u/OA1747

Background: I was commissioned in 2012 and resigned in 2017. Honorably discharged in 2017 as an O-3 Lieutenant. Mostly was involved in the Staff Corps of the Navy.

In parallel, I was also working in IT on the civilian side (and still do to this day). I have been working in IT project management for several years. I am an IT manager right now overseeing a team of development and operations engineers.

I am considering applying to be a reservist and continue doing IT work but in the Navy Reserve.

Have both bachelor's and master's degrees (both of which are not in technology).

I hold various project management credentials and currently have Public Trust clearance for my company that has a federal contract within the healthcare space. I could easily get Secret but we never needed it for our data classification.

Thoughts? Would love your honest feedback.

TL;DR: Regret not being a good enough student in high school early 2000s, choosing comfort and easier path, feel regret/guilt/shame for not having better college experience late 2000s. Feel less than others. Need some wisdom, shared experiences, how you managed, etc.

About Me: Hello friends I am male, age 40, attended high school in early to mid 2000s.

My parents were never academically strong. I felt loved and supported by them and other relatives, but I felt like most of my choices I made were isolated and I was on path that they never fully understood or guided. No real helicopter parents, but I did attend a high school a distance away from where I lived. Because of that distance, I never had a close group of friends I could hang-out with in high school like I have heard others experiencing. Things just felt distant. Socially limited.

Academically speaking, I was a horrible high school student. Took SATs once sometime sophomore or junior year (I think) and scored combined mid-600s. Didn't prepare, didn't take again. I was scared and didn't know what to do. Never sought help, but started feeling I wasn't good enough to be around.

On a more positive note I did to JROTC in high school and it taught me a lot that I carry through to this day. Even some of the instructors helped mentor me and gave me a lot of wisdom. So there is something I did get out of that experience.

After graduating high school mid 2000s, I did one year of junior/community college. One interesting subject but others meh just first year college English, Communication, Sociology, etc. Took a year off to just work. Then transferred to a four-year small private college out of state.

I think I learned a lot at the four-year school but I felt limited. I knew it wasn't a top-brand school. But I sorta just accepted because this was a bit of an easier path. I'm not entirely sure what I would have done had I transferred (again) but I felt like finishing (I guess, something).

Eventually completed a bachelor's degree then continued for a master's degree at another school. Eventually joined the Navy and earned an officer's commission, but resigned after a few years (very long reason why).

Now/Today: But I look back now and wonder what life would have looked like had I chosen a senior military college like Texas A&M, or maybe the Citadel. The network and camaraderie I know that the Corps of Cadets have from their first steps on campus to their alumni/alumnae years. Perhaps I would have gained that same pocket of friends and propelled me better into a military career like I wanted.

I am 40 this year. This guilt, shame, etc., hasn't hit me like this before. I thought I was okay. I see peers around me as having benefited from a much deeper "pocket" of friends they have been able to gain over the same span of time. I see social media posts from students at universities and they appear to be having a good time. We didn't really have much of the same social media back then but I wonder what I might have been able to benefit from had I done differently.

I guess I'm reaching out for a friend who went to one of these "better schools" (like, division 1) to feel like I am accepted by you and your social circle. I feel less than you. I don't know you, but I feel that way. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to join you back then. Perhaps we might have been friends in the dorms together having some fun and laughs. It's just sad I couldn't join you.

I feel less than them. Like I'm second rate. Why didn't I do better? Was it comfort? Laziness? I didn't take the initiative so I feel lesser class.

I'm sorry to rant this just gets me so tearful and sad. I have a very fragmented group of people I randomly keep in contact with over the years. But no stable friends.

Please help.