u/OddEye4312

I have been struggling a lot recently with my undiagnosed DX partner, and I could really use some validation just to make sure I am not going insane here. We are in a particularly bad patch at the moment. Whenever I bring up the things I am not getting in our relationship, like a loss of connection due to her inattentiveness, she immediately gets defensive. She will say she is hurt and then go on the offensive by saying truly hurtful things, which I obviously do not retaliate against.

After she has calmed down and apologized, she tries to normalize her behavior by saying that every couple fights and says mean things. Her justification is often that she could always be much meaner, but chose not to be. I have tried to get her to speak with a professional about a potential diagnosis, but she turns it back on me and says I am the one who needs to get help.

This feels like typical RSD, but it is hard not to also feel responsible somehow. I hate asking her to seek help because I do not want to come across as mean. She has actually acknowledged in the past that there might be some truth to a diagnosis, but she completely forgets about that the second we start arguing. I have asked her to look into this many times before, but there has been zero action on her end. As a guy, the way my brain works is that if there is a problem, it needs to be solved right away. But because of her constant lack of action is really affecting how I show up in the relationship. It makes me feel like she does not care, which just brings me right back to feeling completely unheard.

We are at a pivotal moment in our relationship where we are talking about having kids. I do not want to start trying for a baby if we cannot sort out how to navigate conflict first. In response, she guilt trips me and says I am the one who is going to strip her of the ability to have kids, since we are both 36 (been together for four years). I am really at a loss here and would appreciate any input or advice.