My [NB28] partner [M32] yells when he is angry. How can I establish boundaries while still giving him space to express his feelings?
My partner [M32] and I [NB28] have been together for two years. We live together, have cats, and both absoutley adore eachother.
The problem I have been having is that he is an angry yeller. He has only yelled AT ME maybe two times in our entire relationship - both of these times were in extraordinary circumstances and he promptly apologized.
That being said, he will yell in frustration multiple times each day. When he yells it is NOT at me or about me, it will be expressing frustration and anger with various situations (I am trying to avoid being too specific because I don't want to give anything away. Let's say for example he is stuck at a hard level in a video game, I would be able to hear him yelling about it from the living room.)
I have some significant childhood trauma and have been diagnosed w ptsd. One of my triggers is yelling, it sends me into full flight or fight every single time, even when his yelling is not directed at me. I am also autistic and aside from hating loud noises I am totally unable to differentiate between a mildly frustrated yell versus a genunely angry yell.
I can't tell the difference between him shouting in frustration with a video game versus him yelling from being in intense physical pain and distress. I have started erring on the side of everything being a minor frustration because it is easier for me to stay regulated through that that then it is for me to treat every time he yells like an urgent situation. However, I have then dismissed or not reacted appropriately to him being seriously injured because I simply did not realize that what he was yelling about was serious.
I used to compulsively appease him in these situations, literally doing whatever I can to lessen the frustration of whatever is bothering him so that he stops yelling, but now I am so fried that I just shut down. Just this morning he was yelling about something and he exclaimed/growled so loudly it made me jump in fear of the loud noise even though he was not in the room. He then walked into our bedroom, where I was, and proceeded to yell/vent about the situation upsetting him. I sat on the bed silently and dissociated until he got back into bed, I then expressed that the situation is shit and I get his frustration in a sentence or two before leaving the room. Thirty minutes later and I am still tense and on edge.
I am at my wits end. I love this man so much but cannot continue on in this relationship if nothing changes - but I do not know what needs to change and, more importantly, I don't know what is reasonable to ask him to change.
In the past I have tried to ask him to express his anger and frustration differently but that seemed to make him feel as though I don't want him to express his anger/frustration at all, which isn't the case. I actually like that he is able to express how he is feeling with me but I find the manner of his expression so so dysregulating.
Right now I am thinking about taking these two courses of action as a solution: 1) having a conversation with him where I state that I will leave the room every time he yells and then doing that, 2) asking him again to please stop yelling and trying to explain how I am feeling better.
Can people please provide me with some feedback on this situation and how I am planning on handling it? I am not sure what is reasonable to ask of him/do myself.