Insomnia is a slow cruel death
If I have a headache, I'm going to have a stroke. If my heart is beating fast, I'm going you have a heart attack. If I have a sinus headache I'm going to get an infection to my heart. If something tickles me, it's a bug. Keep itching long after it tickles. If I sleep on my belly, I'll suffocate. If I don't fall asleep I'll make myself sick. If I do fall asleep I'll have nightmares. Worse, I'll have night terrors. If I die, my husband will be sad. If I don't die I'll just have another miserable night ahead of me. This is my every day. My every night.
I'm never completely well, or happy, or nice because I'm always not sleeping. well. Yeah I'm a raving bitch when I'm awake sometimes and unhappy. How can't I be? It's been this way for 50 years or so. (I'm sure none of this contributed to me getting 125 pounds overweight.)
But I'm doing happy things. I lost weight and genuinely enjoy exercise. I try to make calmness in my life. I love blowing bubbles. I love feeding birds. I love calm, melodic music. I love kittens and fostered kittens over and over again and they are pure happiness in the moment. Over my lifetime I've moved from beach, to lake, to pools, then back to beaches. Water calms me.
But the nighttime comes and it's hell again. The dread starts as soon as the nighttime routine starts. Sometimes I hate my husband for sleeping when I'm stuck awake. But him, awake to help me somehow, isn't going to help either of us.
During night terrors the only thing I can do is emphasize my breathing so he'll know to wake me - but not scare me because I'm already scared. Sometimes I stop doing that because I fear hyperventilating. I do 3 short, 3 long just like a continuous S.O.S. It's very intentional and I'm very well aware I'm doing it.
The first time it happened I was young. Many times it happened I'd try to just move a finger like I could pull myself off the bed to wake up. I couldn't. If lay there desperately trying just to move a finger. I slept at the edge of the bed with an arm and a leg dangling for years.
I got to where i can't interlock my fingers ever if I'm sleepy, and never sleep with my hands behind my head - guaranteed nightmare. Wow, reread for grammar and reading it made me sick.
My roommate at age 21 was talking at the door and I heard him and kept trying to move or wake up, I tried to yell "I'm awake" so many times.
I don't know how to end this post. Now my jaw and neck hurt. What will keep me up besides posting this? Everything else.