2 to 3 was rough, need insight
This is going to be really long - if you don't want to read a novel but want to help - TLDR; I have three boys 4, 2, and 2 months, am struggling a lot, and wondering when this will improve.
Now the novel:
I was one of two kids - me and my brother. My family was very tight and we did everything together and vacations and such. My brother is 18 months younger than me. We were close growing up, less so now, but I had a very happy childhood.
My husband was one of four boys. They are very tight now and they're all pretty great and have all done well. My husband wants at least 4 kids and I didn't see why we shouldn't.
I am a rather a "fussy"/OCD-ish/anxiety type personality and I am a newly graduated from residency pediatrician. My husband is more easygoing.
We've been lucky to have fairly uncomplicated pregnancies and babies. We had one my 4th year of medical school and sometime around when he was 1, I stopped birth control as we were open to more. Had a miscarriage and then ended up pregnant with a baby with the same due date (2 years apart) as his older brother. There was a lot of scariness when he was born and in his babyhood because he had a large port wine stain and was diagnosed with Sturge Weber Syndrome which can cause seizures, glaucoma, and delays. But lo and behold, our sweetie has been developing normally and finger crossed - no issues. So when I decided I was going into primary care pediatrics, I kind of fixated on this idea of having a 3rd kid between residency and my first attending job. The transition from 1 to 2 was really not that bad (mostly "i take the baby, you take the toddler" with my husband - SIMPLE!).
A week or two after I had my IUD removed, we had a rather dramatic meeting at school about my 4 year old and how poorly he listens and how stubborn and defiant he can be. Mind you, he is very smart indeed but they were on the verge of kicking him out. I had a message typed out to my OB about having the IUD replaced because I felt like we should just focus on our two boys for a bit. But my husband was asleep and I thought I shouldn't send that without a discussion with him. It didn't matter - I was likely already a few days along with our 3rd boy. Things got better at school but my oldest is still a handful.
As pregnancy came to an end, it hit me how well things were going with our 2 boys - their routines, their relationship. I felt like our family was maybe complete. Like the baby would throw things off. It was obviously too late.
Now he's 2 months old and I feel like I'm going insane. Granted we have also just moved a few weeks ago and I'll be starting my new job in 1.5 months. A lot is changing and happening. But beyond the unpacking, credentialing, studying, I am feeling this massive feeling that this is too much (3 little boy). That I was NOT cut out to be a mom of >2 kids. I cannot "go with the flow". I am not a "the house can wait" person. I am not a "lower your standards" kind of person. I don't like receiving help from others.
Trying to manage the 4 year old, 2 year old, and nursing and caring for a 2 month old is insane. Every day feels like a marathon. All I seem to do is argue with my husband about who is caring for who when and why I don't want him to make plans that can't include children. He seems miffed I can't just peacefully handle all 3. When do this get better??? Does it? How can I change to make this get better?