sure that I was really trying I just used to have mental thought I used to maybe buy something about it but never been consistent till now I have joined or I have taken membership for three times and have been never been consistent last year I went to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with DYSTHIMIA so I started the treatment with the medicine and the therapy then I was consistent for few months with the gym and time very good but due to some reason I had to stop after six or seven months and now this time in the year for last year four weeks I have been feeling sad idk the feeling was there but it had just been intensified recently because I have finally come to accept that this is my life and I am not what I wanted I justified in my thoughts to give up on life and my brother is convincing me to get medical help although different person I have the different thoughts like simply they are asking me to do things simple things like wake up eat workout and be happy but I find it very tough for myself to do it like I don’t know what is stopping me sometime I think that maybe just I am really tired and I feel like I have been to a chair and I cannot move on the other hand . I feel that I am just doing these things to get attention recently like two weeks ago I bought a canola and my plan was to insert in my vein and leave the pipe open on the floor so that blood could drain out and I could simply sleep and never wake up but it didn’t work I also feel that I did not try full heartedly to kill myself I also video called my aunt the same time and that’s why I am confused right now that am I just seeking attention or am I just depressed I don’t know it is very confusing there are symptoms I don’t know like I am I have been not been eating properly for last 3 to 4 weeks now more than a month I usually stay clean but I have struggle to even wash my underwear have been staying on the same bed sheets and it is stinking although I go to the office and I work it is hard to work I had to put all my energy but I do work and other than that I don’t do anything I have started smoking and I smoke around 20-25 cigarettes a day now I stay alone in 1 RK Flat I feel that I am not depressed I’m just seeking attention I am being a man child who is avoiding responsibility and avoiding the hard work I don’t know what is it this is very confusing