u/ObviouslyNotYourMom

I (32F) moved from Minnesota to Pennsylvania 5 years ago. My mom has never visited me once. The only reason I’ve seen her is because I fly back.

I used to go home constantly, but eventually realized that even after spending the money/time, my parents often only spent a few hours with me. Now I only see them when I’m already back for funerals, weddings, family illness, etc.

As an adult, I’ve realized how much of my relationship with my mom involved taking care of HER emotionally. I joked that I “raised my mom.” Even in college, she’d threaten to stop paying my car insurance/phone bill if I didn’t come home when she wanted. She visited once. One of my brothers eventually went 10 years without speaking to her.

This year I became extremely sick, couldn’t work for months and was hospitalized multiple times. She never came or offered to.

In March, I learned I needed major surgery October 1 involving my neck/chest/shoulder and operating around my carotid artery, brachial plexus and phrenic nerve. I was terrified. Mom told me MULTIPLE times she would fly to PA for it, including again around my aunt Kathy’s funeral.

In August, I went to Wisconsin to see family. I hadn’t really seen Mom in a year. She said she’d stay a week, then tried to back out entirely. My uncle, who has cancer and knows how abandoned I’ve felt by her, saw me crying and literally called her himself to convince her to come.

When she arrived, she walked straight past me into the garage. I had to say “Hello?” She turned around, said “What?” and waved. No hug.

She left after 2 days. My dad wanted to stay and they had nowhere to be. I asked them to stay. Her response was basically, “Well…here’s $20.”

She also punched my bad shoulder. I said, “Ouch! Please don’t do that, that’s the shoulder I’m having surgery on!” She replied, “Well, I should do it again then!”

On September 9, I mentioned my sister Erin MIGHT fly out for surgery but probably wouldn’t because of PTO. Mom said, “Oh good, maybe we can fly out together.”
During that SAME call, I told her I was terrified about surgery and scared I might not wake up.
She responded with a full gut-belly laugh.

I asked why she was laughing at me. She said I “misunderstood.” I told her this year had been hard enough medically without my own mother laughing at me for being scared.
She replied, “Oh, and I haven’t had a hard year either?” and hung up.

On September 14 she randomly sent me a picture of myself and asked if I liked it. When I asked why, she replied, “because of your TEETH.” I had dental work after an accident and she knows I’m insecure about them. I didn’t respond.

After that, she essentially ghosted me leading up to surgery. I called/texted. She wouldn’t answer.

October 1 came. No explanation. No “I can’t make it.” She simply didn’t come. Meanwhile, my boyfriend’s family rearranged their work schedules to care for me.
Then, TWO HOURS INTO MY SURGERY, after ghosting me, she suddenly called twice.

Six minutes before calling, she’d sent me a completely random Facebook reel of road construction in my hometown. Her voicemail was completely nonchalant: “Hey, call me when you get a chance, bye.”

I’d posted an Instagram story before surgery, so the timing made me wonder if she saw it and suddenly realized I was actually in surgery.

After surgery she repeatedly called. I initially didn’t answer because I was too angry to have a productive conversation.

When we finally talked, she claimed she “didn’t think I was getting the surgery.”

Except 3 weeks earlier I’d told her how terrified I was about THAT surgery—the same call where she laughed at me and suggested she and Erin could fly out together.

Then she said, “I heard something different and you heard something different.”
So I got specific.

I said, “After Kathy’s funeral, you told me, ‘I WILL fly out.’”
Her response: “Don’t remember that.”
I reminded her she’d ALSO told me she would come when I first learned about surgery in March.
Suddenly: “No, I told you I would come…”
Then she claimed I told her Sister was coming, she suggested they both come, and I supposedly responded, “We’ll see.”
Then her: “Never said yes you wanted me to come.”
Except I never said “we’ll see.” I told her Erin MIGHT come but probably wouldn’t because of PTO.

So her explanation went from “I didn’t think you were getting surgery” → “I heard something different and you heard something different” → “Don’t remember that” → “I told you I would come” → “You never said you wanted me there.”

I challenged her version. She left me on read.
Eventually came the response I’ve heard some variation of my entire life: “I’m so sorry, Catherine. I love you more than anything.”

That’s part of the problem. The cycle has always been: she hurts me, there’s little accountability, then comes “but I love you,” as though that makes everything okay.
I’m not considering cutting her off because she missed one surgery. The surgery just made me finally see the pattern.

I flew home. I called. I texted. I showed up. I maintained the relationship. When I stopped constantly flying 1,000+ miles home, she didn’t start coming to me.
She didn’t come when I was hospitalized. She’s never visited the life I’ve built in PA.
My uncle literally had to convince her to spend time with me because he saw me crying. Then, after repeatedly telling me she would come for one of the scariest surgeries of my life, she simply didn’t show up.

I’ve spent my life being her support system and showing up for her. But she has never been mine.
I don’t actually want to lose my mom. I want a mom who wants to show up for me without being chased, begged, reminded or convinced by someone else.

I just don’t know how many more times I can be hurt, hear “but I love you,” forgive everything without anything changing, and repeat the cycle.
AITA for finally being done?