u/Odd-Vermicelli1231

I’m not even sure how to start this post.

I don’t really believe in the whole meant to be thing, that the future doesn’t exist is created as we go on.

But apart of me feels what I belive isn’t the truth, like I’m controlled every last move of mine and that the future is decided and things are “meant to be” and if so, I’m meant to be miserable.

I feel like I can’t belive in spirituality, witchcraft, manifestation etc because it’s “not meant for me” even though I’ve been drawn to it for as long as I can remember.

I feel like I can’t believe in a future between me and my partner because they have never been “meant for me”

I feel like none of the careers I want I can’t do any because of them no matter the fact that I’ve wanted to do them since I was a kid, because “none of them are meant for me”

I feel I can’t pursue anything without feeling like “oh this isn’t meant for me”

Anything I dream of, I feel like I’m being held back, like I’m being controlled, told what to do and my fate is already decided. But it confuses me that the fact that our beliefs create our reality so could this be a product of that or am I doomed?

Hi I have posted on this subreddit before and I know there is a rule about not encouraging reassurance etc but I wanted to post this and see if there is anyone else who has dealt with this.

So for a little back story I am diagnosed with OCD and have one of my main subtypes being ROCD. Despite being with a very loving and healthy partner, my OCD will get the best of me constantly

My partner and I have had both unfortunate pasts when it comes to partners, loyalty being the biggest one. We’ve talked about how our dealbreakers is if the other cheats, which despite both of us making it clear that we won’t, I’ve still had trouble organizing my thoughts about it

I have not cheated before in my life and yet my brain is convincing me I am going to cheat on my partner and that I already did even if it was merely a dream I had or thoughts telling me I’m going to or even somehow convinces me that a situation far from cheating is somehow cheating.

Another problem is say is before my partner and I told everyone we were a thing and whatnot (we had kept it hidden for a few months due to current situations), I had a situation happen with two of my best friends. (At this time my partner and I weren’t dating but still choosing each other and figuring things out) They can be extremely touchy and affectionate and around that time they had no idea about my partner and I. There was a situation I got caught in where one bsf was pulling my hair and pushing themselves into me. We all wrestle and play fight quite frequently but this time had different intentions from their end. I felt uncomfortable and guilty and even though I stopped it and made it clear I didn’t want that sort of touch, I still feel like I cheated due to that fact that when it happened,
I had what it is commonly known as a groinal response, in which I’ve had in situations I did not true what to have them, and my brain was also giving me thoughts I thought were really me but grossed me out and made me feel guilty. My partner and I weren’t officially dating at this point but I still feel gross and like I cheated and was disloyal. I’ve made it clear the boundaries t my bsf who does now respect them it just feels like a spiral that I’m unsure what to do about because I keep feeling like I’m lying to myself and that I actually did like it and was disloyal

If anyone has any advice or has been through this sort of thing before, I’d appreciate help greatly :)

Does anyone else with BPD struggle with feelings with their partner? I know I love him and have feelings for him but when he’s not around I feel fine and don’t feel as lovey dovey as I do when i am with him. Although there are times were when I’m not around him a small increment of love and those feelings for him if that makes sense? I even feel horrible when he’s not around and I get annoyed and don’t know why?

I know this happens a lot with even close friends and family members too when they aren’t around I don’t “love them” or want to be around them but when I am I have a lot of feelings and such. I do wonder sometimes this is a defensive mechanism due to my past as well?

Social media is so toxic and I know feelings themselves come and go and love is a choice but I do wonder if anyone else struggles with this?

I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried prayer I’ve tried manifesting I’ve tried everything. I am just convinced I am meant for heartbreak and loneliness. I am the runt of the universes creations.

I am convinced manifesting is only meant for certain people and there are genuine favorites in this damn universe and I am not one of them. I’ve had to watch everyone that’s done me wrong get their happy endings but me? I still keep getting hurt. I start to think manifesting only works for people bc that’s what was already meant to happen…

My current relationship is the best one I’ve ever had yet it’s wrong? Something feels wrong? He’s wrong? Why can’t I just manifest it to be ok? To be right? But no the universe has taken everything from me and will continue to do so. I just wish I could manifest and have the things I desire and it not be a test. It just doesn’t make sense that I manifested him and I together yet it feels wrong yet he genuinely has treated me better than anyone else ever has. He’s so consistent and attentive and listens to me..but something tells me it’s wrong and I want it to be fear not “intuition”

I’m so angry at the universe right now I just want to be happy for once and have the relationship I want for one to not be taken away.

As someone who’s dealt with ocd unaware of it most of their life as well as a recent diagnosis pertaining to ROCD, does anyone else get annoyed or go into a spiral about social medias stigmas centering around relationships?

Such as things like:

“If there the one you’ll know”
“If you know you know”
“You’ll feel calm with the one for you if not they aren’t the one for you etc”
And just overall negative and honestly some toxic stigmas surrounding relationships.

First, In the past I believed someone was the one and was proven wrong. And my current partner has had the same thing happen as well. Due to my brain it’s hard for me to stay in one mindset of things, and have had to learn relationships have their ebbs and flows.

Secondly, I hate the idea personally that there is “one perfect person” out there for us or that’s “made for you” it has caused me a lot of aniexty when I have the person opinion that there’s no really such thing as the one relationships are about choosing each other and choosing to stick together through thick and thin. I don’t have the tentative feeling that my partner is the “one” due to the aniexty it causes me but I care and love him and chose to be with him.

And finally, I hate how people center things around the whole nervous system idea. As someone who’s been studying to become a psychologist, people have seriously stretched the true meaning of the nervous system and how it works with our brains. I’ve had a unfortunate past when it has come to relationships so my current partner who is so healthy, constistent and is just overall a big softy sweetheart, I still find myself in a state of fight or flight as well as having loud fears and doubts. My brain is so used to chaos and whatnot so I feel bored and just “odd” and I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop because that is what I’m used to. In honesty yes your body will tell you if someone isn’t right for you but when your used to chaos and haven’t exactly healed or have approached those triggers, something safe will always trigger you as well.

There’s more I could get into about the social media stigmas around relationships that I genuinely think that those of us who struggle with rocd shouldn’t generally apply to ourselves since our brains tend to get into that repetitive anxiety quite easily. Does anyone else have an opinion on this topic?

i recently got diagnosed with ROCD after struggling with symptoms for quite awhile. for a bit of context, I have had a rough past with relationships and whatnot. recently I found myself catching feelings and starting a relationship for a new person after not dating or exploring anything for a year, and I’m caught in a rut.

for further context I’ve had my last relationships id be with them and think they were “the one” and it’ll “last forever” etc all that cliche. but this new relationship he’s done everything and more right. he’s treated me so much better than I’ve ever been in the past. he’s healthy, he communicates, he doesn’t make me beg for the bare minimum and he’s so respectful of me and my boundaries. that doesn’t even cover the good he’s done and how he is.

the problem is, eveytime I’m with him my body is like no this isn’t right oh he isn’t the one. Ive had moments where panic feels like intuiton, and I know intuition tends to be quiet. the feelings I’ve been having is a fear driven panicking “knowing“

im not quite sure if this feeling Ive had is because im not used to the calm or the peace and good he’s offering or whatnot. I want it to work between him and I hes also a dear friend of mine and I’d hate to lose what we have.

I’m not directly asking for advice or reassurance as I know that isn’t helpful with how our brains work but just a general curiosity if anyone else has dealt with this before