A lot of what I've read on here to "quit" findom seems to be anti BDSM propaganda and it's honestly so disheartening and downright ignorant at times.

I know I will get hate for this but most of us got into this through femdom. And this approach of vilifying all D/S and Dommes as well as presenting some hyper sanitized puritanical lifestyle as the only solution may be ruining it for lots of struggling finsubs.

There's insane amounts of D/s hating and misogyny that I'm surprised doesn't get pointed out more often. All it does is ostracizes them that much more and they are never able to see them as people but only these characters. Which is exactly why so many subs keep relapsing.

We need to be more inclusive and stop characterizing everything as some kink or fetish to be exploited but rather look at it from the standpoint of human emotions and psychology.

Hey I deleted my previous reddit, I had a big following on reddit and was active but after talking to someone I think his name is chunguschungle. I've recently quit it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders not gonna lie. Anyway what do I do now

Findom can feel uniquely addicting because if the taboo element, and the entire "culture" (for lack of a better word) around relapsing.

In pretty much all cases, there's nothing innately attractive or pleasant to the idea of relapsing for drugs or alcohol. The dependance comes from the substances and the state those substances put us in.

You can argue the same for Findom to an extent in that the state/horny stupor a lot of people want out if it is a pleasant state to be in, until money runs low and regret hits. But one of the big drivers in Findom is "how good a relapse would feel", and when you relapse in anything, you're likely to just get right back into engaging regularly. Because "I've already failed, may as well keep going. Maybe this is just it for me".

It isn't. When I say Findom isn't as addicting as we think, that's not me trying to down-play how hard it is for us to quit this shit, my own journey included. What gets a lot of people is the fantasy and language of addiction/helplessness for findom. It doesn't exist. You're usually just making it up in your head to fuel your next goon sesh, or to justify reckless decisions.

Findom has no tangible power over you. Dommes have no power either. You can tell they have no power by how blatant of an act the supposed dominance they exude is. You might be thinking "well MY domme is the real deal" but is she? Or do you just find her really attractive in the way that she looks or speaks to you, and so choose to let her win over you because it feel hot?

Calling in an act isn't even really an insult to dommes by the way. Of course it's an act. All of Findom is an act. We're here to have kinky fun, dommes are here for profit. Maybe some are also having their share of kinky fun too. You aren't a sub, you just have a kink. That kink doesn't set you on an inescapable path to servitude. Dommes aren't dommes, they have just found a life-hack side-hustle to grind out some extra cash at the expense of maybe some pictures, flirty messages or cosplaying the dominant girl of your dreams.

It's okay to feel addicted to findom. But zoom out now and then and realise that all of Findom is a facade. Do not let screenshots of throne sends, paypal balances, follower counts or whatever fuck metric you find on domme profiles tell you otherwise. These are people who have cracked a niche social media market, nothing more. You are just a guy who has the occasional hots for Findom. Nothing more.

Hello so I am 19 years old and been into this crap for a while, more so femdom and that aspect of it but then it lead to findom. I have now spent more in the last week or 2 then I have in total since I found this about a year and a half ago.

Now here’s the thing, I do this because I’m lonely and I acknowledge that. The annoying part is I have messaged with dommes on discord who genuinely seem nice and I love talking to them but after I send and get off to them I leave. This is because I know it can’t be healthy to actually build a bond with a domme online. Part of me thinks I will keep going back but I’m just so done with the post clarity of it all and going into debt on my bank account.

I need some kind of advice or at least some hope, I want to download discord again and start talking to the dommes I’ve been sending money to but I know I will regret it when the post clarity comes…it’s been 2 days since I’ve indulged in any form of this content

About half a year ago, I wrote about experiencing a heavy form of sub burnout on a different account. At the time, I was coming out of what I would consider a long-term dynamic-nearly two years-with a self-proclaimed proDomme.

I’ve been part of the kink scene for over eight years, with real-life experience. Still, I didn’t expect things to unfold the way they did, especially once findom entered the picture.

Recap and how it started

It started out of curiosity. I was exploring FLR, mostly on different Discords, looking for perspectives, ideas and advice.

Around the time of a painful breakup, I got “adopted,” in a sense. Conversations about devotion led quickly into something. My future Domme expressed that she wanted what I described and not long after, I was “owned,” then “collared.” as well. We just had similar tastes, desires, experiences and we had a very similar vibe most of the time as well.

There were daily good mornings, good nights, bows even in unexpected places. There was creativity, poetry, elaborate begging, shared moments. The dynamic had strong TPE elements as well. Camera surveillance, digital control, sharing passwords. But it felt… soft, intimate. It felt like sharing.

Sending wasn't even an issue for a long long time. Every Throne order felt meaningful. Mostly physical gifts were most joyful for us both. Things chosen carefully. Things tied to memory. She had access to my banking as well, but rarely took much. Small amounts, mostly symbolic, reinforcing devotion and for fun rather than exploiting it or even draining me.

We both did even confess the "L" word. And used that word more than often.

Long phone calls, daily texts. The kinky thrill wasn't too short as well. Public bows, marks play. Even role reversal. Can't imagine anyone anymore I could explore the edges and limits of RACK together.

And then something shifted.

I still don’t fully understand when or why. But distance grew, and findom slowly started to distort and take over the dynamic. Maybe it brought out the worst in me. Maybe in both of us. Eventually, everything collapsed.

Only in hindsight did I start to recognize the red flags I had ignored.

And here I am to share... the lessons i guess i learned the past year.

Ambiguity of roles.

Looking back now, I think the biggest issue was that we never clearly defined what we actually were.

Was this a relationship? A D/s dynamic? A friendship? A service arrangement? Accidental GFE? Did we date?

I never labeled it that way but my domme did hint sometimes and send mixed signals. I remember times we could read us like a book. Others perceived it as romantic. Some other dommes said… “it's just your Domme, don't think too much into it” not knowing how deep we both entangled on a daily basis. And I believed in the idea of romantic D/s. And still do.

As a “ProDomme”, she definitely crossed my boundaries.

Even now, I genuinely do not know.

Where is the line between a submissive, a partner, a friend and a paying client?

What we had was never clearly defined.

We never sat down and established boundaries or expectations outside the dynamic itself.

And that ambiguity became dangerous.

The Problem With Mixing Romance and Findom

I still believe romantic D/s can exist.

But I no longer believe it aligns naturally with Findom.

In ordinary relationships, devotion is often expressed through effort, thoughtfulness, and emotional presence. I remember once being completely broke and picking flowers from a park on the way home for an ex-girlfriend. Years later when we parted, she admitted how meaningful that small gesture had been and how much she missed it during our relationship, when things got financially stable.

Findom changes the scale entirely. One is pressured to provide a bathtub full of flowers every weekend. Otherwise one is not a “real sub” or a “brokie” or whatever.

Suddenly devotion becomes measurable through money. There is constant pressure to escalate. Bigger sends. Bigger gestures. Higher standards.

And once money becomes central, the dynamic quietly changes shape.

To something much worse.

Devaluation of sentiment

When someone’s income partly depends on you, every interaction gains a price tag in a Findom DS Dynamic. You stop feeling like a partner or even a submissive and start feeling like an asset.

That realization slowly poisoned everything for me.

Regardless how beautiful and grand some gestures were. It was a direct way into constant reassurance and spiraling in doubts which exhausted us both.

No communication could ever change that.

We never discussed rates. Never negotiated expectations properly. Yet somehow, over time, gifts and reimbursements escalated into five-digit territory.

Not through dramatic drains or reckless debt play. No “coffee sends”. Just through gradual normalization of “send”.

And no matter how much one gives, there is always the feeling that someone else can give more.

Another whale. Another old sender. Another case of relapse. One becomes one of them at that point.

The system itself encourages replacement and escalation.

What feels like a relationship slowly reveals itself as something closer to a prolonged, unspoken business contract without any emotional structure.

I knew our dynamic had fundamentally changed and died the first time I heard:

> “Don’t forget to send.”

After that, every “Hey, how are you?” felt transactional or as an attempt to relapse into sending instead of genuine curiosity and caring interest.

Romanticizing Ownership

Some say it's privilege. Some say it would take years to get "owned".

But without real commitment, it can become hollow surprisingly quickly. A collar is meaningful when attached to an actual relationship. Otherwise, it risks becoming symbolic theater held together by intensity alone.

I also noticed a strange asymmetry in many online dynamics:

Subs are often expected to remain emotionally monogamous, loyal, available, and devoted - while simultaneously being reminded that the Domme owes them nothing beyond the dynamic.

That imbalance eventually creates resentment. Especially when emotional attachment is encouraged, but emotional security is not.

Now imagine forgetting such an anniversary of said “ownership” Just nothing. No reminders, no memories, no reviews. Time just passed as nothing happened. There is nothing mutual at that point.

Accountability and Emotional Loops

Looking back, there were clear unhealthy patterns which undermined accountability on both sides.

Findommes LOVE to talk about money. And brag about sends. Rarely about burnout, mental exhaustion, ghosting, financial instability, taxes, paranoia to keep privacy, or dependency on unstable clients, pressure to maintain a persona.

The explosion of OnlyFans and TikTok Dommes oversaturated everything as well. Kinks that once required genuine knowledge or community - ex. techdom, hypnosis, psychological domination - increasingly become aesthetic extensions of Findom branding.

And when money becomes the primary incentive, authenticity becomes harder to trust.

Not because either of us were evil, but because the structure itself encouraged emotional contradictions neither of us could sustain.

Especially when emotional attachment is encouraged, but emotional security is not.

We were working around assumptions, not around a connection.

Dynamic Talk vs Real Talk

One of the hardest things to untangle was the difference between roleplay authority and genuine communication.

There was clear disconnect between “dynamic talk” and real emotional communication.

Arguments often emerged when I tried to express discomfort or express concerns. What could have been resolved through discussion instead fed into negative feedback loops.

Moving goalposts, Double standards, Suppression of concerns. All sorts of red flags.

Phrases like “silence” or “shut up”, become tools to shut down communication, when they otherwise worked in a dynamic. They were not dominant, but clearly defensive.

And resolving arguments has been by establishing the dynamic roles even further. More sends for apologies. Never leaving the headspace till the last moment when everything burned down.

I got hit so hard few times with common phrases like "You don't respect my time". Getting a bit angry when I didn't respond instantly. But expecting nearly constant responsiveness from my side. Disrupting sleep and work hours. Shaming for my own needs instead of just asking whats wrong. Or getting treated with silence when being asked the same question.

And eventually submission stopped feeling voluntary and started feeling obligatory. I lost all respect for the dom persona at some point. But started to respect the person behind the role even more when we actually spoke up on an eye level or getting a real apology for once.

The Myth of “Self-Improvement through Findom”

There is a common narrative in Findom communities that dommes “improve” their subs. Helping them grow, lose weight, succeed at promotions, etc.

Maybe sometimes that is true. In reality, many of these claims are superficial.

Many of these “transformations through devotion” seem dependent on maintaining the power structure itself. Once the dynamic collapses, the support system often collapses too. And leaves both parties in a worse state than before.

Advice like “you should pursue your passion” or “work hard and be good at your job” isn’t transformation - it’s obvious. Surface-level encouragement isn’t consistency or mutual investment.

There are genuine success stories, but they’re rare, and often not publicly visible. And dommes are often just honouring themselves on someone else's success.

Real personal growth usually requires internal motivation, not dependency on authority.

No attachment to money anymore.

Over time, I lost any real attachment to money as well.

I was rarely directly asked to send but still spiraled financially.

The scale stopped mattering: 5, 50, 500, 5000 it blurred and numbers stopped mattering anymore.

At some point, devotion becomes impossible to quantify. The scale keeps escalating, “the standards” are getting higher, while the emotional return diminishes.

Compared to other kinks that require skill, trust, knowledge, physical presence, or even story building, findom often reduces interaction to its simplest form: money exchange. Findom, at its core, can be one of the lowest-effort kinks, while demanding the highest cost. There is sadly really nothing classy or luxurious about it.

And in the end, I became disconnected not only from money, but from kink itself.

Not from love, care, or affection - those survived.

But many kinks now feel psychologically tied to pressure, performance, and emotional exhaustion rather than intimacy or pleasure.

Aftermath and Distance

At the beginning of 2026, I decided to step away completely.

I left all Findom related servers and communities. Cleaned up my twitter. Been slowly cutting ties within the kink communities I have been active in.

It was very hard to get closure. Everything was better than silence and blocking sprees.

Now 4 months later my ex-domme confessed to me that she was nearly on the same path at the same time to quitting Femdom/Findom. Just "sick” of endless horny men, emotional outlashings, the whole environment. She had even been nearly doxxed at one point and never told me. Which now makes a lot of sense in hindsight.

Ironically, we had both been collapsing under the same structure from opposite sides.

But she was talked out to, because rebuilding a Brand in a saturated market would be that worse.

The problem is not simply money.The problem is ambiguity.

When romance, submission, companionship, validation, performance, labor, and income all become inseparable, eventually nobody fully knows what is real anymore.

It wasn’t simply a failed dynamic. It was a gradual collapse caused by blurred boundaries, unspoken expectations, and a system that quietly transforms connection into transaction.

Findom, by its nature, introduces incentives that conflict with emotional authenticity, turning people into roles, and roles into revenues.

And once uncertainty enters the dynamic, trust starts eroding silently long before the relationship itself ends.

And I think that confusion is what burned me out more than anything else.

Yeah my question is how to overcome the shame and guilt, how can I accept I spent thousands of my hard earned money on findom and I really did horrible things because of this addiction, I spent money I got for my birthday from my parents for example on findom. I feel like I don't know who I am and I feel so disconnected from the world all the time. I think I also developed social anxiety cause of this addiction or it just got worse I don't know.

I have been in the findom space for almost a year now and sending for most of that time. But most of the time I'd send to them only for content and never saw the point or fun in just sending for the sake of sending. It felt stupid.

But tonight, one of the IG fitness models I had been following for years finally responded to my DM. I was euphoric and nervous at the same time because I knew what was coming. She sent me one voice clip and just hearing her say my name and call me a good boy made my brain melt. This is someone I've inconized and crushed on for years so the emotions were too strong.

Within minutes, I was out over $400. No content no trades just the pure joy and euphoria of being able to give my money to someone like her. I think I am finally getting into ACTUAL findom as this is the most I have ever sent in such a short time.

It was probably the greatest sexual euphoria I experienced out of everything I've done but now that I've calmed down, I'm scared shitless of how good and addicting it feels.

I am already wishing I had more money to send and I am scared I will lose control. What do I do?

I distinctly remember a time when I didn't know anything about Findom, gooning or any of this shite.

I'd go on the internet to watch youtube, play/look up things relating to games or books. Maybe I'd watch porn the odd time, but sexual content, while always a few clicks away, was never something I felt I just needed to get a hold of before I got into Findom.

It's worth mentioning how grossly prevalent sexual/fetish content is, even on mainstream platforms. I'm not even one to clutch pearls, but it feels like the old saying "sex sells" is really being pushed to it's absolute limits these days.

But as dominating as explicit content might have become, I know at the end of the day that it is me of course who chooses to keep engaging with it.

Maybe it's childish of me to want to go back to a time where I was blissfully unaware of this content, how perverse and addictive it can all get. Longing for that past alone isn't going to change anything either.

No point to this post really, just dumping some feelings.

I'm thinking about offering therapy session for people wanting to quit or to help subs regain control. I work in the Addiction field and understand has a sub how damaging this community can be. If I did offer sessions over zoom I would probably charge donation so pay what you feel type dynamic and if you can't afford it then it's free. I just want to help the community. Let me know if this is something that interest people.

For 6 straight years I have relapsed countless times, promising myself never again. My longest clean streak was 7 months. I thought I had this addiction under control and then out of nowhere I folded.

This is what I had been telling myself "out of nowhere". But it's never out of nowhere. Regardless of how long I stay clean. The relapse is never out of nowhere. It follows after a bout of depression peaking its heads or that familiar feeling of hopelessness telling me I have failed at life, that I will never be enough.

I often have dommes ask me if I enjoyed the relapse. Mostly I lie with a 'yes I did' because of how badly I want to cut the conversation short and run just to try and put a lid on the intense shame.

Just wondering if others experience this too?

I've kind-of always wanted to learn to play music. Bought a hand drum. Bought an acoustic guitar. Took a class and some lessons a few times. Bought a keyboard. Messed around a bit for years with each of them, mostly guitar. Studied (read) on music theory. Know the fretboard some. Know the music staff some. But never committed, never practiced with any consistency. Never got anywhere.

Not sure why or precisely when but about a week ago I got the sudden urge to buy a nice keyboard (looking at the Roland FP-30) and try again.

The downsides are money and the fear of failure.

The money doesn't matter much. It's not cheap but I'm working and this will be just a small dent in my normal budget. I've wasted many times that on findom, so I feel free to spend this on myself. (Thanks, Findom! ughhhh. LOL.)

I wrote "fear of failure" because that's a popular phrase. But it's not exactly that. It's not so much a fear as a concern or probably (given my past) outcome. It doesn't really matter if I fail, it's not like it would be some public failure. It's more like: Do I really want to set myself up for yet another thing in my life that I don't follow through on?

But then there are the potential great things.

Quitting findom is, by far, not the main reason. But I'll mention it first because that's the topic here. One problem I have is a type of boredom. When I go to work or am around friends or family I'm fine. When I work on my other hobbies or household projects, I'm fine. But there are limits to when I can do those things. I can't stain the deck or hang out with my friend at 10:30pm on a Tuesday night when I get home from work.

So there I am, at 10:30 on a Tuesday, and my options are things like: Do my bills. Write (I like to write). Read. Doom Scroll. Watch yet another episode of some series I don't like or have seen 20 times. ... or porn & findom.

Writing and bills and such are available 24/7 but they seem so much like work. Even the writing, which I like, is so cerebral and verbal that it doesn't get me out of my mind. That's where porn and findom come in. It take me right out of my mind.

I'm wondering if practicing and playing music would help. I hope that if I can get past an initial hump, which may take weeks or months, playing could become something I enjoy, can do anytime, and will help take me out of my mind.

Guitar and drum didn't work because I can't start playing in the middle of the night. But a keyboard with headphones is nearly silent. So, maybe it would work??

I'm getting older. I look to my future and see fewer and fewer good and fun things worth living for. I used to drink. I used to go to parties. I used to go out to music. But so much of that has lost interest. Just consuming. Just being out late. The socializing. It doesn't hit like it used to. It's exhausting. I'm thinking playing music might be a new thing for me that I can turn to. I can do it alone. And it can be done with other people. But without having to talk about politics or their or my lives.

I think I'm going to pull the trigger and try this.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

I've been having some of the women I usually send to reach out and send pictures etc. recently trying to get me to send more. Some of it came out of nowhere from people I haven't heard from in forever. It almost comes off as desperate to me like they are trying to get me to get back together with them. It doesn't make me want to send to them though I do feel bad sometimes for disappointing them. I just wonder if they get the same urges I do? I can imagine that it would be quite a rush to have people obsessing over you and sending you money.

It makes me feel a bit better because I used to get mad that they take advantage of my addiction but now I realize they are probably addicted to the attention and money. In a way maybe we are helping them by quitting so they can get back to reality and doing something useful and productive.

Just stay away from this subreddit. It used to be an interesting place for exchange about the findom kink. But it's a fucking cult.

It's ridden with parasites. "Dommes" offering shitty advice they weren't asked for. Normalization or even romantization of unhealthy behavior from both subs and dommes. It's disgusting. There has been a poll lately asking what you are, domme or sub. The results showed that about 60% are dommes. That says it all.

And also: If there is a post being critical on findom there's always an excuse. The domme is always in the right. The sub is always wrong. It's always the sub who should've been more careful and so on. "Dommes get scammed too" and it's just them not getting 50 bucks for investing two minutes of their time. Yeah, fuck this.

So to anyone who wants to quit, stay on this sub instead even if it isn't nearly as active. At least you get in touch with fellow people who want to quit and have a realistic outlook on this scene.

After being addicted to findom for 3 years, I now have zero interest in it at all. I've gone 2 months without engaging or consuming findom related content. After multiple failed attempts to stay away I eventually just became bored of it and now see it for what it is. A bunch of young girls from tiktok just trying to make quick money. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones but one day something clicked in my brain and now I have no desire for it anymore.

$350 to my retirement account
$325 to political donations (races are heating up in US politics)

Hey guys,

I am a former findom addict, I quit 4 years ago and today while I was trying to sleep, an idea came to my mind. What if I create a coaching program to help you guys overcome your addiction to send, with weekly Mastermind group calls on Zoom for people who are trying to recover, share ideas, thoughts, and progress.

Would this be something you guys would invest your time in doing?

View Poll

I have found the only way to stop myself from sending is to make it as hard to send as possible. I had been going a bit off the rails the past few months and I finally had enough. The main way I was sending was with a debit card so I closed the card. I feel way better cause I have two requests on cash app right now and I literally can't fulfill them without ordering a new card and waiting for it to be delivered. The only other card I have the bill is seen by other people so I'm good about not using it.

In the past I have also switched from a smart phone to an old flip phone for awhile so I couldn't spend all day looking at content while at work and I couldn't put the payment apps on it. I've been thinking of doing it again but smart phones are just so convenient.

The problem is deep down I still know ways I can send and apps I can connect to accounts without a card etc. I was thinking about putting as much money as I can into cd's and other investments or anything to make it harder to access quickly. Anything that makes it take longer and gives me a chance to think and realize I don't want to send more money.

Anyone have any tips or anything they use to make it harder to send? I think Larry Wheels had his girlfriend go through all is financials each day to make sure he wasn't spending money on cam models. I've thought about opening up to someone and asking them to do something similar but I just don't think I can do it.