u/Not_failing_again

I’m 46 days sober today from 7OH, 31 days from weed, and 2.7 years from alcohol, and I gotta say, sobriety is tough for me man. It’s like fighting an endless war with no reward but clarity, a clarity that’s indistinguishable from boredom, a boredom that’s indistinguishable from the peace it creates.

Despite peace being both the reward and the motivation, I recognize it as something extremely brittle. The peace is only as strong as I am during my worst days, and I fear that means it’s not strong at all.

Hah! It’s almost funny. My peace, my stability, my pride…all held up by the ultimate house of cards

It’s been roughly 31 days, and just now am I feeling cravings that feel like too much to bear. My mind swears I’m torturing myself for no reason. It begs for release. It says this time things can be different, that 1 pill is enough, that I can control myself.

I know it to be a lie, but it doesn’t make me want to believe it any less. I keep asking myself “well? What would you do if you did take it? Just sit around and be high?” At that point I may as well remain sober. The cravings don’t go away though, they just remain. God how I wish I could just take 1, but it would start the cycle again. If I took just 1 it would just be a matter of time until the next one. I want to believe I’m wrong, I don’t know if I’m strong enough today. Who would notice? Who would care? I can just lie, can’t I? No. No I can’t.