Dating while black
I’m a 32 BM and my partner of 4 years is a 34 WW. Shes half Sudanese and half Egyptian, she say she’s African as she was born in Sudan and moved to England when she was 10, but I say she’s Arab as that’s what she is and looks like. For example a Chinese man born in Jamaica, is a Jamaican, national but is still Chinese…until they open their mouth lol.
Anyway…
I wanted to know if anyone maybe feels their partners family are not as welcoming as yours (vice versa).
My family have always welcomed her, and has been around my family more than I have been around hers as they live in another city.
Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe our cultures are just too different.
For our child’s baptism her family/extended family were on one side and mine were on the other. They didn’t really integrate but I guess that’s just because they don’t know each other.
There’s been a couple racial situations that have made me question if being in this interracial relationship is even good for my mental health.
Whilst my mum hasn’t called her her daughter, she treats her like it and will say “I’m with my daughter in law” when she is talking to someone else on the phone.
I remember when my partners uncle died, me and my mum went to the funeral, this would have been within the first year of us dating. Her mum, whilst my mum was next to me, called me her son which I thought felt really fake as she’s never said it before. She hasn’t said it since either, I’m not bothered by it I’m just giving some context to this post.
Anyway at the beginning of the relationship we were stopped in a car I’d bought on Facebook which turned out to be stolen. We were arrested and the police went to her house. Naturally we were given NFA, but I didn’t get my car back and had to take the L on the money loss. Anyway her brother messaged her and basically said I was a drug dealer. Don’t know why that came to his head first but that’s what he said. At that point I hadn’t met any of her family.
Fast forward, to the uncles funeral, then onto the rest of life. There was another incident where we were talking about moving to the city her parents are from. I questioned the diversity around the area as it is predominantly white, so to move from multicultural London to this area, I wanted to know what it’s like and if there are many black people around. She said there was a black family that lived across the street to which the brother said “but there not a good representation”. I checked him on it immediately. I thought that was weird. A black man is a black man. As long as he’s not a grapist or a PDF, it doesn’t matter how they live their life. I’m not going to think “ohh no those black people over there aren’t good so I won’t talk to them”…they’re black just like me.
I remember I was going for a new job, I was a little apprehensive about it and her way of reassuring me was essentially saying I’d be a quota hire. This was early in the relationship maybe year 2. A year later when her sister was going for a interview and she asked her if she thinks they would hire her due to diversity, she told her sister that she should be there on merit and not a quota hire. I guess one rule for the BM and another for someone else right lol
We have a child now who’s still a toddler (I know, I’m deep in lol) but ultimately now that we have moved from London, there’s only so much culture I can show/give him without going back to my family in London where he can experience it full throttle.
I raised this with my partner, as the only person who our child can really look at and see himself in is me. If we were to split, as we’ve moved out of London, he won’t see a lot of people that look like him.
One might say I should have thought about that before getting into an interracial relationship, but I can’t help who I love lol.
Anyway after this, we went to a spa and done some mud cleanse thing (she picked it) she then had the audacity to put her arm next to mine and said at least we’re the same colour now. :| I didn’t even check her about it, we were on holiday so I didn’t wanna ruin the vibe as I know she didn’t mean it in a disrespectful way. But still, why would she say that.
When we were in London, her family came up once for Christmas and that was it. They didn’t come to anything else, not even our child’s first birthday…they done something for our child when she went to her parents. It would make me think, why don’t they want to come here? She’d give reasons like oh they’re busy etc but I just don’t think that’s true. How are your family always busy, they would tell her to just bring our child to them. And like I said, didn’t come down for any seasonal festivities other than that first Christmas of our relationship. Her dad brought his own food ffs lol.
So naturally, I just start matching the energy I receive from them. They don’t say hello to me, I’ve always gotta say hello first, so I stopped that. Now I don’t say anything. And guess what, neither do they. No acknowledgment, nothing. I would of hoped any partner of mines family would welcome me
With open arms and I would feel comfortable around them but it’s just not the case. When I am around they talk in Arabic to each other. They could be talking English, I walk in the room and they’re talking in Arabic. Certain times I used to just be there in my phone, it’s not like I understand what they’re saying lol, and it’s not like they’re actively trying to include me in the conversation. I don’t even go to her family’s house anymore and I’m not in a rush to go there either. We literally live around the corner from them now. They don’t even come to visit, she’ll take my son there or I guess they come round when I’m not there Lool.
I also found out about a tribunal case that took place involving her and a black colleague in which the man felt he was discriminated against by her due to being black… The man won the case. The article is on google but I won’t put it in here. Basically it was about the man talking to customers like he’s talking to his friends which wasn’t suited for the area the store was in. I get her reasoning, at the end of the day as a BM I have to code switch at work, it is what it is.
With all of this being said, she is a lovely women, to me, she has the purest heart which is why I am with her.
I don’t know, am I just in my head? I feel being in an interracial relationship made me realise that actually, maybe its not for me.
I would love to get some engagement on this, and if there are any questions that anyone has I would love to answer them as I’ve jumped backwards and forwards in this post so much.
Bless up