I took them back and it exploded my life.
I (33m) took my ex back (32f) after 3 years no contact.
6 years ago my ex left me suddenly after asking me to move my life to the other side of the world, I did not want to move but she was pushy and asked me to marry her, something I’d always wanted but I guess it was just honey to get me to move.
After we got to Iceland, I immediately noticed something was odd, her parents were cold to me (they lived in Iceland and her mother was offering her a job hence the move) and they did not want to allow me to do anything to set down roots, getting a personal security number, phone number even just buying a desk for myself I was either gaslit that it wasn’t possible or they made it as difficult for me as possible.
After a few months my wife’s whole attitude changed, she was cold, pushed me away and when she fell pregnant things really spiralled. She immediately ended everything with me and had the foetus aborted. I guess it was her wake up call.
I never got a conversation, I just woke up and her dad was standing over my bed with another man I’d never met and he said “your wife doesn’t love you anymore, you have to get out”. I was given an hour to pack, some of my things were stolen because he wouldn’t let me take them and I was homeless that day.
After some months of us talking, meeting in secret and her blaming almost all of this on her parents manipulating her, I found out she had a crush on a guy from her work. So I went no contact.
My life improved, I stayed in Iceland but I made many many friends, I worked interesting jobs and while it was hard I felt at peace. My love for her never left, but my heart grew larger and I could have chosen to move on.
3 years later she calls me, new number I guess crying about how the man she chose over me was abusing her, cheating on her. She said she had crashed her car into a pole drunk she was so distraught. I started crying and she started questioning why tf I wasn’t laughing in her face. I told her why tf would I laugh in her face, I left for her happiness and I want her to be happy not hurt.
After that day we decided to be friends, and she started slowely trying to leave the abusive relationship she found herself in. That took another 2 and a half years. I supported her unconditionally, I tried to understand and even survived an experience where her crazy boyfriend jumped into my car and tried to stab me to death. I managed to grab the knife and his wrist. At first I was proud I defended myself. Then the police told me he would only go to prison for 1 year because he didn’t actually manage to stab me. I felt robbed of justice and filled with trauma. 8 months later I still get anxious getting into or out of my car and I lock it the moment I get in.
Now the back story is filled in I can tell you what happened.
In January she showed up at my apartment, she begged for me to give her another chance, she left him immediately and bombed me with promises I’d of paid anything to hear years ago. She promised never again to take me for granted, that she appreciated how calm I always was and the sacrifices I’d made to be the only one she could talk to about what she went through. She swore up and down that she would be happy with me even if I did not want to be romantic with her. For some stupid stupid reason my heart gave in.
I tried to set boundaries at first, that we would each do individual counselling as well as couples, that we would heal and work on ourselves safely without seeing other people for 12 months before we decided on any romance inside the relationship. 12 months felt necessary believe me we were messed up after that guy. He did things I don’t mention here because I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to talk about it.
3 months in she started getting secretive with her phone, honestly I thought it was her ex. Then I saw the notification, someone named tomasz was love bombing her. I asked her about it and she made it out like he’s just a co-worker and he can get inappropriate sometimes but if you have deducted anything about me you already know I was stupid enough to believe it.
“Just tell him you’re seeing someone, and he will likely back off” was my response. And she did. His response was “oh I’ve only been happy since I met you I’m going to quit my job and move to Poland then, this is too much this is very horrible of you”.
Idk why but she basically ret-conned it, she told him we weren’t serious and that I was just really nice to her.
Shortly after she was at a staff party and I went to pick her up, I was early but intended to go see some nearby friends before heading over to her and as I drive past I see them holding hands sitting on a park bench while she’s in his arms…
I approach them and she acts like she doesn’t know me. I explained to him hey, that’s my wife (we did get remarried in February her idea) and he immediately says “no she isn’t, leave us alone, she’s single” and so I explained to this total stranger like, we are married, we are together and this is cheating. He didn’t give af. He just questioned me, how I knew where she was, accused me of stalking her. I had to show this stranger text messages between me and my wife with her asking me to pick her up at a certain time and he just scoffed at me.
That night sucked, she eventually came home but on the condition I’d leave our apartment (which she took back the second we got home).
The next day I woke up to apologies and promises.
“I don’t know why I did it”
“I won’t speak to him again”
“I want to fix this”
She didn’t. She would send him a message ending things, show me then go into work and email him claiming I forced her to do it…
He ofc grabbed onto that and started trying to paint me as abusive to her other co-workers and really tried to convince her I’m abusing her. It worked and didn’t work, she says she knows I’m not abusive but I can see that this dude is empowering her to be very cruel.
She destroyed my visa, sabotaged it 4 days before I could apply for my next year because we were switching to a marriage visa. She could have waited a few weeks and I wouldn’t have had to lose my friends, my cat and my home.
She said she wanted to visit her parents, and she ended up at his apartment. She expects me to sign everything, divorce, my car to her, she even wants to take my beautiful kitten. I can’t afford to bring him with me to Australia but I’m not letting that guy be his new dad.
Everything she does that’s not cruel to me now comes with a condition and if she just suspects that I won’t comply she uses this other guy to hurt me. And he thinks he’s the hero rescuing her.
Her parents are happy we are splitting again.
I feel entirely broken. Now I am pushing forward with the huge mission of moving back to Australia as soon as I possibly can to get away from this person. She has abused me so much I’ve not been able to put it here or you would be able to publish it as a novel.
I feel extremely trapped, not just because I don’t want her near me but because if I try to get space for myself she will spend it in his bed. I want so badly to be left alone but also equally badly for her not to be with him. He talks like a manipulative poet and I can’t imagine he would even treat her well.
I know this post is scattered, I’m in so much pain and my friends don’t answer me. They all told me not to speak to her when she reached out. I wanted so badly to prove to everyone she changed but everyone was right and I was wrong.
I could have moved on years ago.
I was doing so well without her.
I shouldn’t have tried to help her, I should have left her to go to her own people.
Breaking No contact has robbed me of years of my life I could have spent happy.
It’s never worth it. I don’t even understand how I could put my trust in another human ever again in this way.