r/PMDDpartners

We have been together for about 5 months, she only recently thinks she might have something like PMDD, or something to do with her cycle. I thought that her extreme verbal abuse just had to do with PMDD and luteal, but I have realized that this extends past her luteal phase, which just means it's abuse I guess, it's just a lot worse in luteal.

The last interaction we had, I tried to tell her I was unhappy in our relationship, and that I felt criticized often. She yelled at me and criticized me for not bringing this up at the right time, right way, etc. I asked her why she wasn't curious about why I feel criticized, why she wasn't curious about why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling, and she couldn't give me an answer.

I am thinking of ending this relationship, but she has just started her luteal phase today. She has started her luteal phase with a text kind of trying to apologize I guess, but it mostly confirmed my fears that she isn't interested in my feelings.

What do I do? Do I wait until luteal is over? Do I go no contact? Do I say something now to let her know this isn't ok?

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my past marriage and was not sure about posting this but here I am, so I genuinely want outside perspectives because I still struggle to understand what actually happened in the relationship.
I know I made mistakes. One of the biggest was breaking trust by lying about something relatively small, but I understand that it became bigger because it was the fact that I lied at all. It was also the only lie in the relationship, which is part of why I still struggle to understand everything that happened afterward. I fully understand why that hurt trust, and I regret it deeply.
My ex also struggled a lot emotionally and mentally during the relationship, and from her perspective the relationship became extremely damaging and destabilizing for her. She felt like I invalidated her emotions at times and that she was constantly questioning herself and trying to “fix” herself. Her mental health and physical symptoms also got significantly worse during the relationship, which I know deeply affected her and contributed to how she now views the relationship.
At the same time, from my perspective, the relationship dynamic became extremely emotionally intense and unhealthy for both of us. I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells because conflicts could escalate very quickly over things that felt small to me on the surface (a time I didn’t get Uber Eats, not holding her hands down a flight of stairs, originally not opening the car door, etc.). I know there was usually more emotional context behind those situations from her perspective, and I could honestly make entire separate posts explaining the details/context behind a lot of those conflicts because it’s too much to fully explain in one post.
What also made things difficult was that my wrongdoings, whether they were more understandable issues like the trust-breaking lie, disappointing her, or not following through on something I said I would do, or even smaller misunderstandings/mistakes, often seemed to become emotional triggers that would set off much larger reactions.
For the more understandable issues, I completely understand why those things hurt her and why we would circle back to discussing them. I’m not trying to minimize that at all. But what confused me was that even with smaller wrongdoings where I would still apologize and take accountability, the conversations would repeatedly return to what I originally did wrong rather than the intensity of the reaction afterward. So even when conflicts escalated into screaming, throwing things, threats of divorce/breakups, insults, or huge emotional reactions, it often felt like the disproportionate reaction itself was never really addressed because the focus would go back to the original mistake that triggered it.
To be clear, I never screamed at her, threw things, or had those kinds of explosive reactions toward her myself, which is part of why I became increasingly anxious and hypervigilant in the relationship over time.
After many of these conflicts, there were also moments where she would apologize, say she didn’t actually want to leave, and acknowledge that her emotions became overwhelming at times. I suggested couples therapy multiple times because I genuinely felt like we were stuck in a painful cycle, but we never ended up going.
Another thing that became really confusing was that she eventually felt like I was trying to “take her identity” or become her. For example, if I bought certain gym clothes, liked certain brands, picked up interests/styles from being around her, or even did normal couple things where influence naturally happens, it would sometimes be interpreted as me copying her or trying to become her. From my perspective, I thought that kind of influence was normal in close relationships since people naturally rub off on each other, but from her perspective it became something much darker and more intentional.
Toward the end of the relationship, she also started using terms like DARVO, gaslighting, covert abuse, manipulation, trauma bonding, etc. to describe the relationship and my behavior. What confuses me is that while I absolutely know I made mistakes and contributed to the problems, I never consciously viewed myself as trying to manipulate or psychologically destroy someone. At the same time, I understand intent and impact are not always the same thing, which is why I’m trying to reflect honestly instead of automatically dismissing her experience.
What’s also confusing to me is that this relationship felt dramatically different from every other relationship I’ve experienced. I’ve had previous relationships and disagreements before, but never with this level of emotional intensity, anxiety, or instability. Even after my divorce, I briefly dated someone else and conflict felt calm and emotionally safe in comparison. We could disagree without things spiraling. It made me realize how hypervigilant and anxious I had become in my marriage.
Even though it’s been a long time since we last spoke and she probably hates me now, I still love her. That’s part of what makes this so hard to process. I’ve tried to move forward, but this relationship genuinely changed me psychologically. I feel like I’m getting to a point where I don’t even want to be the same person I used to be in relationships, the person who fully gave their heart and gave everything to someone, because somehow it all led me here. And I don’t know how to reconcile loving someone while also feeling emotionally damaged by the relationship at the same time.
I still struggle to move past it. I still think about her every day, even after all this time, and honestly I don’t know how to let go of the confusion, guilt, love, hurt, and self-doubt that came from this relationship. I genuinely need advice from people who may have experienced something similar because I feel mentally stuck trying to make sense of it all.
I still don’t think she’s evil or crazy. I genuinely believe she was hurting and that her experience felt very real to her. I’m also not trying to paint myself as innocent. I know I contributed to the problems too. I just struggle with understanding whether this sounds like:
-a mutually unhealthy/toxic relationship dynamic,
emotional incompatibility,
-unresolved trauma/issues on both sides,
or if I genuinely sound emotionally abusive without realizing it.
Has anyone else experienced a relationship where both people walked away feeling emotionally damaged and with completely different interpretations of what happened?

Edit: I’m also not posting this because I’m hoping to reconnect with her. I genuinely just need advice from people who may have experienced something similar because I still feel emotionally stuck and confused about the relationship even after all this time.

Hello to my new friends! Thanks so much for your help on my last post! https://www.reddit.com/r/PMDDpartners/s/X5ql0YiG7m

You all really gave amazing advice and knowing others deal with PMDD in their partners and have similar patterns really helped me a lot during a hard time.

I was curious, she’s reposted a lot of social media kind of alluding to like.. Idk.. waiting for a text or call from me but I don’t get it , idk if I’m reading into it and why I would be the one she is the one that broke up with me during her PMDD. But I also don’t know if it’s over.

So the PMDD showed up Wednesday around mid day, maybe late Wednesday.

Thursday she was being rude and up and down, Friday morning she broke up with me.

So that’s 5 almost 6 full days now. Idk how long until the “ I forgot the phrase “ comes about and her emotions stabilize ( hormones etc. )

But, do I reach out with something just gentle today? Wait a day? I do want to reach out and try to fix this, and if things are fixed I can then slowly wait for her to be in the right mindset so we can go and proactively get whatever medication she needs.

I don’t know what to do. I’m constantly anxious. I’m sorry for the constant need for help / advice, I’m
Just… depressed would be the best way to put it. I’m not over her, she’s not over me, I’m almost 100% sure, it wouldn’t make sense, it’s the same pattern and the switch just…. Would be so… random.

Anyways.

Let me know if you would kindly your advice! On what I should do? When to reach out, how to and how long I should wait, should it be period time soon I think her period starts today or yesterday. One of the two. Maybe tomorrow but pretty sure today.

I’m a 24 year old who over the last year has started to really struggle with PMDD. I take Fish oil capsules, vitamin D, antihistamine, Lexapro, Vitamin B12, I sleep well, I go to the gym 3x a week. I do tons to combat it. I’d like to mention for anyone struggling that some months I do notice an improvement and I recommend all these things. I am also in therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. I was wondering, does anyone else with BPD have their symptoms become 1000x worse during their luteal phase? Or does anyone without BPD experience what I do? When I’m ovulating I’m almost manic, hypersexual, I experience limerance and am full of energy. But during my luteal phase I become like a Zombie- exhausted, apathetic, I lose hope in everything, lose motivation, I start to believe I’m genuinely a complete waste of space. I also can experience extreme rage/suicidal ideation. This week is one of those rarer times when I genuinely can’t leave my bed and I have an exam tomorrow! I’ll be fine, I’ve written notes, but all I can do is lie in bed and listen to Adrianne Lenker. The emptiness is unbearable! Does anyone experience this?

I'll try to be as clear as I can, it's another sleepless night and I'm so anxious being apart from her. last month I ended my 1.5 year relationship with K, almost every week there would be a crash out, she was very hot and cold, and I couldn't handle it, I'm autistic and very sensitive so I'd completely crumble when she would go cold on me, it was terrifying because she would seem like a completely different person

it was very toxic for over a year and I actually broke up with her before in june last year, but I came crawling back in just 5 days and we got back together, it's been a month now without her and ima be real, I get no peace, every night is the same with millions of what ifs "what if I didnt take her mood swings personally, what if I stayed just a little longer" I feel like i could have supported her better, I could have given her more space, we are both very clingy but I could have learned to stay calm when she had mood shifts, I could have done so much better

I truly believe she is my soulmate, not was, is, I'm terrified of the idea of years later meeting someone new, and just being utterly disappointed, this girl had everything I love in someone, literally everything, but she had severe pmdd and the inconsistency killed me, it's just something someone like me can't take. it's not fair, she was affectionate, clingy, accepting of my quirks, and so so comforting, she was perfect and still is despite her condition, I just wasn't strong enough to keep going, im terrified ill be alone forever because ill never ever top this relationship

I just dont know how to feel, on one hand the way she treated me was completely unacceptable and straight up poison, my nervous system couldn't handle the emotional rollercoaster and I ended up getting very physically ill, I feel like it had to be done or it would only get worse, I lost all mental stamina and our last months together felt like a countdown to the end, I tried so so so hard to do my best for her, and she tried her best too, she would always apologise and communicate everything with me, and we would always cuddle it out after bad mood swings, I gave her all I had, but it wasnt enough, and I miss her so much and I just want to cry and never leave my bed

My partner and I have been together just over a year now. We have had many break ups.

Some months no breakups. The breakups are entirely her breaking up with me and me trying to resolve the matter and understand.

I have not once broken up with her, nor want to. I want to support her. Through this journey I have made many mistakes before coming and joining groups. This is my first time reaching out.

I have spent time researching pmdd over the months.

A little information that I have tracked. It appears that the struggles or storms she experiences are during, towards the end or after the cycle. It usually lasts until about a week or a few more days of her isolating/ghosting after the argument. Then out of nowhere, out of the blue, she will reach out, to hang out. She behaves as if the scenario didn’t happen. We are happy and laughing and joking.

I haven’t brought it up during the better times, out of fear of causing stress for her or myself. Lately these experiences have been more frequent and things seem worse. Also note # she is in her 40s and may be perimenopause, along with other mental health issues.

AI is pretty annoying – but this one made me smile.

>If a woman's premenstrual rage or despair is driven by the severe late-luteal prostaglandin surge seen in primary dysmenorrhea, endometriosis, or fibroids, it is a physical phenocopy of PMDD

That was after I told it to quit patronizing me. :)

I recently wrote a thing about IUDs and how they “should” not help with PMDD and could easily make matters worse. Nevertheless I consistently see posts and comments on the other sub about how IUDs do, in fact, help with PMDD symptoms. Why is that?

Those women do not have PMDD. But it surely looks like they do.

According to the diagnostic criteria PMDD is any 5 of a possible 11 symptoms that “are associated with clinically significant distress or interference with work, school, usual social activities, or relationships with others.” PMDD has an extremely high misdiagnosis rate (40-80%) and there are many conditions that look an awful lot like PMDD. Dysmenorrhea is one.

Too often women don’t get a proper diagnosis and experience years of frustration trying to treat a disorder they don’t have. Many in the medical community are unaware PMDD even exists, or have old fashioned biases like “Oh, that’s just the new name for PMS.” Often women have to do their own research and become convinced they have PMDD because all the symptoms line up and when they finally find a doctor who agrees with them it’s like the sun breaking through the clouds. Doctors themselves, the ones that are PMDD aware, often just listen to a list of symptoms and say “Yep, sounds like PMDD.”

But just because it happens during luteal doesn’t mean it’s PMDD. That is why it is so important to get the blood work done – to rule out a host of other things it could be. Beyond the blood work look to the symptoms. Treatment recommendations are what they are because they help most women with PMDD. The recommendation is a mono-phasic Combined Oral Contraceptive (like Yaz) and a low dose intermittent SSRI. But some doctors know only one solution for anything to do with the reproductive system and that solution is Birth Control – whatever birth control is handy.

The reason COCs work for PMDD is they shut down the ovaries. Then the hormonal cycle that is driven by the ovaries stops and the PMDD that is driven by the changes in the hormonal cycle stops. IUDs do not have enough actual chemical in them to stop the ovaries from doing their thing and the cycle continues. For a woman with PMDD an IUD will not help. It can’t.

IUDs prevent conception by increasing the amount of mucus in the cervix so the egg cannot get through to the uterus and by thinning the uterine lining so there is nothing for the egg to implant in if it does get there. That second part is the key. IUDs make the uterine lining so thin there is nothing to shed during menses. There is no reason to have a period and consequently, even though an IUD does not stop her cycle, it does stop her period.

How can PMDD persist when she doesn’t have her period? This is how. She still has her cycle.

Dysmenorrhea is characterized by extreme cramping before and during menses. Often comorbid with heavy flow (menorrhagia) and subsequent anemia (low iron). The extreme cramping is caused by an overabundance of prostaglandins. Extreme as in traumatic. Extreme to the point of causing psychological distress. And the prostaglandins that cause the contractions (and the cramping) in the uterus … that helps to sluff off the uterine lining during menses … are manufactured by the uterine lining. No lining = no prostaglandins = no contractions = no period.

Dysmenorrhea is a phenocopy of PMDD meaning it looks a lot like PMDD but isn’t. It has a different cause even though the symptoms are similar. The contractions and cramping start a couple days before her period starts to begin to loosen the lining. It looks like a premenstrual disorder because it starts premenstrually. And the contractions are severe enough to cause psychological trauma. She’s raging because she’s in tremendous physical pain.

Fortunately treating for PMDD will also stop dysmenorrhea because if you stop the reproductive cycle with a COC you also stop menses. Not by thinning the lining but by stopping the lining from forming in the first place. No period doesn’t mean no cycle. But no cycle does mean no period.

Similarly for endometriosis and submucosal fibroids. Both are forms of secondary dysmenorrhea which just means it’s dysmenorrhea symptoms caused by something else. Or it’s a Premenstrual Exacerbation (PME) of a known condition that results in symptoms like PMDD.

Endometriosis is a condition in which uterine lining grows outside the uterus. “Outside the uteris” is the pelvic cavity where basically everything is and endometriosis lesions can grow anywhere. Depending on where they are the lesions can cause a host of symptoms including bowel and urinary pain, pain during sex, nausea, constipation, infertility, chronic fatigue, nerve pain, and radiating leg pain.

All that can be exacerbated premenstrually for the same reason dysmenorrhea is. The signal that causes the uterine lining to start producing prostaglandins activates the external lesions as well. The prostaglandins outside the uterus cause inflammation, chemical burns, pelvic bleeding and continuous, high-amplitude trauma signals sent directly to the brain. It’s the trauma that produces the Rage.

As the name implies submucosal fibroids are fibroids that grow under the uterine lining on the uterine wall. They are permanent (benign) tumors that can only be removed by surgery and they disrupt the normal activities of the uterus just by being there. The uterus detects them as a foreign invaders and tries to expel them during menses by jacking up the production of prostaglandins precisely so the contraction will be extra violent. It doesn’t work so the system will try again next cycle. And the next and the next.

For both endometriosis and submucosal fibroids inhibiting/stopping the growth of the uterine lining mitigates/prevents symptoms. So if a woman with one of these conditions is misdiagnosed with PMDD, and incorrectly given an IUD or POP as the Birth Control method to stop the “PMDD”, it’ll work. Multiple errors compounded to make a happy accident. The patient is cured!

That seems really unlikely. You’d have to have an idiot doctor making multiple mistakes stumbling across an actual fix for the wrong disorder Clouseau style. But it’s more common than you’d expect. Estimates are 50% to 90% of women experience dysmenorrhea. Of those 15% to 20% experience severe dysmenorrhea. Taking the low end of both ranges (50% of 15%) means at least 7.5% of menstruating women experience extreme physical agony before their period every single month.

Endometriosis impacts roughly 10% of women and takes an average of 7-10 years to be properly diagnosed. Typically those women are initially mis-diagnosed with a premenstrual mood disorder because symptoms appear like clockwork every time the uterine lining starts producing prostaglandins.

Fibroids impact 70% - 80% of women with about 30% being large enough and positioned so the body reacts. 30% of 70% is 21% of women worldwide have fibroids significant enough to cause secondary dysmenorrhea.

Combined about 30% of women who menstruate have intense, undiagnosed or untreated physical pelvic disorders that look an awful lot like PMDD. Suddenly I’m wondering why we don’t see more “PMDD” being “cured” with IUDs and POPs. Indeed PMDD only affects 2-8% of women and is a diagnosis of exclusion. It’s only PMDD if it isn’t anything else. So why aren’t these pelvic cavity disorders being actively tested for during the PMDD diagnostic process?

Mostly because it’s hard. Lesions and fibroids are both really difficult to detect short of exploratory surgery and dysmenorrhea itself has no physical presence, nothing to look for. But primary dysmenorrhea has a multitude of symptoms and secondary dysmenorrhea caused by endometriosis or fibroids has those same symptoms. The symptomology is where we can see the difference.

Unlike PMDD secondary dysmenorrhea can cause constant low-grade fatigue, backaches, and bloating even during follicular, as well as diarrhea and pelvic pain during luteal. Psychological symptoms are directly related to the traumatic physical pain of the disorder not the hormonal shifts in the cycle.

Lets wrap this up as I’m starting to confuse myself. Basically this:

If your SO has PMDD and an IUD cured it that’s great. Likely she does not have PMDD. Who cares? Whatever it was is cured. But keep all this in mind because eventually that IUD has to come out. She can just put another one in and go another 5 years but life goes on and things change so be aware. Talk to your doctor about tracking down the real cause of symptoms so you're ready when the time comes.

If your SO has PMDD and her doctor gave her an IUD and now she’s cranky all the time but has no period … likely she does have PMDD and her doctor is a doofus. Go read the other post about IUDs and why they don’t work for PMDD.

If your SO has been diagnosed with PMDD and is considering “birth control” talk about all this stuff. Specifically ask about symptoms like period pain, heavy bleeding, and diarrhea. Statistically it’s more likely to be some form of dysmenorrhea than PMDD.

If you do suspect dysmenorrhea try to rule that out. Typically, secondary dysmenorrhea has low-level symptoms all month (due to the underlying condition) then an extended, intense luteal flare. Primary dysmenorrhea has no underlying condition, so the only symptom is a short, but intense, luteal window - just one or two days before, and the first few days of, her period. Talk to your doctor about backing up two more days (starting day 24) and trying an NSAID, like prescription strength ibuprofen, to ward off possible inflammation caused by any excess prostaglandins. If that helps talk some more about possible endometriosis or fibroids.

Correctly treating the “PMDD” with a COC that shuts down the ovaries will also stop the dysmenorrhea if that’s what she has. But if what she has is secondary dysmenorrhea due to endometriosis or fibroids that is masking a time bomb. Symptoms disappear but the lesions or fibroids continue to spread and grow. Other causes of secondary dysmenorrehea, like adenomyosis, pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), and cervical stenosis are similarly masked by properly treating “PMDD”. It is important to get the diagnosis right so you treat what you have – even if the treatment ends up being the same damn thing.

But the single most important take away is this: IUDs do not help PMDD. If you read online about people who love their IUD because their “PMDD” symptoms went away don’t believe it. That’s fantastic for them but they should spend some time looking for the actually cause of their symptoms. If your loved one truly has PMDD and goes to the trouble and pain of getting an IUD fitted it will not help and will likely make things worse. At the very least try a mini-pill first to test for an adverse reaction before committing to an invasive semi-permanent procedure.

I intended to wrap it up six paragraphs ago. Sheesh. Does anybody have any questions?

Found this community and I figured I’d ask what to do.

My girlfriend has PMDD, for the second month in a row she’s broken up with me the week before her period, last month everything was good right after the few days pre-period passed and back to loving again.

3 days ago we were talking about our future our love . Then like a switch 24 hours later ( her period is in like 2 days ) she went.. “ I feel off “ then complaining about relationship, then yesterday on phone said she doesn’t want to see me in person and needs space and then today I missed her calls at 9 am. She called to break up, she sent a text saying she can’t drag it on and has to end thing and would appreciate me respecting her space.

I said “ I understand and respect your decision . “

I didn’t want to fight or anything because it happened literally last month the same exact pattern and I don’t know what to do. Should I just wait it out a few days for her period to come and maybe PMDD to pass? because last time she contacted me after a few days crying and saying she was sorry and spiraling and wanted to see me. We were all back to even better than ever. like she’s totally in love with me.

But now.. same shit different month, so it’s just weird. I don’t know how to handle this.

What is the best advice? Thank you! This is so weird it’s emotional whiplash she always turns off location, blocks me on socials, and breaks up, then contacts me saying she wants to talk. Idk what she even wanted to say on the phone, I guess probably just the same so best I just didn’t get the call. I hope it isn’t the end, it would make no sense.

Also oddly yesterday she wakes up and says she wants to out of nowhere move to another state ,. Like… out of nowhere. So I knew something was off.

How do I handle this delicately? I’m not going to contact her until she contacts me or until like a week passes if like she doesn’t is that the right approach ? I love her and she loves me. I don’t get it at all.

Bi male here married to straight women for 20 years. Since having kids 17 years ago, we have had 17 years of PMDD cycles (oftentimes 3 week cycles) of varying intensity. I don’t have hobbies. The neediness and lack of trust I experience, coupled with passive aggressive/mean behavior and comments are finally breaking me.
It doesn’t help that when the hormone switch flips following her period, it is a happy week of apparent amnesia about how she treated me.
To the point that at times it’s almost comical, but if I acknowledge or mention it, I’m gaslighting her.
Super fun.
Anyway, I am exhausted and have been thoroughly therapy’ed.
I’m tired of not getting any alone time (even an hour every few days) without feeling guilty the entire time.
I’m tired of feeling like I am never doing enough or that no matter my effort, her PMDD makes me feel like I’m still wildly missing the mark for supporting her.
I’m tired.
Anyone feel this? 😞

So luteal comes for my partner, along with the laundry list of things I've done wrong and the very long discussions about it and whatever else there is to rage about. Then Period happens and a couple days of calm then for some reason the worst day is the month is right after it finishes.

Then, follicular is here! Yay! But no wait there is one more agonizing step to take before we can enjoy the good weeks... A long discussion I call 'the penance', where there is a list of things I will agree to work on and such in order for us to be good again. Anyone else always have to have the penance discussion?

And I just can’t help but wonder if this is how she’s always feeling about me beneath the surface and it just spills out during that time where she can no longer control it?!

I dunno; it’s affecting my self-Esteem though.
Does anyone else have this issue?
How do you all cope with this? And then how do you move past if after the fact?

Thanks in advance. I’m really after advice so you’re welcome to take the floor..

I was texting somebody (mom) confiding in her that my wife refuses to believe that it’s possible that she has pmdd and she won’t go see a doctor. The text message was something like “you know it’s even genetic and I do remember her telling me about her sister going at her husband with a knife one time.” then I saw that she read it. shes in her luteal phase right now……She’s at work right now. I’m so scared. I think the best course of action is to be asleep when she gets home or have my phone out and already recording when she walks through the door and keep repeating “ this is for both of our safety!”

I sent the text this morning, I am no longer willing to mend a broken relationship with someone that won't reflect on herself and behavior. The last 6 years have been hard and the last 3 month's have been hell. She attempted suicide and then when I called the EMS, they arrive and she started claiming abuse and violence on my part. When my version of the story was heard, I had/have the opportunity to press assault charges against, which I decided not at this time because I just wanted her to get real help. She went to psych facility for 7 days. She told me the doctors all told her it is my fault she was going to harm herself, that it was only a cry for help to expose my abuse. That the suicide letter she wrote wasn't actually a suicide letter. That she didn't write each of our kids letter either. I have been called fat, ugly, abusive, a terrible father and litany of other vile things (this occurs every month for a week like clockwork). She has tried turning family on me. She has turned her friends against me (I don't care, because I have never even met them). She has tried taking our kids. She has tried getting me arrested. She has done so much, and yet for some reason, I still loved her. I still love her actually, but today I am getting off the rollercoaster. I am no longer going to enable this woman who will not help herself stabilize and get actual help. I am done having to record everything, I am done documenting this person's behavior, I am done analyzing patterns, and worrying about being perfect for someone who 25% percent of the time see's me as a worthless, ugly, fat monster. I am sad, I am heartbroken, I am nervous and I am scared, but I have a bright future and I am ready for it. Today I am sweeping up the egg shells, because I don't have to walk on them anymore.

After 3 years in a relationship and the emotional rollercoasters that came with it, it’s finally over. It ended about a week ago. I have not heard from her. I have not reached out. Thankfully we had no kids.

I’m still sad and have a lot of healing to do, but man… I forgot how peaceful life can feel without constantly walking on eggshells.

This weekend I’m planning a hike, grilling a steak, having an old fashioned, and just enjoying the calm. This community helped me a lot over the years, and I hope this post helps someone else too.

We've been together for 13 years, 3 kids. We've had such a good relationship. Our marriage is the envy of everyone we know, and they're right most of the time.

But this seems to be getting worse, and in these seasons, these weeks... everything changes. I think the worst part is that when she's in this place, any ownership she's taken for ways she's been toxic in this relationship is gone. Situations she acknowledged and owned and apologized for get twisted and weaponized into evidence of whatever wildly rude assumption of me and mischaracterization she's trying to make. I don't know how to cope with this. Even when she gets to a point where she's like okay, I realize I'm in an episode and that's contributing to what's going on... it doesn't change anything. She stays on the attack and she does immense damage, playing back our relationship and shitting on so many things, painting me in such wildly unkind and untrue lights.

If I engage with her and take her at her word, my strength and masculinity is challenged as it's my job to just hold space and be unmoved by her attacks, I'm supposed to just take it. But if I do that, just eat it, not engage, and try to dodge conflict during these moments, that triggers her even more and she'll push and push and attack and attack until I just end up walking away, which is then weaponized as the great evil I've done. There's no escape.

We're both somewhat hypersexual and tend to have sex pretty much every day, but it gets so complicated on these weeks! I can feel her TRYING to get herself to want to, so I try to make space for it to be okay for her to not want to, and she reads that as rejection and gets mad. And GOD FORBID if a few days of this kind of tension and conflict impacts MY libido and I'm not super interested in even just one specific sexual thing she tries to initiate, all hell breaks loose and I hate her and she's so rejected.

For genuinely the first time in our relationship, it's like I can feel the way this relationship could end over this pattern. I have NEVER doubted this relationship, never regretted it, never thought about it ending, but as time goes on and we learn more and grow more, there's just more to feel get set on fire in these seasons, there's more to damage. I don't want it to end and I don't expect it to, but it's super painful to feel that it could, and how.

How do you engage in healthy conflict when you know that any apologies or ownership will be gone within a month? How can there be balance in a relationship when one person's job is to manage and mitigate for the mental place of the other rather than true authenticity and balance? How can we spend almost a quarter of our life together in a place where the other 3/4 of our life is going to be put to the fire?

Idk. Not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just wallowing.

First time poster here. Im sure most of you relate to this and I 26m am just here now, after sending my fiance 32f a text saying" if me asking for mutual respect and space for both of our emotions is in any way selfish to her, then I don't know how we can move forward" she has deflected any further conversation in anger saying she's not going to discuss her emotions right now. Which i can respect because clearly after reading other people's stories and trying to figure out how i can better help her, (outside of telling her to fuck off to the bedroom that is) her normal cycle is her being insecure telling me i should go find someone better and more calm, however every word of affirmation is met with anger while we're going through this time.

My fiances monthly cycle routine is normally about a week of constant berating yelling crying and telling me I'm wrong or that I'm not doing enough. Then we have a week of good, then a week of ovulation where she's the same as her luteal unless I am able to bring myself to be intimate, or I start intimacy while she's sleeping ( this is concentual and she has asked me to do this so there's no shift in her brain to an intimate place. She just wakes up to her brain being there) then the week before reentering luteal is amazing until we hit that wall.

Of course I have My own PTSD stimuli (this is diagnosed) where yelling or berating sets me off and makes it really hard for me to communicate. Which unfortunately comes off onto our children because we have 1 parent who's yelling and the other who can't bring themselves to speak.

Of course I know continued therapy for my PTSD will help my triggers.

We have 1 shared child our 2 year old son and she has 2 children a 5 year old boy and 10 year old daughter

I absolutely adore these children and am deathly afraid of losing my son. I understand the possibility that since I have no rights to the older 2 I could end up not allowed to visit them period.

- my hope is someone here will be able to help shed some light onto how i can support both myself and her during these times, or sometimes is it almost hopeless and maybe i just need to do my own soul searching to decide if this is something i can live with. Unfortunately I am too the point where maybe I just need to leave the relationship.