r/SexTherapy101

Men who offer little to no sex, starving their female partner, what’s your reason??? I (28F) and my husband (33M) has a dead bedroom basically!! It’s a rare event in this marriage and is not at all good. Everything happens on his terns and he never initiates! Even if i initiate, he rejects me! He only wants oral just for himself most of the time! I don’t know the what the reason is till now! I started talking to him once and all he did was to lash out. Could someone help me figure out what’s happening?? I built so much resentment towards him in less than 2 years of this marriage… things were different before we got married fyi. He would drive 1.5 hours just for a kiss and now, i can’t even remember the last time we had a good kiss, no physical affection! I don’t feel loved or desired in this marriage.

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So I recently heard about a couple who got divorced due to a lack of physical intimacy. These people were madly in love and the guy had erectile issues but kept putting off going to a professional perhaps due to laziness or maybe taboo. They were together for 11 months. I am on antidepressants and have a very low sex drive because of it so for me it seemed like they could have given each other more time and if everything else is amazing is sex really all that important in life? I would like to hear thoughts of normal people with normal sex drives

28F 29M. This is my first long term relationship and I’m curious if this is normal to go through. My bf and I have had a really fun sex life our whole relationship. We are nearing the two year mark and just moved into a new apartment. All of a sudden I feel like our sex life has kinda changed. We’re doing it a little less and honestly, I haven’t felt as in the mood recently. Tonight in particular, all of a sudden I just couldn’t get to an orgasm when normally I do every single time. I don’t know if I’m now just in my head about it or what. I’m wondering if moving kinda just threw us out of routine and we need to get settled more or maybe my hormones are out of whack.. idk. I brought it up to him and he kinda gets annoyed saying nothing at all is wrong lol has anyone else experienced something similar? How did you handle it?

I have been married for 5 months to the love of my life of 5 years. We didn’t do a lot of sexual things before but we still did some. I have always thought i identify as asexual i never masturbated or had sexual relationships in my life until I met my husband. And I liked it I did however I hated the kissing I HATED the nipple play it always made me feel great guilt and sadness I researched people said it’s SNS sad nipple syndrome. I hated everytime he licked me in anyway I hated blowjobs so so much I also hated handjobs. I also generally hated the feel and taste of all these fluids. On the other side kink has been one of the very few things that turn me on mostly power play spankings and very few things. I like to dress up i like to dress sexy and take nudes of myself I like to dance for my husband and give him lap dances i love setting up the mood and lighting candles and making dinner and cuddling but that’s it I barely move past this point.
On the other side my husband is very honry he is so into everything I mentioned he gets disappointed when I push him away he doesn’t force me it just shows. I really love him sooo so much and I don’t want our marriage to end over this but I feel like it will either always be me forcing myself do things I dread or him prevented the things that give him biggest joy in life and it makes me sad and I really wanna change I don’t wanna accept me for who i am and all that great talk. Also we’re not open for open marriages for religious reasons.
Please help

My title only will make sense to me here. I’ve been on Reddit for several years just recently switched accounts to keep from under the clouds lol and always remember wondering what’s wrong with some of these people’s life’s but here I am haha.

I’m a young high functioning male, hard working, funny, athletic, nice, know how to use my words, know how to use my self control and all of the above. I feel like I’ve hit life with a hammer to the nails head in every situation and I’ve finally missed a hit.

My marriage was maybe the biggest hit at least 3 years ago when it started. Sweet, nurturing, Hot, blonde, curvy, athletic wife. Where I have missed my swing was the intimacy area. When young we would always get it on whenever we could and I would be the initiator every single time and I still am. Feeling unwanted yet giving so much. Plenty of satisfaction when in bed. I need to understand why that wouldn’t bring someone running back asking for more all the time.

I’m in Dior need of a group of reditors or someone go give general to help, advice or even to the right person let you talk about what you do to stay on top of it or would do and show me what I’m missing to give me hope for any future endeavors. I’m in the dfw area .

Please be nice. Tl;dr intimately unwanted husband needing advice

My ex (25M) and I (26F) started dating five years ago. From the very beginning, I was clear that I wanted to save myself for marriage. He wasn’t entirely on board, but he eventually agreed. Our sexual activity mostly consisted of hj and bj, which worked for him, but I never reached climax with him—a fact I finally shared after two years.

That was very hard for him to hear. He tried many times afterward and also told me that this mismatch in our libidos was really bothering him.I also never initiated the intimacy which was also bothering him. It was important to him that I also enjoyed myself in our ”activities”. Eventually, in our third year, he proposed(due to saving for marriage stuff), but I turned him down.(I felt so young to be married and he was so young too)

Later, he moved 16 hours away for work, and when he returned, he was depressed and told me that he no longer felt any sexual desire for me. It’s been almost a year since we broke up, and he is now dating someone else who is more sexually open.

Despite everything, I still love him so much. Now that I’ve moved out of my parents' house and am living in a new city, I find that I have a much higher libido(oppressed by a strict family due to cultural beliefs) and want to explore many things, but the person I want to explore them with is no longer attracted to me. What I do know is that he definitely loved me deeply, and I loved him just as much; that love never truly ended. It breaks my heart so much to see him with the new girl and yet I deserve that I guess.

I am married for 10 years now. Absolutely no intimacy in the marriage. I have a high libido and no satisfaction anytime.

Would like to get a female perspective and some support to deal with my thoughts and get clarity.

Okay, how to explain this in a way that’s not graphic (like I’m writing smut) but gets the point across in a way that accurately describes my feelings…I’m trans. Not currently on hormones, but I feel so much better about myself if I engage with my genitalia in a way that is a lot more akin to the way you would engage with a vulva/clitoris.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling turned on, I even feel a longing to be filled in an area that I can only describe as where I would have a vagina, if I had one. Even engaging in solo time, my fingers find themselves drawn to that spot. It’s hard to describe, but it’s so much like mentally I have those parts and forget I have a penis and testicles until they shift a certain way in my panties or until a penis does what a penis sometimes does.

I feel like I should feel weird that I mentally think of myself as having a vulva and clitoris and such, and even mentally “feel” a vagina there. Thing is, I kinda don’t. Mentally when I forget the penis and testicles exist, I feel great. Mentally and physically if I’m engaging with my genitalia in a way more like a vulva/clit than a penis/testicles, I feel great.

Like I said, I feel like I should feel weird but I don’t. Mentally I even kinda have a “need to know” attitude that, unless you need to know I have a penis, for medical reasons or so on, I feel fine letting you think I have a vulva.

I’m in a committed relationship so I’m not engaging in sexual hookups, and genitalia itself isn’t an everyday topic, so it honestly shouldn’t matter how I talk about what’s down there, should it? Is this too out there?

My girlfriend is almost three months late on her period yes her cycles can be irregular but it’s never been this late, yes I fingers and I can’t remember if there was cum on my fingers or not but even if there was it wasn’t like a glob of it it would’ve been more so of a dap but while I was trying to I couldn’t find the vagina hole she took a test it came back negative but even then the test look like it had a gray vary faded line on a pink dye test she’s taking another one soon lmk what you think

I have a tiny vaginal hole and I'm not trying to be risque when I say that. I genuinely have a small opening and then it gets bigger as you go inside. I don't think this environment is something that my partner understands. They me rub the outer walls that once they do that they think it's super huge inside and while it is they miss the small opening and I try to explain it to them but I think by teaching or even saying something about it they end up feeling small.

I can't help that but because I have to say something he also doesn't do oral or anything so when it's time for a condom he gets frustrated because likely he's not getting it in the way he wants to. So he wants to take it off and that's not helpful either but I obviously like him I've been talking to him for over a year.

Besides the sex thing I would say I like him enough to not want to look for someone else. I think he has a good sense of reality and he's a sweet lover when it comes to making time for me so I know he wants to make it work but I think when it comes to that part it goes in one ear and out the other because he's so focused on the fact that he's a man and he's getting criticism and that's not what I'm trying to do.

Any kind advice would be awesome sauce.

TL;DR: my wife "came out" to me as a woman who requires a domestic discipline relationship to have sex, and I am as vanilla as it gets. Not sure how to bridge the gap.

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My (M36) wife (F44) and I have been married for 15.5 years and have children together in elementary school age. Overall, we have a strong, respectful, and balanced relationship, though it is not without its issues like every relationship. I am egalitarian-minded, supportive, and loving, and have supported her to grow and reinvent herself in her career and self image (she had an abusive childhood which I helped her recover from and she has blossomed). She is an amazing, talented, loving, ambitious, entrepreneurial, and passionate woman.

Except for the first little bit when we met when sex was frequent and great (or so it seemed to me), sex has been a struggle for several years, especially since the kids were born. It would happen very infrequently, and in the last few years has basically died out completely. It seemed to be a matter of her lower libido combined with her various health issues and stress over time. I am the generous, giving, considerate, eager-to-please lover type who always made sure she'd orgasm several times before I did, and did my best to treat her right in every single love language (literally, by the book). I have done all this because I love her and I care about investing in the relationship, not just for sex, although it is true that I did hope that it would lead to a more active sex life as well, because the long-term lack of sex has been eating me up inside. Nothing seemed to really work or make a difference sex-wise. I got turned down so often that I stopped initiating almost completely. I am not the jealous type, but it killed me even more because I knew that before me she was sexually active and adventurous and I was not getting that "kind of action".

Then one day some time ago she sat me down and told me that she could not hold it in anymore and had to tell me something. She said that in order to feel any kind of sexual desire or arousal I have to be dominant. Well, that's not my natural inclination sexually but that is something I am more than willing to explore. The problem is that she doesn't need me to simply be more dominant in bed; what she wants/needs is for us to have a full-on domestic discipline dynamic, in and out of the bedroom, where there would be rules for her behaviour, I would be the "Head of Household", and I would punish her physically (spankings mostly) for any transgressions, with her calling me Master or Sir. She clarified that she did not intentionally hide this from me; she had tried to put it aside or leave it behind when we first got together, but realized years later that she could not.

I was quite stunned. I finally got to the reason of our dead bedroom life. However, before even beginning to mention the logistical complications of doing this with children in the house, there are not many things I would find less sexually appealing than hitting or controlling my wife. I escaped a war-torn country as a kid; I have no trauma from it due to great support I've had, but I am consequently a pacifist by prinicple and would never want a relationship like this, which I consider negative and violent, although she has espoused the great benefits it would reap for both of us. She wanted me to talk to other men who do it, especially those who were at first resistant like me and their wives convinced them to do it and now they have an amazing marriage, etc etc, but those are exactly the kind of men whom I'd never be friends with. I read a lot about it and it sounded like I was missing some kind of insanely awesome, little-known relationship approach that would solve all our problems, AND SHE WAS ASKING, ALMOST BEGGING ME FOR IT, except that it went against the very fiber of my being. It sounded like this is how men should really be taking care of their wives. It felt weird that how I instictually would treat women (or any person) was the opposite of what my wife (and apparently, many others) wanted. It felt like this weird, unwanted confirmation of the "women like bad guys" trope that I always dismissed. She said it would make the sex life insane, I could have my way with her whenever I wanted, and would also put her at mental and emotional ease to know she was mentally and emotionally contained. Here I was, thinking I am being the best husband by being so considerate and making decisions together with her, and here she was, wanting to be ordered around and punished. Did I need to reconsider everything I thought I knew about relationships, or was my heart still right?

The dillemma: do I try to do this, do I accept this tantalizing, almost literal magic wand she was essentially handing me (and I realize fully the level of trust and vulnerability she demonstrated by telling me all this), do I somehow ignore how I would hate it, how it turns me off completely, how I'd never be caught dead raising my sons to behave this way to women?

I have never been with anyone else before her. She had several relationships before me (large age gap would explain that). When we first got together, she told me she was into "very light BDSM" and that she has had relationships that involved it and relationships that didn't. I am about as vanilla as it gets. I am handsome and masculine, but you'd more likely find me looking up how to give better oral or maybe tantra techniques than buying a collar to put on her neck so that she feels claimed and owned. I made it very clear from the get-go that I was not into that stuff and she said that was fine. Little did I know that it was not something she could just put aside and that she would end up trying and failing to ignore this side of her for years. I was naive, I know. Part of me thinks this whole thing is not fair, but I don't think this is a constructive mindset.

Just so I can't say I didn't try everything, we tried it. I agreed to try. At least for her, since for some unfathomable reason (likely caused by untreated childhood trauma from her sexual abuse by her father, which she had been to therapy for but evidently didn't solve enough) it was important to her. So I'd spank and punish her, and she'd turn into a quivering horny mess wanting to be fucked, which was awesome, except that I was turned off completely because I'd rather caress her body than hurt it. It made me want to cry, not have sex. In addition, it quickly became apparent that this did not play out the way she imagined. I have no BDSM or domination experience, which is something that needs to be learned and explored. This would not be a problem if my wife was a patient woman; she is not. So she doesn't want this learning stage or learning curve. She wants properly done, complete domination, right away. It's almost like a comical movie thing.

**spank**

"Ow, that hurt!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm okay, don't ask me!! Goddamnit, you don't get how to do this at all!"

So this does not maintain the container she wants because I am still learning. Plus, I have no intrinsic desire to control her as I am not the dominant, possessive man she fantasizes about and I take no pleasure in the whole thing, so she knows I am not into it and just pretending, and then there is no point for her. The whole thing is a bit of a catch-22. And let's assume for a moment I could genuinely get into it, how would I learn? Go practice spanking other women? If I made a mistake, it threw off the vibe and she got mad and frustrated.

To complicate it further, I found out that she is what is called in BDSM a "brat", meaning she would constantly challenge my "authority" so that she would be put in her place. This dynamic turned out in my inexperienced hands as understanding she is resisting the instructions I was giving her, which didn't seem to fit with wanting to obey. Confusing.

So basically we tried it for a while but it quickly caused extra friction because it was not done how she expected it to be done and we shelved it. We saw a therapist who said that we should try to meet in the middle. We were not able to do that so far. My fantasy is pretty vanilla… doing it on the kitchen counter or in the shower, or getting woken up by a blowjob. When I jerk off I fantasize about having sex with her. Her fantasy is total domination and men controlling her. The gap is substantial.

It also ultimately came down to this: even if I could somehow make this work, what unhappiness do I prefer? The unhappiness of no sex, or the unhappiness of living a lifestyle that, even though there would be sex (if I could get past what I considered to be abuse and get an erection), would be a life of inherent disingenuousness and I would hate myself?

I chose the former. But I hope to find a solution somehow. As of now, there is no sex. There has not been sex, except for the very rare occasion, for years. And now I know why she was often not fully present during the times we did have sex, and that is because she was fantasizing about the dynamic she desired but was not there, and it explains sooo much. She spends a lot of time listening to erotica audiobooks about men dominating women. I can’t be the men from those books. It is a sexual life sentence; for the both of us, really, and I had no idea this is what would happen to me. I feel trapped and helpless, because I can’t even try any of the tips or techniques most therapists, books, videos, or online relationship coaches suggest to “improve my sex life”, since the very basic thing that turns her on is not there, if that makes sense. I could be the best in the world at sex and she wouldn’t be into it. A key ingredient is missing. I don't want to break up my family. There is so much more I could write, but it is already long. Thank you for reading this far.

How do I solve this? How do I bridge this gap?

 

So yesterday morning we had great fantastic hot as hell Love making session lasted a while but lately I've been wanting her to peg me I learned I like this a long time ago she did it to me and since then I've asked about a million times and it hasn't happened she said she likes doing it but seems like she makes excuses every time I ask yesterday we did our session in the morning but it was so hot that I thought about it all day that I didn't want to fuck again I just wanted her to peg me and we had a big argument last night about that seems like every time I bring it up it's an argument I guess at the end of the day should I just give up wanting that cuz now she doesn't feel like she's enough she says it's always got to be more well I want to explore apparently she doesn't What does that mean we used to now we don't I'm just really confused... I mean is it that big of a deal she tells me she likes it she likes doing it but then when it comes time to wanting it she either starts an argument or it just gets skipped all together I mean yeah we had sex yesterday morning but I just wanted her to do that to me in the afternoon and she's saying it's way too much Yes I do respect it but if she's telling me she likes to do it to me and it's only ever happened like twice or three times in last 5 years and I've asked a million it's got to be cuz she doesn't like doing it so she's lying to me I don't know I can't wrap my head around this one Am I in the wrong for wanting that from her of course I want to respect it if she doesn't want to do it but she says she likes doing it she's starting to piss me off lol

When I was 20 I had my first girlfriend. She had lost her virginity to me and not longer after that we had sex and I felt the most incredible feeling around my penis. Her vagina clamped around me.. it was unfortunate because it was unexpected.. and I think I made a face and I came and... It never happened again.

I'm now 43 and married. I have had a few partners over the years but it never ever happened again.

I'm upset by that because the feeling was incredible. I have literally tried to do everything I can in the bedroom to try and help make this happen again. Foreplay, giving head, taking my time, being rough (when they liked that).

They have told me they have come and enjoyed it but you never really know. That's how I feel. I feel like with men we're easy and automatic. With women it's so hard, so many things come into it.

I have had friends who have told me there girlfriends have squirt... I have never had this happen either.

I really do want to make my wife happy in bed.

I am starting to think that I must be rubbish overall in bed. I'm starting to really diet and work out like never before, I'm thinking that maybe because I have a bit of a tummy that I'm not attractive and maybe that has something to do with it.

Sex help sorry

Right bit of an odd one. Me and my girlfriend of 2.5 years were once very sexually active, would have sex most weekends as only time we get together with an hour between where we live. Anyways it has always been a bit basic as she doent like to try stuff which is okay. However last 4 months I think we have had sex once now this is kind of due to her being stressed and sad due to placement not being good and also moving house so we now share a wall with parents. Today I finally asked her if that’s all and she said mainly but also she said she just doesn’t think about sex as much and therefore want it as much. Anyways does anyone have any kind of idea on what I could do now to help re ignite what we had. We have a holiday in a couple weeks which I think could be a good chance for us and she can finally relax so looking for any interesting ideas on what she might want/like in order to try make sex life alive again.

Update:
Holiday been and gone- had sex twice but meh.
First time- first night I asked her to join me in shower and she did surprisingly we then chilled in bed for a short bit before she rolled over and we had quick sex in 1 position.
Then second time was late afternoon after pool day, lead on bed together tried a few times she finally got the hint, made me finish with handjob and said I’d fuck her after so I did and after a while as I was building to climax she pushed me off with no reason and no words at all.
I tried to initiate 3/4 other times as wouid have liked more sex but mostly felt she didn’t even want to snog let alone start sex. One time I even tried was on her hair a little with hands as I was on top and after leaning for a kiss got pushed off and shouted get off so gave up there and then.
Not sure much progress was made tbh

(21M and 20F)

Hey, I am a 25F I started sex 1-2 years back with my Bf. We initially were on same page our desires and drive matched but eventually I realised I don't enjoy initiating as much as I enjoy being a pillow princess. We also had breakups and fights also we moved to LDR due to some changes in life.

After our recent trip when I was with him for 3 weeks he noticed changes in my drive. Although for 1 week I was on period then when we did I got bruised due to less lub and long break of months so I waited 5 more days to actually start liking penetrative sex.

While I did gave him BJs after I came back home he said he think I don't find him attractive anymore, which I don't agree at all. What to do?

Edit: the solution he proposed is, since we are each other's first he want me to sleep with another man to explore what is the issue. I find it disguating.