How do I continue to function normally, specifically at work, knowing my grandma has days left to live?
My grandma is in hospice and has been given days to live. She is my rock. She is everything to me. She raised me, lived with me, and I’m closer to her than my own parents. She went into hospice 3 months ago, and I was told it wasn’t the end. 2 weeks ago, I go to visit, and she’s crying to me saying she doesn’t know how much longer she has and she wanted to see me get married and all of these things. I feel horrible. I have this pit in my stomach that won’t go away. She doesn’t eat much of anything, sleeps most of the day, has hallucinations, constipation, and just looks like she’s in pain. It’s horrible.
For me, I live 4 hours away and it seems my visits are making her sad. Even when I left the last trip and my dad told me it might be the last time I saw her, she just couldn’t stop crying. She has a very frail voice and lost so much weight in a month, I could hardly recognize her.
At work, I can’t focus. I want to leave the second I get into the building. I’m sick to my stomach and dry heaving. Texting everybody for updates. For context, my job is great and very understanding- I have an extra 40 hours of annual leave I can use so I’m not bad on time off just don’t want everyone to hate me. I’m so on top of things but I feel myself slipping.
I just want someone to tell me the right way to do things. When do I leave early. When do I stay. Am I right to feel this way and just want to be home. Why is it when I’m at home I feel so much more distracted, but at work I’m a hot mess.
I think my biggest issue is not knowing when, and trying to overly prepare myself in hopes I won’t fall apart. Well I’m already falling apart.
And stupid chat GPT is not helpful, fuck AI I need real people to answer this with their experiences
I guess my question is, how does someone get through day to day life whilst dealing with this type of anticipatory grief?