u/NomadicWitchhunt

Double black tea and cinamon sugar bread.

Every day i wake up, regretfully, and immediately realise whose skin i am inside of. I feel so distant from my own body. It feels like im playing a 1st person game with slightly off camera settings. My self from a week ago appears as a different person to me, as i share only so few memories with "them". No matter how many or little hours i sleep i never feel rested and require caffeine to even keep my eyelids up for more than 3 hours. I would drink coffee if not for my physical ailments that hinder me to do so; i have severe digestive issues which any medical professional ive ever spoken to seems to glance over or completely ignore while i can barely eat anything without suffering from stomach issues that heavily affect my life. That only is one of many afflictions i live with but possibly the most glaring one. I know that i dont suffer the most out of all but why do i need to suffer more than most to receive help? I am currently not even insured because i am unemployed but even going out for 15 minutes to the aldi 2 blocks away puts me in a daze. I shut down when going outside and act out of instinct. I turn music on and my thoughts off, when outside i am on autopilot and scared. I lost my last job because of my medical issues after which i was unable to leave my house for 3.5 months. The pay was good but it shattered my mental completely and now this depression demon is catching up to me once more. I am so out of it and just in a constant tedium. I subconsciously hope something changes but it never does and even positive change is scary. I am so scared of anything and i dont know how to step forth. I can just hope that something changes if i wait just a little bit longer. I cannot bear to be with myself and no one else. I cannot even imagine being near an actual person that isnt my viper of a mother. Thinking about myself being near someone makes me so scared despite the primal longing of feeling someone's warmth and i cannot even picture it. The imagination of such feels like an abstract painting, drawn by a mind, far before our time. I want to be around my best friends i only know from the internet but not in this body. When i touch my own arm it does not feel as if i am touching my own arm or if my arm is being touched by myself. The last time i felt it this severely was years ago. I dont think ive gotten better since then. Every move is so hard and scary. Im just scared of everything and i cannot even express this vulnerability to my closest because they need someone strong in their lives and what could they even do to make me feel better? Feel sorry for me? I just need time and maybe one day i will be read to actively pursue change. All i need is time because im too scared to move.

Thank you for reading i just needed to verbalise some of my burdens a bit and dont really expect anything. The bread, i just made by buttering it and putting far too much cinnamon on it and then a hefty amount of brown sugar. It tastes like cold french toast with added complexity from the dark bread. The tea is just the cheapest and strongest black tea i can find with nothing. I do have proper leaves at home but im more familiar with this brand so its more comfortable to drink when im feeling this crappy.

I hope youve got a lovely whatever time of day it is for you.

✨Every little star has a reason to shine!✨