Idk what to do anymore or AITK
My girlfriend 24/F and i 26/F have been together for a year and a couple months and we work together as well. Around month 3 i found her flirting with a coworker who is 33F with 2 children but i decided to stay. I created strict boundaries about her limiting contact with her and to keep it work related only. It was a struggle for a couple months bc the trust is broken. She didn’t have a problem with me going through her phone from time to time to ease my thoughts and fears and she was very open and didn’t care and told me to ask her any questions i was unsure about. She really did try and reassured me everyday. It was hard to let it go and we had a few more arguments involving that bc how can you claim to only want me if your attention turned so quick. 5 months later i felt that maybe we were in a better place in our trust because she was nonstop showing that her mistake wouldn’t ever happen again.
A little after my birthday, we have been together now for 10 months; i started to slowly fall into depression. My confidence was dwindling and i started being in my head more and overthinking about everything. Me and my mom stopped talking for a while which affected me and just made it worse. I struggle a bit mentally and it didn’t help that coming from a Hispanic home our culture struggles to admit that mental health is real so i would constantly question “are my feelings real? Am i just being dramatic? Etc..” and unfortunately it was taking a toll on our relationship because i wasn’t speaking up. I tried to act as normal as i can to try and pull myself out of it so i can be better for her but it just made her feel like i didn’t want to be in the relationship. My affection dwindled and i didn’t want to have sex as often. I wasn’t fully present and she doesn’t deserve that and how can i blame her when i didn’t communicate. It was like this for a couple months and i guess i realized it too late. She wanted to go on a break bc she feels like we’re more like roommates than partners and that felt like a bucket of ice water pouring on my face. She essentially wanted to be friends with benefits which threw me off bc why are you not wanting to hold the label of our relationship??? I was wondering if there was someone else and she told me multiple times there isn’t. I told her to give us one more chance. Give me at least a month to show her I’m serious about us and i opened up to her about my depression. She wanted time to think and came back and told me let’s give it a month. If the spark doesn’t come back we tried our best and that’s that. Her bringing up wanting to drop the relationship to be friends with benefits raised a bit of alarms in my head so the next morning while she was showering for work i decided to go through her phone and found her talking to her ex and her ex sending her provocative pictures and it felt like my heart was gutted. She got mad that i went through her phone which was also crazy because she’s not once had a problem with it and now all of a sudden it’s an issue???
Mind you her ex from what she told me was absolutely horrible. She didn’t care for my girlfriend’s sobriety and continued to take drugs infront of her. Never celebrated her sobriety. Has put hands on her and treated her like trash. She also worked with us so i met her and have almost gotten into fights with this person bc i was defending my girlfriend even before we were officially together. How can you allow that type of person back into your life ??? Why is it that when we’re in a rough patch you go look for attention elsewhere bc at this point you’ve cheated twice now after the first time you told me you don’t ever want to make me feel like that again. I do not blame her for feeling neglected that is 100% on me and will regret it for the rest of my life but i will not compete with another woman especially not an ex. She says that she wants to meet up with her to see if there’s anything there and it’s like what??? After a year+ of being with me you’re still unsure about your feelings for your ex??? AITAH for not understanding or even wanting that interaction to ever happen between them?? If she feels like there’s still something is she just going to come home and tell me “yeah i want to see where it goes with her I’m sorry” and I feel even more stupid for wanting to still stay. I’m scared that she won’t create a solid boundary with her ex if they decide to talk in person. What if they kiss or do more?? Her ex clearly sees that there’s still a crack in the door for her to wiggle back in.
I take full responsibility for my part in why our relationship is what it is now. I should’ve been an adult and spoke up about my depression and my struggle. It was never my intent to make her feel unwanted or that she’s just there. She got us permanent bracelets 2 months ago telling me we will work out our problems no matter what. Yet i feel like it was all a lie. I am not innocent in this at all i just didn’t expect it to be another cheating incident with her. How can i trust her again after this??? AITK????