u/OfficeElegant1185

I really don't care if anyone likes this post or not, I'm just venting. I love AI, LLMs, agents, etc. in general and thought for the last 8 months that they were really helping me get something done. I'm trying to start a nonprofit. It was really helpful at deciphering the legal jargon I had to use to get incorporated in my state, when I could not afford human help. Free legal counsel does not exist for this purpose and I didn't have extra money, so I was grateful any help existed (even if it came from a robot) and this is about when I stopped using search engines entirely and started using different LLMs (no particular one) as search engines, often checking their answers against each other.

This is where it actually became... terribly frustrating.

Because the next step after that is mostly fundraising (finding grants, nonprofit loans, networking events, etc.) I expected this to be a straightforward process of searching and applying.

But every LLM kept giving me results so awful that it was alarming, sent me into a full panic like there was no funding out there for the nonprofit I had just created. It kept recommending venture capital funds, accelerators (which usually serve for-profit businesses, especially tech businesses), ivy league incubators... for a rural west virginia agricultural nonprofit. I showed up in person to several rooms I did not belong in and made the best of it with good humor, but it was getting frustrating to keep doing this.

After months of circling through answers I knew weren't right on various LLMs... I just typed the same questions into Google and immediately got what I was looking for.

I feel stupid but glad its over. Still a little stunned, not quite understanding why relevant search results are still outside the capabilities of LLMs, but whatever.

I just need a private llm without censorship. Not an agent. Not tools. Not roleplay or writing. Don't really need image generation, coding, or anything else. Just very, very, very good comprehension of context, realism (like will not suggest anatomically impossible workloads for a human because it has an AI perspective), and ability to follow thread of a conversation. I cannot download things from huggingface or github - I am a regular person (not tech literate). I'm just exhausted with browser models (claude, gpt, etc.) because the censorship is so bad entire fields of my life are basically banned from being discussed on them, even in context of helping me.

I hope this kind of question is allowed here - I'm not sure where I should look and hoping to be pointed in the right direction.

I get floodgates of physical memories when I hear certain interviews on two specific subjects: Epstein victims and GATE (gifted and talented education).

To be clear... I don't think I was trafficked by Epstein or had anything to do with that case. It doesn't line up that way for me. What lines up is the methods, if that makes sense?

For example, Hope Beryl Green described being "programmed" to infiltrate institutions or do certain things. With specific methods of trauma through confusion, like walking into a room with a dead animal and being told she did it to make her fear herself. Genetic breeding of her lineage, tunnels.

So much of this overlaps for me, but in a different way. I have such a rare genetic mutation problem that if I said it here I'd basically be doxxing myself, and it continued to my children.

I have long swaths of blank memory with minor things I did that felt like missions from someone else that I could not explain why I was doing it. Never anything negative, just things with no apparent reason for me to have done, unless you step back and see it as a plan (like if someone came by that later and did x, they'd be able to x. But I'll be gone by then. I don't know how I know this.) Again, never for anything negative or significant... more like ensuring spaces are vacant for someone else to use years after I leave (I don't know who)? I cannot even explain this clearly. I feel crazy so I rarely talk about it.

Most days look normal. There are years of space between these minor "assignments". Which are never explained to me or even recalled in a memorable human voice... it feels more like tonally delivered instructions activating when I reach certain places?

I have memories of being experimented on in military bases - which makes sense, because my mom was a single mom who gave birth to me in the military so I would have spent time there (I don't know much about my father and never met him). But there are like... no specifics in the memories. No faces. It just comes back when a physical sense is activated. Like certain pure tones? For a long time, I ignored these memories because they were sexual... I thought I was just repressing memories of being touched. But the other details (such as Monroe Institute like tones being attached to childhood - the soothing parts?) make less sense in a "standard" case of that?

I have always felt like someone else controls me. Not like in a "seeing people" type of sense, but like... sometimes I feel the need to delay a decision and I'll catch myself thinking "until I check with him"... then realizing there is no one in that space (no name/face/relation)... and then waiting anyway/forgetting about it... and then when I look back, I went with something I wouldn't choose or have no reason for choosing, cannot explain, and positioned me to do the next minor thing. Sometimes the choice is made based on information I shouldn't know and can't remember unless someone else happens to repeat it later. By then it feels like recognition of a partial conversation (still no voice).

This could literally be something random like... "I can never be seen in that building" or "I need to go here on this day let them take me in" (it has been churches before but could be different institutions - my memory has many blank periods).

For example... years ago, I knew I "had" to join a certain church. I knew nothing about it and didn't know why I was there. When someone repeated a statistic about birth rates, suddenly I almost remembered why I was there. It is hard to explain the sensation of only being able to almost remember something causal (like why you came somewhere)... it makes me feel crazy. Like part of my mind is owned.

I don't know, I hope this made sense to someone...

Hi. I wanted to post something that I hope will be helpful to others. I'm currently in tears as I type this. It is 3:22am. I have been crying nonstop since at least 9:30pm.

Its not in your head. People cannot afford homes. People cannot afford cars, in nations built to require them for basic survival. People cannot afford to eat. People are chronically ill and cannot get quality care. People cannot afford to keep their utilities on. People cannot afford repairs.

People do have hunger pains in America - I'm experiencing them right now, as I type this. I am not lazy. I live in Appalachia, where I see hardworking people every day with their fingers worked visibly to the bone... being evicted to die in the elements, or locked away. For nothing. In other parts of the world, this is worse. I'm sorry.

If you're under 35, you have grown up in a world so highly regulated - literally *captured* (institutionally) - that you cannot wipe your ass without wondering if you've done something punishable and wrong, yet you're pretty sure the amount of debt you went into trying to fulfill what society asked of you will one day result in your own homelessness. Not because of "something in your head", because of math.

Part of what makes depression so hard is people constantly telling you its only in your head, as if you don't have eyes... so I just wanted to let you know that there is nothing wrong with your eyes. Don't let people heap that additional weight upon you. You're not seeing wrong.

I hope the absurdity of this life we inhabit transcends into laughter for you at some point, my friend.

Writing this helped me. It is 4:30am. The tears have stopped. I hope it did something for you, too.

Good luck out there today.