u/Odd-Dark-5939

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my past marriage and was not sure about posting this but here I am, so I genuinely want outside perspectives because I still struggle to understand what actually happened in the relationship.
I know I made mistakes. One of the biggest was breaking trust by lying about something relatively small, but I understand that it became bigger because it was the fact that I lied at all. It was also the only lie in the relationship, which is part of why I still struggle to understand everything that happened afterward. I fully understand why that hurt trust, and I regret it deeply.
My ex also struggled a lot emotionally and mentally during the relationship, and from her perspective the relationship became extremely damaging and destabilizing for her. She felt like I invalidated her emotions at times and that she was constantly questioning herself and trying to “fix” herself. Her mental health and physical symptoms also got significantly worse during the relationship, which I know deeply affected her and contributed to how she now views the relationship.
At the same time, from my perspective, the relationship dynamic became extremely emotionally intense and unhealthy for both of us. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells because conflicts could escalate very quickly over things that felt small to me on the surface (a time I didn’t get Uber Eats, not holding her hands down a flight of stairs, originally not opening the car door, etc.). I know there was usually more emotional context behind those situations from her perspective, and I could honestly make entire separate posts explaining the details/context behind a lot of those conflicts because it’s too much to fully explain in one post.
What also made things difficult was that my wrongdoings, whether they were more understandable issues like the trust-breaking lie, disappointing her, or not following through on something I said I would do, or even smaller misunderstandings/mistakes, often seemed to become emotional triggers that would set off much larger reactions.
For the more understandable issues, I completely understand why those things hurt her and why we would circle back to discussing them. I’m not trying to minimize that at all. But what confused me was that even with smaller wrongdoings where I would still apologize and take accountability, the conversations would repeatedly return to what I originally did wrong rather than the intensity of the reaction afterward. So even when conflicts escalated into screaming, throwing things, threats of divorce/breakups, insults, or huge emotional reactions, it often felt like the disproportionate reaction itself was never really addressed because the focus would go back to the original mistake that triggered it.
To be clear, I never screamed at her, threw things, or had those kinds of explosive reactions toward her myself, which is part of why I became increasingly anxious and hypervigilant in the relationship over time.
After many of these conflicts, there were also moments where she would apologize, say she didn’t actually want to leave, and acknowledge that her emotions became overwhelming at times. I suggested couples therapy multiple times because I genuinely felt like we were stuck in a painful cycle, but we never ended up going.
Another thing that became really confusing was that she eventually felt like I was trying to “take her identity” or become her. For example, if I bought certain gym clothes, liked certain brands, picked up interests/styles from being around her, or even did normal couple things where influence naturally happens, it would sometimes be interpreted as me copying her or trying to become her. From my perspective, I thought that kind of influence was normal in close relationships since people naturally rub off on each other, but from her perspective it became something much darker and more intentional.
Toward the end of the relationship, she also started using terms like DARVO, gaslighting, covert abuse, manipulation, trauma bonding, etc. to describe the relationship and my behavior. What confuses me is that while I absolutely know I made mistakes and contributed to the problems, I never consciously viewed myself as trying to manipulate or psychologically destroy someone. At the same time, I understand intent and impact are not always the same thing, which is why I’m trying to reflect honestly instead of automatically dismissing her experience.
What’s also confusing to me is that this relationship felt dramatically different from every other relationship I’ve experienced. I’ve had previous relationships and disagreements before, but never with this level of emotional intensity, anxiety, or instability. Even after my divorce, I briefly dated someone else and conflict felt calm and emotionally safe in comparison. We could disagree without things spiraling. It made me realize how hypervigilant and anxious I had become in my marriage.
Even though it’s been a long time since we last spoke and she probably hates me now, I still love her. That’s part of what makes this so hard to process. I’ve tried to move forward, but this relationship genuinely changed me psychologically. I feel like I’m getting to a point where I don’t even want to be the same person I used to be in relationships, the person who fully gave their heart and gave everything to someone, because somehow it all led me here. And I don’t know how to reconcile loving someone while also feeling emotionally damaged by the relationship at the same time.
I still struggle to move past it. I still think about her every day, even after all this time, and honestly I don’t know how to let go of the confusion, guilt, love, hurt, and self-doubt that came from this relationship. I genuinely need advice from people who may have experienced something similar because I feel mentally stuck trying to make sense of it all.
I still don’t think she’s evil or crazy. I genuinely believe she was hurting and that her experience felt very real to her. I’m also not trying to paint myself as innocent. I know I contributed to the problems too. I just struggle with understanding whether this sounds like:
-a mutually unhealthy/toxic relationship dynamic,
emotional incompatibility,
-unresolved trauma/issues on both sides,
or if I genuinely sound emotionally abusive without realizing it.
Has anyone else experienced a relationship where both people walked away feeling emotionally damaged and with completely different interpretations of what happened?

Edit: I’m also not posting this because I’m hoping to reconnect with her. I genuinely just need advice from people who may have experienced something similar because I still feel emotionally stuck and confused about the relationship even after all this time.