u/koolaidnothere

I broke up with her a month ago, it was long distance and lasted 1.5 years and got so toxic, she had pmdd and got very mean to me, and im so sensitive and I tried my best for her but I got so anxious all the time and we broke up and every day since then has been horror, I cant rest i cant sleep i miss her so much, I blocked her everywhere because I just wanted to go no contact, she was miserable with me so I thought I was doing us both a favour but im suffering so much without her, she was my dream girl and my soulmate and I loved everything about her, she was so comforting and had such a way with words that ill never forget, but every week there would be some kind of event or crash out, i couldnt take the outbursts and constant mood swings, im so bad with instability like that and I just get so scared and it lasted for so long I feel like my body couldnt do it anymore, but I miss her so much and I just want to unblock her and pray she texts me because im way too scared to text her myself :c sorry if im all over the place im so anxious tonight

I'll try to be as clear as I can, it's another sleepless night and I'm so anxious being apart from her. last month I ended my 1.5 year relationship with K, almost every week there would be a crash out, she was very hot and cold, and I couldn't handle it, I'm autistic and very sensitive so I'd completely crumble when she would go cold on me, it was terrifying because she would seem like a completely different person

it was very toxic for over a year and I actually broke up with her before in june last year, but I came crawling back in just 5 days and we got back together, it's been a month now without her and ima be real, I get no peace, every night is the same with millions of what ifs "what if I didnt take her mood swings personally, what if I stayed just a little longer" I feel like i could have supported her better, I could have given her more space, we are both very clingy but I could have learned to stay calm when she had mood shifts, I could have done so much better

I truly believe she is my soulmate, not was, is, I'm terrified of the idea of years later meeting someone new, and just being utterly disappointed, this girl had everything I love in someone, literally everything, but she had severe pmdd and the inconsistency killed me, it's just something someone like me can't take. it's not fair, she was affectionate, clingy, accepting of my quirks, and so so comforting, she was perfect and still is despite her condition, I just wasn't strong enough to keep going, im terrified ill be alone forever because ill never ever top this relationship

I just dont know how to feel, on one hand the way she treated me was completely unacceptable and straight up poison, my nervous system couldn't handle the emotional rollercoaster and I ended up getting very physically ill, I feel like it had to be done or it would only get worse, I lost all mental stamina and our last months together felt like a countdown to the end, I tried so so so hard to do my best for her, and she tried her best too, she would always apologise and communicate everything with me, and we would always cuddle it out after bad mood swings, I gave her all I had, but it wasnt enough, and I miss her so much and I just want to cry and never leave my bed

im having a really hard night, the missing is so intense, and im wondering is there like any online support group or judt anyone I can talk to to calm my nerves? I miss her so much and im so tempted to talk to her, but I think im too scared to anyway I just miss her and its eating me up and I really need someone right noa

sorry if this is all over the place I just looked at pics of her and I regret everything all the memories are being too much tonight I need her back but im too scared to text her because she ll probably hate me or have moved on, and i try to look at the screenshots i saved of texts of her being mean to me, its not working and all I can think of is how amazing she was, for context I was with her for 1.5 years and it was like very hot and cold, most of the times she was very sweet, sometimes she d call me names or say she'd leave me and say i wasn't good enough and I guess I couldn't take it anymore and I left her and I regret it so fucking much tonight because I cannot get her out of my head I feel so cooked im so sorry for yapping so much pleaseee dont be mean im sorry I miss her so much