My husband and child would be better off without me
I’m almost 5 months postpartum. I’ve had OCD my whole life and struggled with depression since I was a college student. Both were extremely under control before I got pregnant. I WAS HAPPY. Like genuinely happy. I didn’t feel weights on my shoulders. I could see the bright side of any situation. My emotions were in check. Life was great in my head.
Half way through my pregnancy I started having a singular really bothersome intrusive thought. I haven’t been able to shake it since it popped into my head one day. I feel like there’s a little voice in the back of my head constantly telling me that my life is worthless, my husband and baby would be better off without me, that if I don’t remove myself from them, then they will eventually hate me and it will happen anyways. That I’ll lose my whole world, everything that means anything to me will be gone. Every. Single. Day. This replays in my head. I used to be able to distract myself with friends and family. But now I just can’t. Whenever I start to feel lighter and happy like I used to, it pops into my head and makes me feel horrible and unworthy of the life I have. I know that it’s just an intrusive thought and isn’t real. But I’m so exhausted from arguing with that little voice all the time and trying to tell it them it’s wrong and I know I’m a good person.
I’m so tired. I don’t know how to keep doing this every day. I feel like I’m not worthy of the life I have. That he should be free to find a better wife for himself and mother for our child. I’m so lost and I’m trying so hard to hide it. The mask is starting to crack and I just want to be there for my baby as long as I can. I love my baby with my whole heart, and I’m so in love with and devoted to my husband. I feel like I’m just letting them both down everyday.
Please help me. I’m so scared of telling anyone. I don’t want to lose my family.