u/Notaproperpersonyet

I'm struggling a bit and would really value the perspective of anyone who might have experienced something similar. I've been very close to a man for quite a long time. We have loved each other deeply, and our relationship has become increasingly intertwined with his journey into Orthodoxy.

Over the past year he has become much more involved in the Orthodox Church and is soon to be catechised. He has found a community there, met people he really connects with, started receiving guidance from a spiritual father, and become increasingly serious about prayer and discernment.

I've watched all of this happening, and I've also become genuinely interested in Orthodoxy myself. I don't know whether I would ultimately become Orthodox, but something about it has really opened something up in me and I feel things stirring. And I think this is part of why the heartbreak is so complicated.

He has recently told me that, after a lot of prayer, he wants to pursue monasticism. He still tells me that he loves me and that I'm his best friend, and that hasn't changed. But he feels that he can't kiss me or continue having a romantic relationship with me if he is seriously discerning monastic life. He has said that he will respect whatever I decide about whether I can remain friends. I think I can handle remaining friends to some degree but I don't think it will be easy...and now that I've actually said that, the heartbreak seems to be hitting me much more than I expected. I think part of me was still holding onto the possibility that somehow we'd find our way through all of this. Even though I knew monasticism was becoming a serious possibility for him, hearing him actually say that he can't kiss me anymore has made the loss feel much more real.

And the strange thing is that I don't feel angry with him. I understand why he feels he needs to take this seriously. I don't want to stand between him and something he genuinely believes God may be calling him towards. I also don't want to make his discernment about me, although part of me is kinda hoping he will turn around and say he made a mistake?

At the moment I think I need to stop initiating so much and allow him to come towards me. Not as a test, but because I've spent a lot of energy trying to understand and accommodate everything that has been happening, and I think I need to step back and see what remains when I'm not holding everything together.

There is another layer to all of this which I find difficult to explain. I think I am genuinely drawn towards Orthodoxy - but I don't know how much of that is Orthodoxy itself and how much is what I've witnessed it give him. Because through it he has found community. He has found people who are interested in the things he is interested in. He has found a spiritual father who can guide him. He has found a tradition and a framework within which to understand his spiritual life. And I have realised how desperately I want those things too, even to the point where I feel envious of him in this regard. I've been on a spiritual journey myself, but I've felt incredibly alone and unmoored in it. I don't really have anyone who I can go to and say, “I don't have a clue what I'm doing spiritually, but something is stirring and I desperately need guidance. Can you help me?”

In that sense, he has been a kind of conduit. Through loving him, I was introduced to something that I might otherwise never have encountered. And now I'm faced with this strange situation where I don't know how to proceed or where to look. I have spoken to his Bishop and spiritual father once, and he invited me to return, although he is difficult to pin down as he is very busy and I don't know where else to look...

I think what I'm really looking for here is wisdom from women who understand both sides of this:

How do you cope with loving someone who may be choosing a monastic vocation? And if you first encountered Orthodoxy through someone you loved, how did you work out whether the faith itself was calling you - rather than simply the sense of community, belonging and spiritual rootedness that you saw them find? I'm not so much looking for someone to tell me what I should do. I think I mostly need to hear from people who have lived through some version of this and can help me understand how to carry/process it...