r/PMDDpartners

Me (25M) and my partner (27F) have been together for 6 years, 4 of which we have lived together. She got diagnosed with PMDD around 18 months ago, and I’m trying my best to understand her condition, educate myself on what she goes through and experiences on a month to month basis. It’s truly awful what so many women have to deal with and I don’t wish it upon anyone.

Lately I’ve been really struggling to deal with my partner when she’s going through her luteal phase. She becomes moody, volatile, irritable and unpleasant to be around. She’ll have at least 1 outburst towards me around day 18-20 of her cycle every month, and although the outburst may at times only be small, when you compound it over multiple months and years, it becomes mentally exhausting. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells when I’m around her during the luteal phase and what would be taken as a light hearted joke or a regular sentence any other day of the month, all of a sudden becomes a big deal that she flips her shit at

Then later when I try to bring up how it affects me, but her argument is always that she’s allowed to have outbursts, or they’re fine because they’re only small, or that I just need to get over it and I can’t let her actions make me spiral every month, or that I can’t blame her for my past traumas (which I don’t, but my past traumas definitely don’t help the case). It always feels like my feelings are being neglected and that I need to man up and get over it

I love my partner a lot, we own a wonderful home, and we’ve created a nice life together. But the 25% of the time when she’s going through her luteal phase makes me question if it’s all really worth it. Like can I put myself through this every month for the foreseeable future? Can I deal with the neglect, walking on egg shells, the outbursts every single month?

I’d love to understand how others deal with their partners when they’re at their lowest, or what they do to manage everything because I’m really struggling. I’m exhausted, and I feel like I’m at my wits end. And I don’t really want to hear “just break up”, that’s not really going to be of much help. Thanks 😊

I dont know if its PMDD ot not im just guessing at it but myself a 45m and my wife a 43f are constantly fighting at least 1 week before and during her period.

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I don't really think I'm doing anything different during this time but it seams every thing I do sets her off and is me being a shit head.

We have a daughter together and during her cycle she actively insults me infant of her and talk about me in negative ways to our daughter. She is sick to attack me and blame it on my behavior

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I dont really want to vent im just trying to give somw context in the hopes there is something that I can do or suggest we do to make this time easier on our daughter and my wife.

Honestly I can take the abuse and name calling if it wasn't seeming affecting my relationship without kid.

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No wrong answers. I just want to help my wife we have been together for 16 years I would rather keep that trend going.

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Please help me.

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There are so many variables to this PMDD thing. Just looking at it from a different perspective can sometimes help. Which factor is most important in your situation? When I started writing this post I just wanted to explain the difference between the three main kinds of estrogen. It kinda got out of hand. There’s a TL;DR at the end. Even that is kinda long.

Some chick once said of a different post: “This reads like a gynecologist that doesn’t fully understand PMDD but read some books and likes big words and over explaining.” I substituted acronyms for some of the big words. If that helps. :)

There are three main kinds of estrogen. Ethinyl Estradiol (EE), Estradiol (E2) and Estetrol (E4). Some small amount of estrogen is used by the body for other purposes, like regulating the immune system, but mostly it’s all about the reproductive cycle. During the reproductive cycle natural estrogen (E2) is produced by the ovaries. Technically the corpus luteum which is a temporary structure in the ovaries that makes hormones during luteal. If you really want to know the corpus luteum is made of the ruptured follicule that released the egg. We can go as far into the weeds as you want, just ask.

Anyway, E2 is produced by the ovaries during luteal and released into the bloodstream quickly reaching the uterus which responds to increased E2 levels by growing and thickening it’s inner lining. The E2 is made by the corpus luteum which used to be the follicule which released the egg. The egg is on it’s way!!! The uterus responds by making a lining for the egg to implant in should it need to.

Ethinyl Estradiol (EE) is a synthetic estrogen that is in every COC since the beginning of COCs, save Nextstellis. That is why it was created – to be in COCs. When you take an oral contraceptive the first thing it does is run through the digestive system. That includes the liver. The liver is adept at getting rid of estrogen because in the normal course of things the body is done with the estrogen by the time it gets to the liver. So the liver will destroy any E2 it sees. Consequently you can’t put E2 in an oral contraceptive and expect it to ever reach the bloodstream. For contraceptive purposes that is where you need it, in the bloodstream, because you want the hypothalamus to see it and think there is plenty so no more is needed and …. tra-la-la.

So EE was specifically designed to be difficult for the liver to eliminate while also looking enough like E2 to fool the hypothalamus. Fun fact: The liver has a secondary means to eliminate molecules it cannot break down and that is to encase them in sugar. The sugar encased molecule is then inert and passed to the intestines to be eliminated as waste. There the bacteria in the intestines eat the sugar releasing the EE which then goes back into the bloodstream. This is why the EE can last up to 36 hours in the body and why daily pills can be taken daily. It is also why COCs can fail if you are sick and take an antibiotic. The antibiotic kills the bacteria so the bacteria don’t eat the sugar and release the EE back into the blood so the blood clears of EE in about 2 hours leading to possible ovulation and/or a resurgence of PMDD symptoms.

EE has an unfortunate side effect in that it encourages the liver to over-produce clotting factors which leads to an increase risk of blood clots. What happens is this: When she takes the pill it dissolves in the stomach and heads to the liver. The liver is inundated with estrogen, up to 100x what it normally sees. Ordinarily the liver would just destroy all that estrogen and be done. But because it can’t breakdown the synthetic EE, and because of the recycling system outlined above, the concentration remains high.

The only time a liver naturally experiences a prolonged high concentration of estrogen is when birth is imminent, so the liver prepares for birth. The liver over-produces clotting factors because it is preparing for a possible post-partum hemorrhage. And if she takes a COC continuously the liver will over-produce clotting factors 24/7/52.

Most COCs also contain a progestin, like levonorgestrel, with high androgenic properties. These progestins bind to the androgen receptors in the liver which tells the liver not to make more clotting factors. So the liver does not create clotting factor after all So a COC with levonorgestrel paired with ethinyl estradiol doesn’t increase the risk of blood clots. Phew! That was a long way to go for nothing.

Levonorgestrel (LNG) is a synthetic progesterone derived from testosterone. Yes, the same testosterone that gets blamed for aggressive behavior in men. 19-nortestosterone to be exact. That is where it gets it’s androgenic (mannish) properties from. They literally take a testosterone molecule, do some science, and end up with LNG.

And LNG is 50-100 times more potent than natural progesterone. That, in fact, was the point. LNG was designed to be far more potent that natural progesterone so you could fit enough in a pill to be effective. And the effect is ridiculous.

LNG also has a binding affinity that is roughly 323% higher than natural progesterone. About 323%. Maybe more, maybe less. And that binding affinity leads to a roughly 6,000 – 24,000% increase in residence time. Natural progesterone might attach to progesterone receptors in the hypothalamus for a few minutes at a time. LNG attaches and stays for 3-12 hours. That means the receptor is active, doing receptor stuff, all frickin day.

It’s almost exactly like the face huggers in Alien. The LNG gloms on to the progesterone receptor and will not let go. And it’s a frickin testosterone molecule so it’s really irritating. For a woman with PMDD this is exactly what you don’t want. She’s already irritable from the disorder and now the COC that is supposed to help regulate her cycle makes it worse.

LNG was/is the worst, or the best, depending on your perspective. Effective as contraceptives but all first, second, and third generation progestins have more or less the same issues. They are all derived from 19-nortestosterone and have more or less androgenic effects depending on the specific formulation. Which means side effects like irritability, weight gain, acne and facial hair. Moreover science found that the more they tweaked the base testosterone to get rid of unwanted side effects, the less androgenic the formulation became, and the more people started having blood clots.

So that’s not good. Science recognized the problem and worked to create a better progestin. The goal was to create a synthetic that behaved exactly like natural progesterone and drosperinone (DRSP) was the result. DRSP is derived from spironolactone, not testosterone, which means it not only doesn’t have androgenic properties, it actually has anti-androgenic properties. Instead of side effects like irritability, weight gain, acne and facial hair it has the side effects of not those things. Is a kinder gentler progestin that increases her calm. As a bonus spironolactone is a diuretic so DRSP also reduces bloating.

And that is why Yaz is the top recommended COC for PMDD. Yaz, Yasmin, and their generic equivalents contain DRSP as their progestin. Yaz is the only COC approved by the FDA for treating PMDD and is specifically called out by name in the RCOG treatment guidance.

But Yaz still pairs DRSP with EE and EE causes the liver to create clotting factor unless an androgenic progestin is there to prevent it. DRSP is anti-androgenic. So Yaz increases the risk of blood clots. And even though that is because of the EE it’s the DRSP that gets the blame. Other COCs don’t cause blood clots and the difference is the progestin – so it must be because of the progestin. So the reasoning goes.

Statistically turning 35 doubles your chances of having a blood clot so many doctors will discontinue Yaz at age 35. But for a healthy (18.5 ≤ BMI ≤ 24.9 ) woman who doesn’t smoke the risk doubles from 1/1000 to 2/1000. Still considered “uncommon” by WHO standards. And compare that to the 100% certainty of PMDD symptoms returning.

Still she may need to / be forced to go off Yaz, or any COC, for some reason. Often COCs are discontinued if she experiences migraines with aura because the EE can interact with the Cortical Spreading Depression (thing that causes the aura) to cause a stroke. So whatever the reason she may have to stop her COC.

To still prevent ovulation the only options are now Progestin Only Pills (POPs) and the only options there are levonorgestrel or norethindrone which are both based on testosterone and highly androgenic which is why POPs are not recommended for treating PMDD in the first place. That and they do not reliably stop ovulation anyway.

Except for Slynd. Slynd is DRSP. Remember PMDD is an abnormal reaction to normal hormonal changes. The point of all this is to prevent ovulation and introduce a steady state so the changes don’t happen. Slynd can do that with just 33% more DRSP than Yaz and no EE. But now (it’s always something) there is no estrogen at all in the system, synthetic or natural, and estrogen is important. Profound hypoestrogenism (systemically near zero estrogen) causes symptoms like hot flashes, severe night sweats, deep depressive slumps, and a rapid drop in bone mineral density. So we need some.

Enter the patch.

A transdermal patch can introduce a steady flow of estrogen to stabilize and regulate the system while not causing increased risk of blood clots or stroke. It can do this because it’s not EE, it’s E2 – bioidentical estradiol made from yams. Recall science could not put E2 in a COC because the liver would just destroy the E2 on the first pass before it ever reached the blood stream. But the patch delivers it directly to the blood stream. HaHAAA!! Why didn’t science just do that in the first place? Good question.

In 1965 transdermal technology didn’t exist. That and the focus wasn’t on women’s health, it was on preventing pregnancy and making preventing pregnancy as easy as possible. The point was profit and population control. After WWII “modern” medicine resulted in a sharp decrease in infant mortality. The baby boom wasn’t just soldiers returning home. It was also due to more babies surviving. Fear of overpopulation combined with the nacent women’s liberation movement to make easy contraception a popular idea. The Pill was the answer. Once a day, no worries.

There was a huge disaster in 2002-2005. Ortho-McNeil Pharmaceuticals did develop and market a transdermal patch called “Ortho Evra”. Unfortunately a lot of the information in this post was still unknown in 2002, specifically the side effects of EE. Even though they knew as early as 1961 that EE caused an increase in clotting risk they didn’t fully appreciate how bad it was because EE was always paired with a highly androgenic progestin. The Ortho Evra disaster is part of how they found that out.

Ortho Evra used a third generation progestin (norelgestromin) combined with EE to create a combined patch. You thought once daily was convenient! Ortho Evra was heavily marketed as a once a week thing with celebrity endorsements, fashion show sponsorships, magazine ads, and the whole nine yards. It was the sexy new modern birth control for the liberated woman of the next century. Then it started killing people.

EE is a big molecule. At the time transdermal technology was poorly understood. To force that big molecule through the skin the team packed in 5x as much EE as they needed, to create a pressure gradient. But apparently they didn’t do enough testing and the patch worked too well. The Ortho Evra patch delivers 60% more EE than oral contraceptives and does it all day. The liver gets way more EE and can never clear it so it’s creating clotting factor like mad.

Meanwhile norelgestromin is a third generation progestin developed to have fewer androgenic effects. That means it is less effective at countering the EE. More EE with less restrictions means more and more and more clotting factor which can cause deep vein thrombosis, heart attack, pulmonary embolism, and ischemic stroke. Not necessarily fatal but still awful and yes, people started to die. Young, healthy, hip, liberated women. Johnson and Johnson, Ortho-McNeil’s parent company, faced over 2400 lawsuits and it is estimated nearly 200 people lost their lives. Some few heart wrenching cases made national news. Ortho Evra was quietly pulled from the market in 2005.

The medical establishment has a long institutional memory and is understandably afraid of transdermal patches for treating women’s health issues. Today’s transdermals use E2 instead of EE but unless you can find a doctor who knows all these details, or who will believe you, it’ll be an uphill climb to get a patch added to your Slynd prescription. If only there were an all-in-one solution. How did we used to do it? Just one pill, no complications, that would be better.

Enter Nextstellis.

The only time a liver would naturally experience highly elevated estrogen levels is if a birth is imminent. By the eighth month E2 is at levels up to 100x normal and the liver responds by increasing clotting factor. But for Baby that can be a disaster. At that point baby is still getting oxygen and nutrients from mother across the placental barrier and that includes the high levels of E2. So baby’s liver protects itself by creating it’s own version of estrogen, estetrol (E4), and uses it to fill all the receptors in its liver so the E2 from mom can’t find purchase. Let that sink in. Baby’s liver creates it’s own estrogen (E4) to protect itself from mom’s estrogen (E2). And it does it by adding two additional hydroxyl groups to moms E2. Hence the names. Baby’s liver uses Mom’s E2 to create E4 to protect itself from too much E2.

Or at least that’s the current working theory. Officially science doesn’t know. But they do know that fetal estrogen cannot be broken down by adult livers. So making bioidentical E4 is a new way to get estrogen into the system via an oral contraceptive. Science can now make bioidentical E4 from soy proteins. Actually science has been able to do that since 1965 but only recently figured out a cost effective way to do it at scale. And they pair that with DRSP in a new COC called Nextstellis. Recall that DRSP is a synthetic progestin designed to behave exactly like natural progesterone. So the combination DRSP+E4 is as close to what the body does naturally as you can get, but in a pill.

TL;DR:

Ethinyl Estradiol (EE) is a synthetic estrogen designed to be difficult for the liver to destroy so that it could be put in a pill. This results in the liver being overwhelmed and it responds by increasing the production of clotting factors.

First, second, and third generation synthetic progestins are all based on testosterone. First and second generation have high androgenic properties. This results in unwanted side effects but also reduces the liver’s enthusiasm for producing clotting factors. Hence Combined Oral Contraceptives (COCs) don’t generally cause blood clots.

Some third generation progestins are tweaked to reduce the androgenic properties and some newer fourth generation progestins actually have anti-androgenic properties. When used in a combined pill, these progestins do not reign in the clotting factor production so there is higher risk.

Turning 35 doubles the risk of blood clots and many doctors will discontinue COCs at that point.

There are two Progesterone Only Pills (Slynd/drosperinone and Cerazette/desogestrel) that can effectively stop ovulation w/o estrogen. Desogestrel is another testosterone derivative so not ideal for women with PMDD. So Slynd can shut down ovulation. But then there is zero estrogen in the system.

Transdermal patches can put estrogen back in the system without increasing the risk of blood clots (or stroke) because they use bioidentical estradiol not synthetic ethinyl estradiol. Same thing for HRT. It’s just better estrogen.

For the first time in 80 years there is a new estrogen available. Estetrol (E4) is a bioidentical estrogen derived from soy that cannot be destroyed by the liver. Nextstellis pairs this with drosperinone (DRSP) in a new(ish) COC that has fewer side effects and is about as natural as you can get.

Hope that helps.

How do you process an escalation to the abusive behavior? I’ve (29M) been dealing with my girlfriend’s (35F) mood swings for years, coupled with her cptsd, but for the first time yesterday it got physical. Granted she told me days before that it was the anniversary of her sexual asssult by her ex boyfriend, so she needed me to be extra sensitive. I tried to, but in the middle of watching a World Cup game, she asked me to make her a sandwich, which I said I will, but she wanted me to make it right then and there, to which I said I will make it when I’m ready to as I’m quite exhausted from the day, and that I’m not a machine. I believe that’s what triggered her, and she completely switched, her voice became louder and she went into meltdown. The switch happens so abruptly it’s like you’re just so confused as to what is happening. I didn’t have it in me to once again do damage control while she’s screaming that i made her cry again. I told her nothing justifies raising her voice, and it escalated as an argument, which she then threatened me and I stood firm, and she then punched me in the face a couple of times, and I had to hold her and restrain her by almost choking her out. What’s worse is that I was naked at the time, so she started screaming that I’m trying to r*pe her. It is the most confusing moment of my life. It broke my heart. After the ordeal and her realizing what she did, she just kept screaming that she needs to be punished, that I must punish her, and out of everything that happened, that’s what really broke me. No one should be begging to be punished. What happened in her life for her to believe she deserves that. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong for not just walking away once she began to melt down, but I just am in shock. Is this abuse or just a meltdown that got physical , where do I go from here?

Hey PMDD Partners,

After a disagreement with a mod on whether posts here describe abusive behavior as a characteristic of PMDD, I did an analysis of the content of posts and comments written by the members of this sub. The goal was to look user content here to see if a specific, central statement holds true: Do the majority of us experience a partner who is genuinely kind and loving outside of a PMDD window, but becomes emotionally or verbally abusive during an event?

Looking strictly at the unfiltered text written by members, the data shows that this statement is overwhelmingly accurate. It is the defining feature of the stories shared here. I used an AI to compile the data and apply a Grounded Theory analysis of the content grouping characteristic sentiments described by our public posts. It is a method that I currently use in other research analysing sentiment in the training of medical students. Although I used AI for the data crunching, the design and presentation are mine. 

Here is a breakdown of the major patterns and themes that emerge directly from our collective posts:

1. References to the partner being kind and loving outside of PMDD events

Almost every major vent or advice post begins with the context: the poster establishing just how wonderful their partner is when they are healthy. Members routinely describe their partners during these times as:

• Supportive, empathetic, and affectionate.
• "My best friend" and the person they actively chose to build a life with.
• Deeply apologetic or filled with guilt once the event passes, though many also say they do not reference it as if it never happened, but are especially nice.

This baseline of love appears to be why people stay and hope for improvement, rather than just walking away.

2. The contrast during PMDD events

When a PMDD event hits, this changes dramatically. Across hundreds of analyzed threads, members describe behaviors that fall under emotional and verbal abuse, regardless of the medical trigger behind them. The most common experiences described by posters include:

• Accusations of cheating, plotting, or never loving you.
• Distortion of past events and the rewriting of relationship history.
• Relentless criticism and shifting goalposts during arguments.
• Threats of divorce or breaking up over minor triggers.
• Explosive, localized anger—maintaining a perfectly normal, polite exterior with coworkers or friends while unleashing the full weight of the rage behind closed doors.
• Demanding emotional composure from you while unleashing unfiltered rage.
• Punishing minor slip-ups severely while expecting their own major outbursts during an event to be completely overlooked.

I'd like to note that while several of these individual behaviors can occur in typical, non-abusive relationships, when they become sustained over hours and days, and periodically recur over months and years, they cross the line into what is described as abuse.

3. Member-to-Member Validation

When looking at how we comment on each other's posts, there is a very distinct pattern. When a member shares a story sustained screaming or manipulation, the community's response is almost entirely uniform:

• Consistently validating each other by explicitly using the words "verbal abuse" and "emotional abuse."
• Avoiding minimization of the behavior in collective advice threads.
• Reminding each other that while PMDD explains why the behavior is happening, it does not excuse the severe toll it takes on the partner's mental health.

Let's Discuss

I want to open this up to the sub to see where we stand on this analysis:

1. Does this description of PMDD dynamics mirror your personal experience in your relationship?
2. Do you feel that the "official" definitions (like the DSM-5 as characterized in the wiki) and official characterizations we often see are out of sync with the severe, abusive realities we describe experiencing?
3. How would you respond to claims that abusive behavior should not be described as a characteristic of PMDD?

I personally see a disconnect between the reality of our described experience and the narrative that is being presented to us by some of the mods. I'd love to get your thoughts in the comments.

Basically just trying to understand what might be going on but feel I need someone who suffers with PMDDs advice

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We've been broken up for just under 8 months after a 5+ year relationship. The breakup happened during a period where we were both struggling individually.

Since the breakup she's consistently said things like she needed to work on herself alone, wasn't ready, and that she couldn't put a timeline on anything. She has generally kept contact to a minimum not reaching out at all apart from wishing me a happy birthday.

Around 2 months ago we had our most significant conversation since the breakup. We both agreed we'd tried very hard in the relationship, that there was still a lot of love, and that the relationship as it was had become unhealthy because we were both struggling individually. She said the love never died, that she missed me as a person, apologised for aspects of how the breakup happened, and said it could have been handled differently. When I said I thought things could be different if we ever started again from scratch rather than continuing the old relationship, she said she was glad I'd worked on myself but that she still needed to take time for herself, that it wasn't going to happen anytime soon, and that she needed to go on that journey alone.

Two weeks ago I messaged asking if she'd like to go for a walk and just catch up. She replied that she was busy over the next couple of weeks but would be happy to catch up on the phone instead.

As the conversation continued, she then said she didn't really have much to say and didn't think we were in a place where we could be friends. I replied saying that I didn't think either of us genuinely wanted to be "just friends" after everything we'd been through and suggested we leave the call.

She then said she'd appreciate it if I didn't tell her how she felt or what she wanted, and agreed it was probably best to leave it.

I then sent a message explaining that I was frustrated with the fact that the breakup wasn't mutual, that I didn't understand why things felt so distant between us when there had been no betrayal or abuse, and that I found it difficult to understand how we had gone from planning a future together to barely speaking.

Rather than responding to those points, she said that her luteal phase was particularly bad, and that she would come back to me once she was feeling better.

Twelve days later, without any further messages from me, she initiated contact herself asking when I was free this week for a call. We arranged to speak later this week with her clarifying a couple of days later that she’ll call.

I’m just not sure what to make of it really. She thinks she’s fearful avoidant but never really saw any signs in the 5 years. A few people told me that throughout the break up I’ve been too understanding of how she might be feeling and not expressed my own frustrations which could’ve allowed her to just take more time and not feel any pressure to deal with the situation? I’m not sure, I’m just confused

Hi everyone, within the last year I’ve officially been diagnosed with PCOS and started suffering from what I now know is PMDD late last year.

For context I’m 22 years old and the PMDD only started last year and has been debilitating. Because of the PCOS my periods are irregular so around the time I’m supposed to get it the PMDD kicks in until it finally comes.

For me my anxiety wakes me up at 5:45am pretty much every day just instant shaking and panic. It’s so bad it’s caused a cycle of vomiting and then throughout the day I struggle to eat anything.

Most of the time I have uncontrollable sobbing and terrible thoughts and restlessness. I’ll pace the house constantly.

I also just recently moved to Houston from Long Island and have been receiving better medical care. They just started me on Sprintec and even though I’ve had bad experiences with the GLP1 in the past I’ve decided to give zepbound a try because I’m desperate.

I’ve been relying on Xanax during these times (only .25 twice a day) to just not constantly be in a state of insane panic. I also take Effexor 75mg which helps greatly when I don’t have PMDD.

Does anyone have any advice or can just share their experiences to help me feel better.

TIA

It's one of those days again when it feels like everything is on the brink of falling apart. Breaking up. Cutting each other off. Well, her cutting me off. Me being trapped in the turmoil of her emotions.

Yesterday was a nightmare. "Everything was a mistake."

I kept trying to stay calm. After all, it was just text. But during our calls (we're in an LDR), I can't control my voice, and she gets irritated because I have emotions too. Because I become sad in response to her words. To her claims that it's the end of the world. That it's over.

Apologizing only enrages her. Yeah, I've recently come across posts here saying "don't apologize," but... how am I supposed to behave? I feel like ignoring her for an hour is only going to make her fall deeper into the rabbit hole she's already in.

Am I strong enough? Have I become dependent on her emotions? I feel like I'm constantly on edge, counting the days, postponing serious conversations because these aren't the days to make important decisions. And it's difficult to accept that, in those moments, it's her PMDD talking. But I can't help taking everything she says into consideration.

I end up feeling like a LEGO set falling off a counter, shattering into pieces the moment I feel her switch.

If she would say:

"sorry that luteal sucked! Thank you for bearing with me"

Just once, once acknowledging the difficulty we are burdened with when dealing with this.

What do you wish she would say?

I’m 23 and got diagnosed at 16. It’s just such an awful condition. I started my new job and am in the verge of quitting despite it being a good job, good coworkers, good boss, and a good schedule. And I know once my period hits this week, I’ll completely snap out of it and wonder what the hell I was thinking. It completely alters how I think/process things and react to things. It disrupts my sleep, gives me anxiety, and ruins my life for a week straight every month. I’m on sertraline, but it seems completely ineffective once the week before my period rolls around. I’m just exhausted and know I’m not thinking straight at all right now.

I(f) finally broke up with my girlfriend of two years. In a sub that’s understandably filled with a lot of bitterness from hurt people, I wanted to post what I wish I’d known.

As someone who’s experienced a healthy PMDD relationship shift to a toxic and abusive one, I think I can offer a different perspective.

When we first started going out she was taking steps to find solutions. Her luteal phase consisted primarily of irritable outbursts, hyper sensitivity and arguments that were resolved when she came down from her episode. We would heal and repair together in the aftermath. She would apologise, address the things she said, and provide reassurance that she loved me and didn’t mean it. I learned to be less reactive and understand how best to help her when she struggled. We would work through it together, and gave each other the love and compassion we needed to heal.

I supported her unconditionally because it was us against the PMDD, instead of her vs me.

Things changed about a year ago. She stopped working on solutions and her PMDD got infinitely worse. She became cruel, manipulative, vicious and emotionally abusive during her episodes. I became a cartoonishly exaggerated villain trying to bring her down every month. This caricature of me was used to justify her vitriol and mocking cruelty. If I brought up my hurt after the fact, I was trying to make her feel guilty for a medical condition. Any attempt at addressing her behaviour led to her flying off the handle because “how could I blame her if she can’t control it” and “why should she apologise when it’s not her fault”. My unconditional understanding and patience despite the hurt was taken for granted. Her expletive filled attacks on me, my family, my life and insecurities could never be spoken about after the fact. Any stress, grief or pain (god forbid a bad period) was compared to her PMDD and immediately dismissed. How dare I complain or ask for reassurance when she had to go through so much. A family loss coincided with a PMDD episode and I was belittled and mocked for my grief. My feelings as a whole became insignificant and irrelevant. There was no recovery, acknowledgment or repair after each luteal phase.

I want to make it clear that I understand how much women suffer with this horrible disease. They truly can’t control it most of the time and I can’t even fathom the mental agony they have to endure. Understanding and empathy are absolutely essential to be in a successful relationship with someone who has PMDD. It is a real and horrible condition.

At the same time, for a relationship to work the person with PMDD has to put in the work. They have to acknowledge that while they are the ones directly experiencing the symptoms, we also bear the brunt of it. Our hurt, frustration, and sadness has to be addressed after the fact. We need comfort and reassurance to heal. They have to understand and actually care about the damage they cause you, whether they were in control or not. So much of our time is spent suppressing our knee jerk reactions and feelings in order to support the woman we love, but that doesn’t means they are any less important or valid.

Honestly I do think a relationship with someone who has PMDD can be successful , but only if they’re willing to put in the work. If they don’t care about its impact on you, if they don’t take steps to manage it, and if they don’t try and repair the damage, run. It can and will destroy your sense of self, your sanity and your relationships. Regardless of the very real disease behind it, abuse is abuse, and the toll it takes doesn’t go away just because you know why it’s happening.

Please don’t listen to the (understandably) hurt people on here telling you that all relationships with PMDD are doomed to fail at your expense. But please make sure that the factors your partner can control to make it easier on you (and themselves) are being addressed, because the anguish of loving someone who hurts you without care will wreck you.

This topic has been banned from one of the PMDD subreddits, and I think that’s irresponsible of them.

It’s becoming increasingly clear that a subset of women with PMDD see improvement by addressing their mast cells and histamine levels. There are many posts on this topic and more and more doctors who are familiar with MCAS.

In my case, after years of adjusting my lifestyle and diet to achieve only very mild improvements, the treatment for my MCAS had the side effect of making my PMDD disappear.

I’m not saying it’s a cure for everyone; I’m just saying that a percentage of those affected may benefit from it. Maybe you and your partner need to read this.

I hope it helps someone.

My girlfriend says I overwhelm her and that I'm too dramatic because I bring up toxic issues that I need to see changed on her end. But she does usually respond with, "Okay, you're right, I want to do better and will do better for you, for us" but little actually changes and she ends up repeating the same behaviors.

Interestingly the one time during the month she doesn't do this stuff, is when she's horned up during her period (and sometimes during ovulation), and wants seggs daily for about a week. Then I suddenly become "the love of her life," she talks about wanting "kids with me someday," and "lets get a place together "etc.

Anyways, the only solution I see is somehow make sure she's always on her period. J/k

Dyr7ng her luteal phase shes not a monster, but she does become withdrawn, like absolutely no sex, and if i touch her at tge wrong time shes annoyed. She will become manipulative though. And basically she just wants me to be around her, but closeness isnt really there. If I bring up my needs or try to make plans to do something she will make up excuses to not follow through. She becomes "to busy with work" starts wanting time apart etc

I broke up with her because I got ill from the stress and outbursts but I ended up regretting it because I miss her so much and I never lost feelings, today she made a new insta account ti text me and tell me she misses me and hopes im ok, im so scared and it feels like the day I broke up with her all over again becsuse if I text her I absolutely will go crawling back ti her and begging her to take me back, and if I block her its gonna hurt as much as it did the first time and that horrible feeling of ill never see her again will be fresh again, I dont know what to do im so scared I want my sweetheart back but Im certain she hasn't changed or gotten help and I certainly haven't either

It has been one year since I ended a 4 year relationship with my ex who had PMDD. I didn’t realize how bad her mental health issues were impacting my life and health until she left.

During our relationship I gained close to 80 pounds and developed heart palpitations that felt more like mini heart attacks. Since the breakup, I’m down about 45 pounds now and haven’t had a single heart palpitation since 7/2025.

I follow this thread and see a lot of guys worried about whether or not ending their relationship is a good choice - if your situation is anything like what I’m describing below, you need to leave before it ruins your life.

My ex was aware she had PMDD, but justified her behavior by saying she “feels things differently”. She would only go to a doctor or therapist after realizing how horribly she had been treating me, and then would quit after one or two appointments.

I spent those 4 years afraid of her, not in love. She took every opportunity to beat me down and make me feel worthless. Everything I did invoked some sort of strong emotional reaction, and it got to the point where I didn’t tell her anything anymore and stayed away from the house as much as possible.

One Saturday towards the end of our relationship she calls me crying and angry because my Labrador Retriever wanted to keep playing catch with her instead of going inside (my dog is the sweetest creature on the planet). It was at that point I realized this will never end, and I’m not raising kids with (or marrying) a woman this horrible.

I very was afraid to breakup with her because I didn’t know how bad she’d try and punish me. It wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be, and I only got sad about it once. I could go on for days explaining all of the awful things about being with someone like that, but I’m sure you all get the point.

There are some really awesome women out there who will actually make your life better, not worse.