A symptom not a cause
For 6 straight years I have relapsed countless times, promising myself never again. My longest clean streak was 7 months. I thought I had this addiction under control and then out of nowhere I folded.
This is what I had been telling myself "out of nowhere". But it's never out of nowhere. Regardless of how long I stay clean. The relapse is never out of nowhere. It follows after a bout of depression peaking its heads or that familiar feeling of hopelessness telling me I have failed at life, that I will never be enough.
I often have dommes ask me if I enjoyed the relapse. Mostly I lie with a 'yes I did' because of how badly I want to cut the conversation short and run just to try and put a lid on the intense shame.
Just wondering if others experience this too?