Lustful bf pls help
So I’ve been with my fiancé for a little while now, I’ve always been cheated on in every relationship I’ve been in regardless if it was physical or digital. I got with this really abusive guy when I was 16ish and was with him for four years and it ended badly, but I don’t wanna get too far into that anyways we had a baby and I finally got out when she was abt a year old. then I met this guy and we weren’t really meant to be anything but we just clicked and have been together ever since. he has always treated my daughter like his own and is genuinely a wonderful father and I got pregnant very early on into our relationship which he wanted. he’s 5-6 years older than me and he was really ready to settle down and he really wanted a baby. I view porn as cheating. Never put your mind where you don’t want your feet and heart to follow. Anyways as soon as I got pregnant he started watching porn when he got his new job he blamed it on being stressed out. He knew this was a huge boundary for me and just thought ”what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me” and he genuinely thought it wasn’t that big of a deal. It happened a lot it would be once every couple of days and sometimes id go through his phone and catch him. He said I had made a comment that ever since he got that new job his sex drive was low, which didn’t bother me it was purely an observation. so his solution to that was to go on Snapchat and watch all of the models that I look nothing alike because I have already had one child and personally I just don’t think I’m that pretty. They have some pretty unrealistic standards in my opinion. and watch them all day while he was at work and then come home and have sex with me so he would be more horny. That really hurt my feelings to know that he was watching other girls just to come home and use my body, especially because I was already pregnant, and every guy starts to cheat when you’re pregnant. we talked about it and he said he would stop and it wouldn’t happen again and I genuinely believed him because he seemed so genuine about it. then I catch him doing it again every once in a while probably about once a month he would do it for a couple of days and I would catch him because stuff would start showing up all over his phone just perverted videos either on YouTube YouTube reels Facebook reels Facebook memes Snapchat just those weird perverted memes and every time it’s that he stressed out or I’m not giving him enough sex and he just got desperate. He has photos of me which he does not use because he says he wants to see something new or he has that when he gets home, so what would really be the point of looking at that, and he recorded a video of us having sex to try to help with that and didn’t he just kept doing it and has almost our entire relationship every once in a while it’s not an all time thing but for a little while there became extremely frequent and he said he viewed it as cheating and didn’t and would not do it and then it slowly became He doesn’t view it as cheating and sees and it’s not that big of a deal fast-forward to me now our daughter I caught him doing it two weeks postpartum to a bathing suit ad and he thought that since it was a bathing suit ad that just popped up on his Facebook that it wasn’t that big of a deal because he didn’t seek it out and it wasn’t necessarily porn, and he jacked off to that and I caught him doing it and we talked about it and he informed me that he doesn’t look at my pictures because he simply just wants to see a body that isn’t mine. even though he is attracted to me and we have sex whenever he wants it but whenever I come onto him, it’s just always a problem his stomach hurts. There’s always a problem. It’s like when I try to initiate. He just goes flaccid. He comes onto me all the time and I have to drop everything that I’m doing in order to give him sex. if I don’t he will jack off to some other girl and then I find out about it. so a lot of the time I give him sex when I don’t even want to or feel comfortable or mentally OK to give it just because I know that if I don’t, it’s gonna come back and bite me later. I don’t feel pretty with him at all. in the past when we first had gotten together, He had made comments about my body and my weight when he is heavier than me by over 70 pounds which his family does and it’s very normalized in his family to to make rude comments about other peoples bodies and eventually he’s figured out that that’s not normal and it’s actually really rude and he didn’t really mean anything by it but regardless, I have never forgotten about it and I don’t really take my shirt off a whole lot in front of him or get undressed in front of him because of it and I don’t like showering together because of it and I just don’t like being vulnerable with him like that because of it and I’ve also seen what’s in his watch history and what he’s jacked off to in the past while we’ve been together and there are these girls that I looked nothing alike. He said he purposely jacked off the girls that don’t look anything like me because every time he jacks off to girl that resembles me he starts to think about me having sex with another dude and it doesn’t work for him. and every time I catch him he’s very honest and open. answers every question that I have and try to work through it with me and promises He won’t do it again and for a while he doesn’t, but then he always does eventually. and it hurts so bad. It breaks my heart and I always say I’m going to leave him if he does it again or if he doesn’t stop and either he doesn’t believe me or he doesn’t care he and doesn’t think that I’m gonna find out, and it has gotten less frequent and less big, but it’s still happening , and I don’t know if I can be with somebody who constantly just wants to look at other women. even if he stops doing what he’s doing why is the constant want to see other women naked there if he loves me? and he said while he likes to work on his truck, he also likes to look underneath other cars hoods as well. and I know that it’s normal to notice attraction but not go any farther while you’re on a relationship. and I’m just wondering if it’s normal for the father of your children to want to look at other bodies that are specifically not you. he has made me feel so ugly i’ve never felt this ugly in my life and I don’t feel pretty and a genuinely weighs all my mental health on a daily basis and I love him so much and we never fight and he is the sweetest guy. The only times we have had issue's is when this happens and we’ve been together pretty long time , but at this point, I’m at a loss and I don’t know what to do. I’ve given him everything a woman can and I do everything I can for him, but it still never seems to be enough and he said that he knows I’m going to leave him because he’s already messed everything up but he won’t stop every time. I think that he stopped or he’s changed it blows up in my face and it’s like once a month that this happens it is genuinely so suffocating. I can’t breathe anymore and I don’t wanna get out of bed. It’s not just porn to me. It Constantly impacts our sex life because when he goes and does that he doesn’t have sex with me. when it got really bad and he was doing constant. He was starting to not find me attractive anymore. He didn’t say that I could just tell he never closes his eyes during sex and he started to. I do not think that he thinks I’m pretty at all. I think that he’s with me because he loves me and I am an easy enough person to get along with and I am the safe route for him to go. I think he’s with me because he knows that not a whole lot of other women would put up with what he does and he doesn’t wanna be alone, but sometimes I think he is just waiting for me to leave because he doesn’t wanna be the one to do it because he would feel too guilty. I really don’t know, but I honestly don’t know if our relationship can be saved at this point just because I can’t trust him and I have never really felt safe relationship wise with him. and I don’t really think I’m going to because of the type of person he is. he’s just a really lustful man and it’s constant I think he might have an addiction to porn or be recovering from one and he won’t admit it. not to mention we were swimming with friends and he was looking at his coworkers girlfriend’s ass while I was pregnant and sitting right there with him in front of me twice. when talking to him about it. He said it was just there and he was just taking a peek because she was standing right in front of him. He knows how bad it hurts me and honestly doesn’t really seem to care that much because it doesn’t seem to affect him. I have never had a guy treat me as well as he does. This is genuinely our only problem. I don’t know why he does this. he keep saying just give him time and he’s doing better and he is, but it just doesn’t stop fully. and I still don’t know if I can move past what he said the other night about him, wanting to look at bodies that specifically aren’t mine, sometimes I wanna cheat on him so he knows how it feels. He doesn’t consider porn cheating so that wouldn’t be enough. It would have to be physical and it’s not like I want to cheat like I want to be with someone else I purely Just want to be even. i don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can be with somebody who I have to beg to keep their eyes on me and he has admitted that he has a wandering eye, but he would never do anything physical. I don’t know if this is normal. I don’t know if I am the problem here and I have unreal standards. I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations. I don’t know if every man does this. I don’t have an urge to look at other people. Don’t really find other people attractive. I get scared when he gets stressed out that he’s going to do that. I get scared when I can’t give him sex, especially being postpartum and being unable to, I get scared to say I don’t want to bcs ik he Will go somewhere else if I don’t. I was giving him head every single day and it didn’t matter he still went and jacked off to a bathing suit ad, which is honestly more disrespectful and hurtful because he was so desperate to he chose a bathing suit ad and my dumb self thought that he was looking at bathing suits for me but deep down I knew better. it breaks my heart and I genuinely cannot deal with this. I know that I cannot continue to stay in a relationship where this is happening. i know as soon as I’m done breast-feeding my daughter and able to go back to work again I’m going to take off and leave if this does not stop. and I have told him this and he doesn’t seem to care he cares about my feelings or much empathy for how I feel. I’ll never forget the things that I saw on his phone. they’re back in my head during sex to the point I vividly see it in my head and it really puts up weight on our relationship. I don’t know what to do. sex has to be on his terms and when he wants it and I’m genuinely so sick of it to the point it angers me somehow I am always the problem in our sex life even when I do everything to fix it I try coming onto him. I try bringing new things into the bedroom nothing works.
#lustfulman #heartbreak #isitcheating #help