Boyfriend asked me about seeking out friendships again and it’s been very hard.
I’m an INFJ (29F, 6w5), and recently I had a conversation with my boyfriend (ENFP 8w7, if that matters) about rebuilding friendships and opening myself up to people again.
For context, before we started dating, I left a long-established college friend group I had been part of for years. On the surface, it looked like a close-knit girl group, but underneath it felt shallow. The breaking point came when I finally opened up in a really raw way about my struggles in my PhD program. Instead of support, they told me I needed professional help and that they couldn’t really “be there” for me emotionally.
What hurt most was that we had been friends for over five years. We had gone through cheating scandals, weddings, trips, breakups — everything. I had been emotionally available for them countless times, but the moment I stopped being the easygoing version of myself and showed vulnerability, it became clear they didn’t actually want the real me. Leaving that group was painful, but it also gave me clarity.
At the same time, I had started developing another friend group that initially felt healthier. We were closer emotionally and had also been friends for years, but there was still toxicity in the dynamic. One person struggled with control issues, and another had difficulty standing up for themselves. Honestly, our dynamic kind of reminded me of the friend group from “As Told by Ginger,” and I often felt like Ginger.
When I started dating my boyfriend — who is very different from my previous friends — they judged him heavily on a superficial level before really getting to know him. That didn’t sit right with me. Despite my boyfriend doing nothing wrong and even trying to apologize and smooth things over, it became obvious that one of my friends was testing whether I would choose them over him. It felt immature and honestly very high school.
In the end, I “chose” him, though really I chose what felt healthier and more respectful. While they eventually tried to apologize to both of us, more drama surfaced over time and I gradually distanced myself. I still keep in touch with one friend because we were able to work through things in a healthier way, but outside of that, I really only have her and a few childhood friends.
I even tried reconnecting with my older friend group recently by attending a party with them, but everything still felt superficial. My boyfriend met them too, and even he walked away feeling like the connections lacked depth and authenticity.
My boyfriend really wants me to have people in my life, and I understand why. I’m estranged from much of my family due to abuse and racism — I’m Black, and they disapprove of the fact that my boyfriend is white. Because of that, friendships became my version of family for a long time, which is probably why I tolerated unhealthy dynamics for so long.
I’ve tried explaining to him that I deeply value authentic, emotionally safe relationships, and those are hard to find. At this point, I’d rather be alone than force shallow or unhealthy connections just to say I have friends. Still, he worries that if something ever happened to him, I wouldn’t really have a support system.
I know he’s not entirely wrong. I do want meaningful friendships again, and I know I need to stay open to them. But it feels like every time I’ve opened myself up fully, I’ve ended up attracting emotionally immature or unhealthy dynamics. So now I’m trying to take things slower and be more intentional about who I let close to me.
I guess my question is: am I making excuses because I’ve been hurt, or am I finally being wiser about the kinds of people I allow into my life?
For the record, my boyfriend definitely isn’t pressing me on this or even thinks I’m making up an excuse. He just opened the conversation and I kinda spiraled so now I’m seeking advice.
Any advice or thoughts?