I've had a problem all my life of follow though, sticking to goals, having 100 things I want to do rather than just one simple focus.

Going to a job has helped in some ways. When you get to a job, whether it's office work, janitor, driving a truck, whatever, someone else is setting the goals, setting the focus, and making sure you stick to it; even in jobs where you have a lot of autonomy.

Findom is the same in some ways. We can learn to control ourselves. Or we will be taken advantage of by someone else.

In general it's easier to fall into a hole than to get out.

It's easier to get addicted to drinking or smoking than to stop.

It's easier to get yourself into a messy situation with a spouse or workmate than to fix it.

Same with findom. Getting in is easy in painless. It just happens.

Getting out takes a lot of time, effort, strategy, and self reflection.

Another poster asked "How do you not feel the urge or desire." Here's some thoughts:

* Urges will almost certainly come. There's not sure way to just "not feel the urge." The trick is to feel the urge but not act on it.

* In other addictions this is call "urge surfing." You can feel an urge but not act on it. You kind of surf above that feeling. The urge usually only lasts a little while. Maybe 10 minutes maybe a lot more. But if you go for a walk or a drive or out to eat, the urge usually gets weaker and fades away.

* Do something else. Ideally something you enjoy. I like to go for drives in my car. Maybe I'll stop at a fast-food place and get a hamburger. Even if that hamburger isn't 100% healthy for me, it's better than being trapped in this findom crap. It's not like I do this every day. But having that as one option is helpful.

* Early on when the urges we the strongest, I found that using software to block my access to all findom sites was helpful. It's hard to have an urge for something that simply isn't possible to get. It's like a crutch for a broken leg. Not something you want to rely on forever but can be almost essential at the beginning. (Ask me about it if you want pointers.)

* Every time you act on an urge, the urges get stronger. Every time you can get beyond an urge without acting on it, you are making your resilience to the urges stronger. Giving in "one time" does not make them go away. Being strong "one time" it like climbing a rung on a ladder. One step doesn't get you very far from the ground (or out of the pit) but take 10 or 20 steps and you'll be surprised how far you have risen.

* Full transparency: Yes, I've slipped back many, many, times. Sometimes just to looking at findom content without sending. Sometimes to actually sending. Relapse is part of recovery. And one mistake does not erase the hours, days, and weeks of progress.

You can do this.

You are reding a post in r/QuittingFindom

A few posts have been made here recently talking about the safety of this group. Some posts have questioned the use of the term "Send Beggar" when referring to so-called "dommes." I've also received moderator-mail from a user that feels the term is derogatory. -- I'd like to state my opinion about that term and see what others in the group have to say about it.

In short, I have no problem with the term "Send Beggar."

1. While most people would not love being called a beggar, it's not an especially derogatory. It's not like calling someone an a-hole, a c-nt, a dick, a jerk, the n-word, or things like that.

2. The term "Send Beggar" does fairly well describe one aspect of what so-called "dommes" do. They make posts trying to manipulate people into giving them money or other gifts. Merriam-Webster defines beggar as "someone who lives by asking for money or food, a very poor person."

While "dommes" don't technically beg in the sense of pleading, they do ask for money. While most of them are probably not poor, I don't see "poor" as the part of the definition that is being referenced when calling them "Send Beggars."

3. We do need alternative terms for so-called "dommes."

For those trying to quit findom, calling the people who are receiving the money "dommes" sets up a verbal dynamic where they seem more powerful and more deserving and we, being called "subs" are setting ourselves up as less powerful and less deserving. That is 100% counterproductive to the purpose of this community.

Personally I continue to use the terms "domme" and "sub" because it is by far the most common and least distracting way to refer to these groups of people. But I always put the terms in quotes to indicate that these are "so called dommes" and "so called subs." It's important in recovering from this to break the psychological bonds that have we have created inside ourselves.

4. The description of this group is, "A community for people who want to quit findom, specifically for so-called "subs". The goal here is to help the people trying to quit. I'm not overly concerned about maybe, possibly, slightly, offending, so called "dommes."

5. Rule number one of this group is Be Kind and it's explained as "We're here to support each other. Even if you think someone is wrong or being mean to you or breaking a rule, do your best to be kind. Firm and speaking what you believe to be true is okay. Snark, sarcasm, and meanness are not.

Yes, calling someone a "beggar" may not be the absolute most kind thing one can say. But then again, calling someone a "sub" when they are trying to quit isn't the most kind thing either. I stand by the rule of being kind to one another but that doesn't mean we have to contort ourselves like a circus equilibrist.

Also, "dommes" should not be in this group anyway.

Additionally: My main reasons are listed above but I'll also add: I don't have a lot of sympathy for the sensibilities of so-called "dommes" when: They take money from vulnerable people; Some of them actively try to ruin (their words) people's lives and finances; They call people "loser", "peasant", "pig", "cuck", "idiots", "sluts", "weak", "stupid", and worse. -- Yes, those terms are part of the kink. But plenty of so-called "dommes" also really mean them.

So labeling "dommes" as "Send Beggars" doesn't seem like a problem to me.

EDITED: Removed some words for clarity.

If you want to quit sending and being a "paypig" check out r/QuittingFindom

This is a group to help support people who are going through something difficult. If quitting findom were easy for the person, they wouldn't be here. It's okay to offer some harsh truths but you have to be kind about it.

Some things that are NOT okay:

* Assuming or questioning someone's post as not real, or "bait."

* Giving one-line harsh advice like "Dude. Stop. Read the Bible."

* Calling anyone pejorative names like "idiot" or "weak."

If you think a post is harmful to the community or needs attention, flag a moderator.

A week ago I came the closest to sending than I have in the past 5 months.
Here's the debrief.

Why / How I Got Close to Sending:

* Some very emotional things have been happening in my life lately. None of it is to do with romantic relationships or sex but I think it has still made me more vulnerable than usual.

* Other life changes. Job and homelife are also likely to change soon. So there is stress there.

* She was just the look that gets me. I don't have one single look or type but I do have things that get to me and others that turn me off. Fortunately for me, most "dommes" these days have looks or styles that turn me off. This person was, to me, like WOW!

* She said (typed) all the right things. Most "dommes" now want money withing 20 seconds of messaging. My weakness in the past was that once I chatted with a "domme" for 30+ minutes I felt that I knew her (a bit) that she knew me (a bit) and, most compelling, that I owed her something for her attention. This "domme" said the right things and so I felt a connection and obligation to send.

How I Got Away:

* Software that blocks my sending:
I've been lax on keeping all my blocks up. (I think of them like the shields on the Starship Enterprise LOL -- and like Kirk I sometimes get caught with my blocks down.) -- It's the blocks on reddit that are hard to maintain because I still want to use Reddit for other things. But I did have my blocks against PayPal, Throne, Etc,, in place. I could have gotten around them but the barrier was high enough to break the spell. Having to get away from gooning and do technical stuff and THINK really was just too big of a barrier.

* The Experience of Doing it Before:
As I said, I had a strong feeling that I "owed" this person something for the time we spent. And yet, because I've been there before, many, many times, somewhere deep in myself that I really didn't owe her shit. I remembered that after those other times I had sent out of obligation, I remembered it was stupid and felt awful about it. This experience let me get away this time. -- It's like knowing how a trap works makes it easier to escape the next time.

* I Knew I'd Feel Awful
I'm a strong believer that a failure is just a learning point and not something to dwell on. I believe we should all just forgive ourselves and move on if we relapse at anything. Which makes the "number of days not sending" just a number. -- And yet, the number meant something. I knew that sending would mean throwing away months of work.

* I Knew I'd Feel Awful -- II
I knew that facing my friends and family and even coworkers would feel awful inside if I sent. Even in the heat of gooning for this "domme" I could remember that dreadful feeling that lasts days or even weeks after sending.

Take Away:
I think sometimes people come to this group looking for The Way Out. They want The Answer. But part of it is simply experience. We can type words at each other all day long. Those words can help show the way. But there is no substitute for experience.

You can't learn to play the piano or learn to throw a foot ball by just talking about it or watching YouTube videos or reading a book. You have to do it. You have to live it.

Anyway, that's by reflection for today.

Stay strong, everyone.

I've kind-of always wanted to learn to play music. Bought a hand drum. Bought an acoustic guitar. Took a class and some lessons a few times. Bought a keyboard. Messed around a bit for years with each of them, mostly guitar. Studied (read) on music theory. Know the fretboard some. Know the music staff some. But never committed, never practiced with any consistency. Never got anywhere.

Not sure why or precisely when but about a week ago I got the sudden urge to buy a nice keyboard (looking at the Roland FP-30) and try again.

The downsides are money and the fear of failure.

The money doesn't matter much. It's not cheap but I'm working and this will be just a small dent in my normal budget. I've wasted many times that on findom, so I feel free to spend this on myself. (Thanks, Findom! ughhhh. LOL.)

I wrote "fear of failure" because that's a popular phrase. But it's not exactly that. It's not so much a fear as a concern or probably (given my past) outcome. It doesn't really matter if I fail, it's not like it would be some public failure. It's more like: Do I really want to set myself up for yet another thing in my life that I don't follow through on?

But then there are the potential great things.

Quitting findom is, by far, not the main reason. But I'll mention it first because that's the topic here. One problem I have is a type of boredom. When I go to work or am around friends or family I'm fine. When I work on my other hobbies or household projects, I'm fine. But there are limits to when I can do those things. I can't stain the deck or hang out with my friend at 10:30pm on a Tuesday night when I get home from work.

So there I am, at 10:30 on a Tuesday, and my options are things like: Do my bills. Write (I like to write). Read. Doom Scroll. Watch yet another episode of some series I don't like or have seen 20 times. ... or porn & findom.

Writing and bills and such are available 24/7 but they seem so much like work. Even the writing, which I like, is so cerebral and verbal that it doesn't get me out of my mind. That's where porn and findom come in. It take me right out of my mind.

I'm wondering if practicing and playing music would help. I hope that if I can get past an initial hump, which may take weeks or months, playing could become something I enjoy, can do anytime, and will help take me out of my mind.

Guitar and drum didn't work because I can't start playing in the middle of the night. But a keyboard with headphones is nearly silent. So, maybe it would work??

I'm getting older. I look to my future and see fewer and fewer good and fun things worth living for. I used to drink. I used to go to parties. I used to go out to music. But so much of that has lost interest. Just consuming. Just being out late. The socializing. It doesn't hit like it used to. It's exhausting. I'm thinking playing music might be a new thing for me that I can turn to. I can do it alone. And it can be done with other people. But without having to talk about politics or their or my lives.

I think I'm going to pull the trigger and try this.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

$350 to my retirement account
$325 to political donations (races are heating up in US politics)