Let me know I’m not crazy.
The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back occurred this weekend. And I just need some validation here….
FIL is widower from the time my DH was 5. One child, FIL wanted a huge family. His second wife divorced him shortly after our wedding. Third wife entered picture while I was pregnant w first kid.
She comes complete with grown children and grandkids who are now 18+. We were happy for him, and also happy to have a Brady bunch style family for my kids to belong to as we don’t really have family on my side.
Ff to Microaggressions over almost a decade, when we get together for family meals, we were made to eat in a separate room due to space at the table. They could buy a bigger table (they’re loaded and there’s space) they just simply never did. Also on a family vacation last year my children were forced to leave the dining table to make room for the adults because “they had nearly an hour to eat” per MIL. I almost flipped the table and the next day she apologized after moping around all day “I’m sorry if I offended you” (lol). So after that we began to distance ourselves instead of going weekly to just maybe every other week. She seems overall fairly uninterested in our children. And they notice (aged 9 and 8).
4th of July. She invites a large amt of her extended family to stay, watch fireworks, etc. we go every year. They live off of a river that’s great for swimming, etc. We forgot our dry clothes (we actually left some friends’ pool parties to make it because family yay). I realize this when we get out of the river about an hour before dinner. We laugh “oh well, that’s summer”. Dinner time, MIL corners me in a quiet area while I have the food plates for both kids “since you’re wet, I want you to sit outside so you don’t get the furniture wet” in the 100 degree heat, in barely damp swimsuits. The kicker? There was nowhere for us to sit inside anyway with the 20+ people there. All seats have covers on them anyway. We descend the stairs to a separate level of the house, outside on the patio. Completely removed. My eyes welled up and I locked eyes with my husband and said “we…we need to leave, tell them I’m sick or something, we just need to go. I can’t do this”. He agreed. And we did.
I am not a dramatic person. I’m not emotional. I have dealt with so much in my life and am low maintenance. I have had a mantra from a young age of “they don’t really know what they said/did hurt my feelings, it’s fine”. I will say that I am sensitive to the kids being treated unfairly. But I am a high level healthcare professional who manages acutely ill patients in two hospitals. My husband works for a power utility managing engineers. We are objective people who are trained to be calm in high stress situations and manage conflict.
But this? This took effort from MIL. It’s a clear message especially after last year. That’s what bothers me. DH called FIL next day and FIL said it was somehow his fault that we didn’t have seats. Spoiler alert, that man manages nothing in his own house.
I told DH I would never go there again.
When we got home I had so much of a panic attack that I vomited. Now on Monday I sit here at work with palpitations. Knowing that my kids won’t really have a grandmother who likes them, a grandfather who barely acknowledges their existence. That we must be the pioneers of the family that we want. That I wasted 9 years trying to please my husband and be part of a large family group that has overall simply tolerated but ignored us, sacrificing valuable Sunday nights to late dinners for the kids and losing the prep time for the work week. The good thing is that we’re independent and require nothing from them.
Oh, We have a family vacation with them planned next week. 🤦🏼♀️