Am i really depressed?
M27, middle class. I have failed many times in my life I started with my JEE MAINS that I couldn’t clear then I took a drop here and also couldn’t clear then I had to join hotel management and then I started smoking during the internship because I did not like it so once III could not clear the J exam but I liked physics and math very much on the other side I had to join hotel measurement which I hated the most after my hotel management I joined fincrime industry and I have been working for four years so since I have joined the hotel management I wanted to give up on the thing as II gradually I came to know that I am going on the wrong path and I do not want to do this after that I tried for preparing for cat I tried preparing for UPSC but I was never consistent I can’t even say for sure that I was really trying I just used to have mental thought I used to maybe buy something about it but never been consistent till now I have joined or I have taken membership for three times and have been never been consistent last year I went to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with DYSTHIMIA so I started the treatment with the medicine and the therapy then I was consistent for few months with the gym and time very good but due to some reason I had to stop after six or seven months and now this time in the year for last year four weeks I have been feeling sad idk the feeling was there but it had just been intensified recently because I have finally come to accept that this is my life and I am not what I wanted I justified in my thoughts to give up on life and my brother is convincing me to get medical help although different person I have the different thoughts like simply they are asking me to do things simple things like wake up eat workout and be happy but I find it very tough for myself to do it like I don’t know what is stopping me sometime I think that maybe just I am really tired and I feel like I have been to a chair and I cannot move on the other hand . I feel that I am just doing these things to get attention recently like two weeks ago I bought a canola and my plan was to insert in my vein and leave the pipe open on the floor so that blood could drain out and I could simply sleep and never wake up but it didn’t work I also feel that I did not try full heartedly to kill myself I also video called my aunt the same time and that’s why I am confused right now that am I just seeking attention or am I just depressed I don’t know it is very confusing there are symptoms I don’t know like I am I have been not been eating properly for last 3 to 4 weeks now more than a month I usually stay clean but I have struggle to even wash my underwear have been staying on the same bed sheets and it is stinking although I go to the office and I work it is hard to work I had to put all my energy but I do work and other than that I don’t do anything I have started smoking and I smoke around 20-25 cigarettes a day now I stay alone in 1 RK Flat I feel that I am not depressed I’m just seeking attention I am being a man child who is avoiding responsibility and avoiding the hard work I don’t know what is it this is very confusing