r/SexTherapy101

Can someone explain to me if it is ‘normal’ for a boyfriend of 5 years to never want to do anything intimate and then get defensive when asked to? Advise welcomed, ta

Me and my gf been together for almost 3 years and our sex life has been bad first time we did it was like a year into our relationship and since then weve done it like 15\~ time and it bothers me alot i tried to say something like I need more sex in our relationship. Sex is an important part of my self esteem She would say she understood sometimes things would get better for a day other times she'd feed me an excuse and Id accept it. She turned me down like 300 times because shes just not in the mood . And i feel like shes never in the mood and when i ask her why dont u want to have sex with me why is it so rare she just says that shes not in the mood even when she is in the mood i need to be fast asf to get “ready” otherwise shes gonna lose her mood in like a minute or so i need advice on what to do and how do i talk with her about it so that it can change our bedroom life because its literally killing me not getting intimate with her for like 5months straight

I'm talking to this girl and her past had a bigger penis both girth and length bigger while I have an average size which is (5.1-5.5 inches in length and 4.5 - 4.7 inches in girth), She finished almost every time with her ex off penetration and didn't have any pain and this was for 3 years, I get it most women can't finish off penetration but I'm talking about this scenario, l know foreplay important as well which I do that. When I asked her if she felt a noticeable difference between me and her ex she said she did we didn't have proper sex yet like I mean not more than a minute. Is it even a good chance I can make her finish off my dick cause her own words she finished almost if not every time through penetration with her ex. Can I even make her finish off penetration? I don’t wanna hear toys or or that other stuff because we both don’t like toys and two I do a lot of foreplay I’m just so worried I can’t make her finish with my average size because maybe she used to bigger and that’s what better for her idk anymore it’s messing with me. Is it possible for me as well to make her finish almost every time as well when we have sex? And even if I do make her finish is the bigger one always going to feel better for her and give her a better orgasm?

i dont understand my current sex life. it’s so good and then i’m completely cut off at the last second. we get these wild nights sometimes and it’s great for both of us but, it’s unstable. majority of the time i’m honestly left disappointed.

foreplay feels good with kissing, grinding, or dirty talk but, in terms of starting to touch gentials it becomes one side. im mostly leading their hand or asking for oral sex. it feels so good the times they’ve done it and i really need to get off from that. i just wish they were able to give and receive at the same time while in different positions.

they’ve explained sex has always been hard for them in that area but, they would try for me, and i just needed to give them time to get better with it. the thing is though, they please me exactly the way i need with really no corrections needed.

i try to guide them into positions during penetration where they are dominant but, i always end up on top. it feels great but, like i said, i get thrown off at the last second. we’ve been able to climax together, and that’s amazing when it happens but, we seem to usually have our timing off.

with been on a rough streak. starting with a failed hotel moment because, they got overwhelmed when i asked for oral. we moved past it and got into different positions but, ultimately ended with me on top being thrown off because, they aren’t okay with ejaculating in me which would give me the chance climax.

i asked about their masturbation habit and they explained they sometimes do but, it’s usually while on video chat with me. he said he didn’t think it was broken, just worked a little bit too good. they also said they didnt see benefit in masturbation due to quick climax with me, and then went on to say that if they could be honest, that’s a part of the reason they don’t really like to.

they told me, word for word, “sex in general. i’ve never really been a fan of it, and that’s partially the reason.” the way i interpreted that made me “oh” but explained it was hard to make sense when they say they aren’t a fan of sex in general, or at least that was my interpretation of what they said. perhaps yes, wrong time, but i got flustered.

i went back to reword and asked “i am genuinely interested and curious about understanding you so, do you feel like you might be in like an area of asexuality?”.

*please correct me if im wrong about the exact labeling of sexuality i’m describing*

they said “i was trying to open up about something serious but, i dont want to talk about it anymore”.

my questions are:
1.) are we simply just sexually incompatible
2.) could it be sensory related?
3.) what things we could try?
4.) how do i initiate a follow up on this conversation to better understand him with his words instead of me trying to make sense with the little bit i have to overthink?
5.) thank you for reading this.. advice is appreciated

My confession is that I’d been struggling with monogamy for a long time. Been in a relationship for over ten years now and have a family. There are kinks and desires I have, but my wife has shut down any experimentation and shamed me for it. It’s ruined the confidence I once had, and I have very poor self belief nowadays. I work, do two hours of chores a day, try my hardest, but life is still just empty and every day is exactly the same, with sex maybe once every 1 or 2 weeks and always the same. I just felt unwanted and invisible.

I had started talking to people online, at first just sharing pictures in communities for validation, but then started getting offers to have sex in person. At the time, I didn’t want to and said no to them all, but it got harder to say no. A year ago, a woman surprised me by messaging she had travelled and was nearby, and we hadn’t planned it, but in a moment of moral clarity I said no, because at that point I really wanted to try and fix the relationship. She kept trying to tempt me, it was her kink, but I said no and lost contact with her. It really was a struggle, and it felt like it was pointless suffering.

I tried to quit porn, hoping it would help, but it made things much worse. I managed to make it several months without looking at porn, but I felt anxious constantly and not confident. It made things harder in my relationship, because she didn’t want to have sex any more often. I tried to bring up experimenting, but it resulted in a fight and me feeling more shamed and empty, so I gave up, and then I relapsed and went back to porn.

After coming back to porn, it felt empty. I kept trying to improve the relationship and try something new, but my partner wouldn’t budge and said she was fine with things the way they were. So I decided to enter the cheating world, to put myself out there and see what was out there. I was so excited to see what was out there, and then … nothing.

I posted pictures of myself, contacted maybe 50-100 women with messages I took some time to write personal messages to … I got maybe 5 messages back but then no further replies, and then only 2 women got to back and forth communication with … but those fizzled out as well. I wrote an ad on the online affairs reddit, I put some time and thought into it, and the only reply I got was a scammer. After weeks of putting myself out there, I feel even more unwanted and invisible than ever.

And also, I’m now nearly 40. My body and my face will start to fade soon. I’ve put so much work in to staying healthy and in shape, and even then I’m invisible. I wonder if there was any point to it.

I look through reddit and I see the same thing time and time again: women put out a personal ad or an image, then edit it to say their inbox has been flooded with hundreds of messages. And then I see countless other men like me, writing personal ads and posting images that get no attention, or what little attention they do get is drowned out by downvotes from other men or maybe women, it’s hard to tell which. I try to put more effort in than what I see, but I realise in the end I’m just like them all … all in all, I’m just another dick in the wall.

So my confession is I failed at my relationship, and I tried to break my vow and even failed at that too. I failed at being faithful and I failed at being unfaithful. I am denounced by the married community, and rejected by the adultery community. I am unwanted, invisible, and empty. I have no inherent value. Sex used to be the one thing that really made me happy and feel successful, and now I’m getting older and I feel like it’s gone. At this point, I don’t know what there is nothing left to do but go through the motions, repeating the same week after week until my time is over.

I’m 32 my wife is 28 and we barely have sex anymore when brought up she acts as if me asking was the last thing she wanted to hear and is annoyed with me asking . Mostly she’s stares at her phone looking at social media drama . I try to act happy but I don’t want to keep laughing or smiling when I work all day pay all the bills and can’t get sex when I ask for it . I don’t feel like I should have to ask either . She never initiated sex and it’s given just to get me off her back . We have sex maybe once every three weeks unless it that time of the month for her . We’ve talked about it several times with me being the one who brings it up and it usually ends in a fight because it’s not something she cares to talk about or do . I don’t know what to do I’m trying to be faithful but it’s getting hard . Paying all the bills while she lives rent free and isn’t putting out makes me want to say fuck it all and leave . I only stay for the kids and because we are married but it’s killing me

This used to not happen to me but now i get super cold, start shivering, teeth chatter as if i was in freezing weather. Does this happen to you?

I need advice on if I'm over reacting to this situation. My partner of 15 years decided to spark up an intimate moment when our 9 year old child was sleeping inside the bed with us. This is the first time this has ever happened and I shut it down immediately. Wwyd in this situation?

Hi. I'm happily married, I have a wonderful neurodiverse family and my wife and I are both AudHD (or at least have some kind of combination - both of us were undiagnosed until recently when we started learning about our own childrens' neurodiversity).

My wife has sensory processing issues as well as body image issues and both capital and lower case trauma in the past. We've been seeing a couples' therapist and have been talking about it over the past year (our youngest one just turned two).

Since my youngest was born up to the time of this writing, we haven't had sex.

The first year was mostly due to post-partum stuff, and the stresses of life and caring for multiple ND children. Come year two, I found out that my wife was a very low desire type of person and even thinking about having sex spins her into an anxious spiral.

I don't know what to do. I love her so much and decided that this is not a deal breaker, but it's something I do want to talk to her about - we've already talked about it with the therapist but almost every time it comes up, the conversation seems to get steered to other imporant couples' matters.

There are times when I hate the circumstances that we're in. We're both living like roomates who love and care for each other. I asked her if she was even attracted to me, and that was a big conversation - her answer was yes, but getting physical was something that she didn't need as much as I did. There is nothing more that I would like but for her to realize that I want her despite the anxiety, trauma I would still accept her and not leave.

That being said, I miss having sex with her. Like most men, I feel the emotional closeness that comes with the physical act and I wish she could also enjoy it.

Are there any other women who have gone through something like this or similar - especially if you have a sensory processing disorder and anxiety about sex?

My account is new becasuse I've been living in a rock and I was never much into social media (I'm 40).

I’m a (25) F and I’ve been seeing this guy regularly and we want to have sex but I’ve been body shamed before and I’m scared I might get body shamed again I’m insecure about my body but he likes everything about me and doesn’t mind I’m curvier how can I get over this fear

(F/60) So I’m supposed to meet up with an old sweetheart when I go “home” to visit in September and who would I be kidding if I acted like nothing going to happen?? So, on that note, has anyone else ever had the need for a “dental dam” and if so does it take the “joy” out of the excitement of that “area”. I also read (he has full goatee) if he washes before and I pee/wash after & use water based lube that could prevent a UTI as well. Needless to say I want to enjoy this bc , it has been a while for
me. Any thoughts or tried & true advice. (And yes I am careful in other regards - we are both getting clean bills of health just to put any worry away) but still curious about the other bc I get uti’s fairly easily and don’t want to spend rest of trip, out of state, at urgent care…. Thanks!! 😊

I’ve been tormented by the following issues lately in my relationship (12 years together, married 4 yrs with 1 baby):

1. Feeling resentful for not having enough sex. We do it like once a month, twice if I’m lucky, and I’d prefer twice a week.
2. Feeling entitled to twice a week sex because of being mildly attractive.

I understand that I am not entitled to any sex from anyone. I also understand that putting any pressure on someone to have sex is a bad idea. I’d like it to be very enjoyable for everyone.

In monogamy flawed like this in that if my partner is not interested in having it as much as me, I am just doomed to be a married incel?

I value sex highly, maybe too highly. Am I an addict? I haven’t cheated, but I think about it. I know it’s wrong and don’t need a lecture.

As far as I see it, I have three options:

1. Should I value sex less and become monk-like?
2. Should I try to get my wife in the mood more often?
3. Should I tell my wife I want an open relationship (this almost seems like coercion though because I already know she would not want this and would likely want a divorce instead)

I’ve been trying option 2, but it almost seems impossible because she is just not interested in making time for it. It’s her last priority. I don’t want to complain about it too much because it sounds like coercion and makes us more distant.

Anyone relate? What should I do?

I’m 20 years old, my problem is I finish way too fast not even more than a minute, Il give it 20 seconds at most when it’s usually 5 seconds as soon as I put it in. It’s really messed me up because I can’t even enjoy it and it’s either that, or I can’t get fully hard to penetrate idk what to do tbh. I’m active daily by playing sports I’m in good shape I don’t drink or smoke, I hit the gym, I even took a testosterone test and I was higher than average. I tried kegals and reverse, even stretching my pelvic didn’t help. I also tried numbing and numb long lasting condoms they make me soft instantly. Even did the typical masturbating before sex a hour or 2 before it just makes me either lose my erection or still finish fast. I feel like I’m stuck with it permanently and I don’t wanna take medications because that’s a temporary fix, once I stop the pe will come back and I heard SSRI make your sex drive low and not desire for sex which I do not want that at all. My mental health has been messed up because of this if somehow anyone can help me please help.

For most of our relationship, I have been unable to fully satisfy my wife because she says she needs fast vigorous pounding in missionary that always makes me orgasm quickly. She said she needs me to pound her like I do right before I cum, but for 5-10 minutes straight. I always make her clitoral orgasm first, and she appreciates that, but she is not fully satisfied.

I’ve tried many things to improve my stamina and still am improving, although progress seems to often be followed by regression and often we go long enough without any sex that I forget what I learned. Often it just depends on how relaxed I am and when I last masturbated. It’s been years of failure in my opinion and the source of a lot of my misery.

Sometimes I can last almost as long as I want when I am in control of the pace, but I obviously can’t go full throttle for more than a minute. Biologically, I feel like this is normal.

She is not interested in dildos, or any other form of sex for that matter. To me it seems kinda boring and close minded, but I guess everyone is different. It seems like a lost cause to convince her there’s other roads to pleasure because she is dead set on experiencing this.

We are monogamous and not interested in opening up any time soon. What should I do?

I have this issue where I can easily jerk off and orgasm. I know exactly how to please myself. And for years I was afraid that porn may have been the issue. I have had many relationships and of all the times I have had sex I’ve only been able to orgasm twice. Both while the other person was on top and it took a long while(I do have very bad knees) But my current partner has never made me orgasm. It’s not that I don’t want to. I get close so often, I feel it building. And I want to so badly. But I just never do. I don’t know if it’s she gets tired before I can full climax or she orgasms and just doesn’t want to do anything more for me.
I have gotten to the point of faking it and being good at faking it. I don’t want to ruin anything between us by making her feel bad by me not orgasming.
But I hate it. I hate faking it. I hate not being able to climax. I am SO very attracted to her. But I also feel like things could be a little spicier between us. I feel like she’s maybe more respectable than I am as far as sex is concerned. Like I want to send naughty texts during the day and tell her what I want to do to her and her return in kind and I just don’t know if that’s her. And I feel like that foreplay is part of it for me. The build up and anticipation.
I just don’t know what to do. Please, help me.

So I’m supposed to meet up with an old sweetheart when I go “home” to visit in September and who would I be kidding if I acted like nothing going to happen?? So, on that note, has anyone else ever had the need for a “dental dam” and if so does it take the “joy” out of the excitement of that “area”. I also read (he has full goatee) if he washes before and I pee/wash after & use water based lube that could prevent a UTI as well. Needless to say I want to enjoy this bc , it has been a while for
me. Any thoughts or tried & true advice. (And yes I am careful in other regards - we are both getting clean bills of health just to put any worry away) but still curious about the other bc I get uti’s fairly easily and don’t want to spend rest of trip, out of state, at urgent care…. Thanks!! 😊

Hey so I'm a 20 years old girl, I've been struggling with getting horny sometimes, alot of times honestly and my family and I are chrisrians and we're so religious so I can't have sex out of marriage (that is not something forced I know this is the right thing for me and I would never do anything out of marriage). Anyways the feeling is killing me I can't help but masturbate sometimes and It does feel good but it's just that I always want more than just masturbation like I REALLY to feel good.

I just need to know if there is someone who had the same problem as me and can help me? How to deal with this?

(I'm sorry if this is too much idk what else i could say but that's it.)

So I’ve been with my fiancé for a little while now, I’ve always been cheated on in every relationship I’ve been in regardless if it was physical or digital. I got with this really abusive guy when I was 16ish and was with him for four years and it ended badly, but I don’t wanna get too far into that anyways we had a baby and I finally got out when she was abt a year old. then I met this guy and we weren’t really meant to be anything but we just clicked and have been together ever since. he has always treated my daughter like his own and is genuinely a wonderful father and I got pregnant very early on into our relationship which he wanted. he’s 5-6 years older than me and he was really ready to settle down and he really wanted a baby. I view porn as cheating. Never put your mind where you don’t want your feet and heart to follow. Anyways as soon as I got pregnant he started watching porn when he got his new job he blamed it on being stressed out. He knew this was a huge boundary for me and just thought ”what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me” and he genuinely thought it wasn’t that big of a deal. It happened a lot it would be once every couple of days and sometimes id go through his phone and catch him. He said I had made a comment that ever since he got that new job his sex drive was low, which didn’t bother me it was purely an observation. so his solution to that was to go on Snapchat and watch all of the models that I look nothing alike because I have already had one child and personally I just don’t think I’m that pretty. They have some pretty unrealistic standards in my opinion. and watch them all day while he was at work and then come home and have sex with me so he would be more horny. That really hurt my feelings to know that he was watching other girls just to come home and use my body, especially because I was already pregnant, and every guy starts to cheat when you’re pregnant. we talked about it and he said he would stop and it wouldn’t happen again and I genuinely believed him because he seemed so genuine about it. then I catch him doing it again every once in a while probably about once a month he would do it for a couple of days and I would catch him because stuff would start showing up all over his phone just perverted videos either on YouTube YouTube reels Facebook reels Facebook memes Snapchat just those weird perverted memes and every time it’s that he stressed out or I’m not giving him enough sex and he just got desperate. He has photos of me which he does not use because he says he wants to see something new or he has that when he gets home, so what would really be the point of looking at that, and he recorded a video of us having sex to try to help with that and didn’t he just kept doing it and has almost our entire relationship every once in a while it’s not an all time thing but for a little while there became extremely frequent and he said he viewed it as cheating and didn’t and would not do it and then it slowly became He doesn’t view it as cheating and sees and it’s not that big of a deal fast-forward to me now our daughter I caught him doing it two weeks postpartum to a bathing suit ad and he thought that since it was a bathing suit ad that just popped up on his Facebook that it wasn’t that big of a deal because he didn’t seek it out and it wasn’t necessarily porn, and he jacked off to that and I caught him doing it and we talked about it and he informed me that he doesn’t look at my pictures because he simply just wants to see a body that isn’t mine. even though he is attracted to me and we have sex whenever he wants it but whenever I come onto him, it’s just always a problem his stomach hurts. There’s always a problem. It’s like when I try to initiate. He just goes flaccid. He comes onto me all the time and I have to drop everything that I’m doing in order to give him sex. if I don’t he will jack off to some other girl and then I find out about it. so a lot of the time I give him sex when I don’t even want to or feel comfortable or mentally OK to give it just because I know that if I don’t, it’s gonna come back and bite me later. I don’t feel pretty with him at all. in the past when we first had gotten together, He had made comments about my body and my weight when he is heavier than me by over 70 pounds which his family does and it’s very normalized in his family to to make rude comments about other peoples bodies and eventually he’s figured out that that’s not normal and it’s actually really rude and he didn’t really mean anything by it but regardless, I have never forgotten about it and I don’t really take my shirt off a whole lot in front of him or get undressed in front of him because of it and I don’t like showering together because of it and I just don’t like being vulnerable with him like that because of it and I’ve also seen what’s in his watch history and what he’s jacked off to in the past while we’ve been together and there are these girls that I looked nothing alike. He said he purposely jacked off the girls that don’t look anything like me because every time he jacks off to girl that resembles me he starts to think about me having sex with another dude and it doesn’t work for him. and every time I catch him he’s very honest and open. answers every question that I have and try to work through it with me and promises He won’t do it again and for a while he doesn’t, but then he always does eventually. and it hurts so bad. It breaks my heart and I always say I’m going to leave him if he does it again or if he doesn’t stop and either he doesn’t believe me or he doesn’t care he and doesn’t think that I’m gonna find out, and it has gotten less frequent and less big, but it’s still happening , and I don’t know if I can be with somebody who constantly just wants to look at other women. even if he stops doing what he’s doing why is the constant want to see other women naked there if he loves me? and he said while he likes to work on his truck, he also likes to look underneath other cars hoods as well. and I know that it’s normal to notice attraction but not go any farther while you’re on a relationship. and I’m just wondering if it’s normal for the father of your children to want to look at other bodies that are specifically not you. he has made me feel so ugly i’ve never felt this ugly in my life and I don’t feel pretty and a genuinely weighs all my mental health on a daily basis and I love him so much and we never fight and he is the sweetest guy. The only times we have had issue's is when this happens and we’ve been together pretty long time , but at this point, I’m at a loss and I don’t know what to do. I’ve given him everything a woman can and I do everything I can for him, but it still never seems to be enough and he said that he knows I’m going to leave him because he’s already messed everything up but he won’t stop every time. I think that he stopped or he’s changed it blows up in my face and it’s like once a month that this happens it is genuinely so suffocating. I can’t breathe anymore and I don’t wanna get out of bed. It’s not just porn to me. It Constantly impacts our sex life because when he goes and does that he doesn’t have sex with me. when it got really bad and he was doing constant. He was starting to not find me attractive anymore. He didn’t say that I could just tell he never closes his eyes during sex and he started to. I do not think that he thinks I’m pretty at all. I think that he’s with me because he loves me and I am an easy enough person to get along with and I am the safe route for him to go. I think he’s with me because he knows that not a whole lot of other women would put up with what he does and he doesn’t wanna be alone, but sometimes I think he is just waiting for me to leave because he doesn’t wanna be the one to do it because he would feel too guilty. I really don’t know, but I honestly don’t know if our relationship can be saved at this point just because I can’t trust him and I have never really felt safe relationship wise with him. and I don’t really think I’m going to because of the type of person he is. he’s just a really lustful man and it’s constant I think he might have an addiction to porn or be recovering from one and he won’t admit it. not to mention we were swimming with friends and he was looking at his coworkers girlfriend’s ass while I was pregnant and sitting right there with him in front of me twice. when talking to him about it. He said it was just there and he was just taking a peek because she was standing right in front of him. He knows how bad it hurts me and honestly doesn’t really seem to care that much because it doesn’t seem to affect him. I have never had a guy treat me as well as he does. This is genuinely our only problem. I don’t know why he does this. he keep saying just give him time and he’s doing better and he is, but it just doesn’t stop fully. and I still don’t know if I can move past what he said the other night about him, wanting to look at bodies that specifically aren’t mine, sometimes I wanna cheat on him so he knows how it feels. He doesn’t consider porn cheating so that wouldn’t be enough. It would have to be physical and it’s not like I want to cheat like I want to be with someone else I purely Just want to be even. i don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can be with somebody who I have to beg to keep their eyes on me and he has admitted that he has a wandering eye, but he would never do anything physical. I don’t know if this is normal. I don’t know if I am the problem here and I have unreal standards. I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations. I don’t know if every man does this. I don’t have an urge to look at other people. Don’t really find other people attractive. I get scared when he gets stressed out that he’s going to do that. I get scared when I can’t give him sex, especially being postpartum and being unable to, I get scared to say I don’t want to bcs ik he Will go somewhere else if I don’t. I was giving him head every single day and it didn’t matter he still went and jacked off to a bathing suit ad, which is honestly more disrespectful and hurtful because he was so desperate to he chose a bathing suit ad and my dumb self thought that he was looking at bathing suits for me but deep down I knew better. it breaks my heart and I genuinely cannot deal with this. I know that I cannot continue to stay in a relationship where this is happening. i know as soon as I’m done breast-feeding my daughter and able to go back to work again I’m going to take off and leave if this does not stop. and I have told him this and he doesn’t seem to care he cares about my feelings or much empathy for how I feel. I’ll never forget the things that I saw on his phone. they’re back in my head during sex to the point I vividly see it in my head and it really puts up weight on our relationship. I don’t know what to do. sex has to be on his terms and when he wants it and I’m genuinely so sick of it to the point it angers me somehow I am always the problem in our sex life even when I do everything to fix it I try coming onto him. I try bringing new things into the bedroom nothing works.

#lustfulman #heartbreak #isitcheating #help

As a female, who had 2 relationships , but no kissing and all, now i don't even have a sexual desire for anyone, is it normal?