r/hospice

My brother (39) was discharged from hospice for continuing to abuse his hospice medications despite them taking precautions against it. They did a 5 day discharge and provided 5 days of medications. My brother has no other Healthcare, no insurance, has never worked, no SSI, nothing to assist. He is and always has been an addict and an abusive person so I pay for a home and nothing else for him.

I told him that he needs to get to a clinic to help him with the withdrawals, but I'm afraid he won't and the withdrawals will do him in. I feel very stuck between trying to manage this knowing it won't change anything and just letting it go and letting him do what he is going to do (clinic, er, drink, who knows).

Hello all. So my dad is 81 and I’m 51 and my mom is 79. He has kidney cancer and has a tumour wrapped around his left kidney. He wants to sleep. That’s all. The hospice nurse came over with the Counsellor and we talked about what to expect. Here’s my issue.
My mom used to be a nurse. She retired 25 years ago. And she still has the energy of a 50 year old. But I think that she gets bitter when other nurses come in and want to treat my father because she feels she can do it and because she’s his wife she should do it. I don’t think that’s the best idea. He’s on dilaudid and lorazepam and two other meds. When he’s in pain my mom keeps thinking that he’s just saying that because he wants to sleep. At this point what’s that difference. Let he sleep. My mom can be a bit hard to deal with. I get it that she’s been married to him for 55 years but I don’t want my dad to suffer. She keeps trying to give him Tylenol and I tell her he’s beyond Tylenol mom. I know she is doing some things wrong but when the hospice nurse comes over i feel she’s not telling the nurse everything. Like she’s trying to keep him alive but her methods are hurting my dad. She thinks she’s back in nurse mode and I keep telling her to stop it. Let the hospice nurses and doctors decide if should get a higher dose or take it more often. She’s trying to handle everything herself and it’s causing so much anxiety amongst me and her and my brother and sister. He just wants to sleep because he said he wants to die. And doesn’t want suffer. Ugh. I’m sorry. I’m trying to word this correctly but this all happened so fast. Any advice on what I can tell her that the regular hospice people don’t ? Thanks so much.

This is literally my first reddit post and Im honestly fearful about people thinking Im a terrible daughter for asking this, but Im not sure where else to go for info.

My 90 year old mother has been on hospice care for 2+ months now. She is in stage 5 kidney failure (GFR 11) but is also blind, deaf and crippled enough that she can barely stand. She has been ill almost my entire life and has broken more bones than anyone I know, plus has had both hips and knees replaced. Basically her body is a total lemon and always has been. She has been on oxy (5 MG 4x/day) for the past 20 years. At 4ft10 and 85 lbs, I honestly dont understand how THAT hasn't killed her.

2 weeks ago, her hospice nurse felt she was ready to go to the hospice facility-- she was now too weak to stand, breathing was becoming labored, was only eating and drinking small amounts and was sleeping 16+ hours a day. We truly thought she was passing, and everyone, including her, was relieved. Dad passed almost 3 years ago and she has missed him terribly. She has zero quality of life.

After 2 days in hospice care, they told us she wasnt dying "fast enough" and would need to be moved to a nursing home-- the very thing we had hoped to avoid. We tried to find the best one-- not many choices in our city-- and admitted her, thinking it would be a very brief stay. Instead, its as if she has come back from the dead. She is FURIOUS that she is still alive and even more so that she's in a nursing facility. She isnt tired, eats and drinks ALL the time-- large portions!-- and is now telling us that she thinks she can walk again if we'd bring her walker to her.

This is the part I dont want to be judged for-- i love my mom fiercely, she has always been my best friend--but I literally cant understand what is happening. If I thought that stage 5 kidney failure could reverse itself and she could get better, that would be great, but obviously that isnt happening. The idea of her hanging on like this for months (years??) and being so angry about it almost makes me want to drive off a cliff.

I guess what Im asking is: has anyone else seen this anomaly? Where someone in this condition is close to death and then rallies like this? I know it can happen for a day or two but its been a week now. I feel like the world's worst daughter for being disappointed that she isnt declining, but she truly doesnt want to keep going-- she thinks God must be mad at her and doesnt want her 😔 I just dont understand why this is happening. Any thoughts or experiences? TIA.

Hey everyone, I just started my mother on hospice (at home with me) this week. She has terminal esophageal cancer of the upper 1/3 and has qualified for hospice for some time. We went from her being mostly ambulatory a week ago to her being in bed 99% of the time (we still make it to the restroom on a wheelchair sometimes).

The main question I have is around her feeds and meds. When she’s awake, she’s miserable coughing up thick phlegm and having to spit into a cup as she can’t swallow. I only feed when she asks, but I think the days of her making much sense are limited. She’s on 350-700 calories of ensure a day depending on her request.

I’ve been giving hyoscyamine and lorazepam with morphine for discomfort, but it makes her sleep for hours. We’re in that weird place where she’s making sense sometimes but usually not. If anyone has experience with a loved one who was tube fed at the end of their days it would be great to hear from you. Thanks in advance!

My Dad passed away yesterday, July 4th at 6:50 am after 100 days on hospice. He has spent the last 16 years battling his health. First with alcoholism then with the many complications that his alcohol use caused on his body. It’s so hard to say goodbye, I’m feel like I’m underwater. But we are all finally free from his long battle. Fitting for Independence Day.

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in February 2026. She had metastasis at time of diagnosis to her adrenal glands, spine, brain, and skin. It was a shocking diagnosis because she was a healthy, non smoking 70YO woman. My mom was also a nurse and was incredibly on top of her health and screening.

She had a lump on her scalp, which was her first tip off that’s something was wrong. Sure enough it was stage 4 at time of diagnosis.

My mum decided to do chemo and radiation which was rocky, but we had some periods of time where she was doing well. She ended up with a lot of pain towards the end of her third chemo treatment and we found out that the cancer had spread. We live in Canada and she chose to do MAiD (Medical Assistance in Dying). We had everybody around her for the last three days of her life. We told stories, went through photos, listened to music, watched movies. We ate smoked salmon and drank champagne. It was a beautiful goodbye. She left peacefully.

I tell this story because this subreddit was a lifeline for me when I was looking for hope while she was in treatment. It didn’t end the way I was hoping, but we made a beautiful goodbye for her and there was closure for us. I will miss her forever, she was a wonderful mother and grandmother. I am sending love and support to anyone at the end of their journey and especially if their loved one is considering MAiD. It was a difficult decision but I’m ultimately so grateful my mom chose this path for herself.

Hello. My mom is 90. Will be coming home for hospice after a horrible six month battle with gastric cancer. I have shared our story and asked for advice on various things. Right now, I am a wreck. Anticipatory grief, watching the time. I am exhausted but sitting up all night every night in fear of what will happen. I am afraid I will not be able to take this. What I ask - can someone tell me their story of acceptance when their parent is very old and very sick? I don’t want her to suffer. I am 54 years old. Just buried my father in law one month ago and dealt with a home destroyed by squatters that took all of our savings. This year has been a nightmare and now my mom is leaving. Somebody please tell me how you made it. Please tell me that I can survive this. Because right now it’s a struggle just to make it through the night.

My grandmother (86 - dementia/edema/diabetes/CHF) is going on 30 hours of not using the restroom. She has no POA, no care team, but we have had a hospice assessment and been told she is qualified. (I can’t do anything to get her care so I’m stuck on this aspect)

As of this post (1PM 7/4/26) the last time I assisted her to the restroom was 6:30AM on 7/3/26. She cannot usually go unassisted but has had days where she sneaks to the restroom without help. However, I cleaned her bathroom around noon yesterday and it has been CLEARLY untouched. She usually leaves a huge mess or at the very least an un-flushed toilet so I am 99.999999% sure it’s been at least 24 hours but closer to 30 since I don’t think she went again prior to my cleaning.

I’ve been trying to encourage her every couple of hours to go but she just gets defensive and says my partner helped her go last night so she’s fine. The instance she’s remembering is several days ago.

The last time she didn’t go she was in extreme pain when she finally DID go around the 16 hr mark so I cannot imagine what doubling that will do.

She wears diapers but usually they are clean or just have minor incontinence. She usually refuses to go anywhere but a toilet and doesn’t believe that she has any issues at all.

On top of that, during our argument about when the last time she had gone, she asked what day Relative #1 and Relative # 2 had come to visit, probably to try to jog a memory of the last time she went. I didn’t even recognize the names but we DID have visitors last weekend so I thought maybe she just was confused about who was here. Asked my dad and they are deceased family members from 15+ years ago.

I know the end is near but oh my god how does this get any worse?

Edit: Also should mention grandma has mentioned she does not want medical care to delay her death and that she’s basically just waiting for it at this point. Another reason she refuses care and would never sign a POA. She knows we are all eager to help so she purposefully “hides” symptoms and does not ask for help. The same happens when we’ve had paramedics and the hospice RN come in, she acts fine and then flips out on us to the point of exhaustion/sleeping for days.

Edit #2: She finally peed… 36+ hours later. She did 3 full pees. One in her diaper on the way to the bathroom (it was HOT so I know it was fresh), a full pee in the toilet, then another full pee after sitting there for 5+ minutes. I’m equally as impressed and horrified.

91 yr old father with end stage dementia and complete heart blockage has been on hospice for 2 months. I recently gave consent for the administration of Ativan. Immediately caused my father to sleep the majority of the time. Cyanosis in fingertips make it hard to get O2 readings. Symptoms of intermittent hypoxia. I am constantly second guessing if giving Ativan is right for him. It definitely keeps him calm as he is knocked out for most of the day. I understand he is near the end but do the benefits of Ativan outweigh the negatives at this stage?

I’m young but this has just been a worry of mine for as long as I can remember. I grew up being taught about hell and got the idea that more people would go to hell or at least purgatory than heaven, although I don’t follow the belief system I grew up in anymore. when my grandpa passed a few years ago I started seeking out information about hospice and the things caregivers see their loved ones experience at the end.in ways it makes me feel better and I hope that what Ive learned can help me be present when my grandma passes. I’ve heard so many beautiful stories of loved ones coming to bring the dying to the afterlife but none of people being afraid at the end and for some reason that scares me more. in my brain not everyone can be comforted in the afterlife because some people are more bad than good, so if no one is scared at all it must just be a figment of imagination. i suppose my ultimate question today is do hospice patients sometimes have deathbed visions of bad things or only ever good.

The prognosis is not good for my grandfather. I was awake for 36 hours because there were no interpreters on staff at that hour. He's now getting palliative care and I feel so guilty because I needed to shower and sleep and eat. I'm anxious to go back and wait. Is it normal to wait 24/7 do people leave to care for themselves?

My dad had a cardiac arrest few days ago at home and had stopped breathing and had no pulse for 15 mins or so. By the time ambulance came and did cpr, it was another 15 mins so he was sort of “dead” for 30 mins. They finally got a pulse and took him to hospital and put him on life support. They told us he is not brain dead but there is a lot of brain damage and he will not wake up. They recommended we take him off life support (he had a lot of health issues prior to this and we knew he was at the end of life even before this) but we are struggling to let him go and feel that if he “came back”, he is still in there maybe. But I am confused .. did he die and come back? Why would God bring someone back just to suffer on life support? Is his soul still in there? Can he hear us talking to him? Can he feel anything? Anyone know?

My MIL got her angel wings on Monday

Thank you all for your help

I’ve read nothing to fear by hospice nurse Julie but that deals w the active dying process. Is there any books that deal w before that specifically for dementia or ftd? She’s getting assessed on Thurs and I didn’t sleep well the last few nights since hearing it. She’s in memory care so taken care of but still. It’s difficult and my siblings are assholes.

My grandma & father live together, my grandma has been on hospice for rectal cancer & my dad was just admitted to hospice two days ago for end stage liver failure

I have had so many questions, and I always feel like I’m being over dramatic but everyone I’ve spoken to has just been SO nice and understanding. I had to call the nurses for my grandma and it was storming, 30 minutes before their holiday weekend and it was a pretty nasty situation. They were SO nice and it just makes me so emotional that there are people who chose to do this job, do it well, and continue to show up for families the way that they do.

My mom is 90 years old. She’s been battling gastric cancer for several months, and this morning the doctor recommended hospice comfort. He said if he could predict he would say a few weeks to a couple months, but closer to weeks. I feel so odd. My older sister (66F) broke down in tears. I took her hand. I was still. I have not cried yet. I don’t know what to think about why I am not breaking down and falling apart knowing that my mother is going to die. Is there anyone who never cried? I do keep sinking into what feels like a pit of sadness but even if I pushed myself physically the tears won’t come. I fear I am going to have some kind of massive breakdown when the moment comes. But i also think, she is 90, she has had an amazingly full like and she is beloved by family and friends and the community. But she is my mommy and I know my heart is breaking but I just feel low, like there are heavy weights strapped to my shoulders pulling me down. It feels suffocating and then it passes. Has anyone felt like this? Am I going to have a nervous breakdown? Can I survive this?

Dad is on hospice x 4 weeks. He has chronic kidney disease that‘s end stage. He has continued on BP meds but no other meds. As his kidneys are shutting down his BP is pretty much super high now even with his current meds- 170/103 regularly. My fear is that he will have a stroke or something before he passes because of this pressure. What can I do?

Hello, I have a difficult question about my 95 year old father. Do you think he is a candidate for inpatient hospice?

He doesn't have any diseases. Being 95, he was in cognitive and physical decline, but could walk very short distances. For a year, he has been having fainting spells, and last week, he fell, shat on himself. Suddenly he couldn't walk anymore, can't even get out of bed, can't stand. He can't even turn on his side in bed, or pull his blanket up.

He was at the ER, was hospitalized, and will now go to a rehab center. There are no known causes for his inability to walk, except old age.

He has been telling me this week he would like to die. He doesn't think he will recover. He hates the idea of being in a rehab center for 2 months, and then probably going to a nursing home. My mother is unable to care for him, being old and disabled herself.

My father never complains, is very non-dramatic. He is speaking very little now, except to say he wants to die. He has never been depressed, and is not spiritual at all.

I have never spoken to his doctor, and I don't know if this doctor would have a basis for recommending my father to go to a hospice.

We live in New York.

Your thoughts, please.

My grandma 74F broke her leg 2 months ago. She got the surgery and everything, but she absolutely refused to get out of bed or move even when she could. She has been bedridden since she broke her leg. Keep in mind that she is also diabetic and has arrhythmia

Being bedridden has caused bedsores, stage 4. The bedsores were infected and still are even though Drs operated on those bedsores and cut off all of the necrosis. She was supposed to stay in the hospital for 1-2 weeks minimum, but she absolutely refused to and we had to discharge her AMA in 5 days.

Couple of days later, her vitals were not good, so we had to readmit her asap. We got told she has sepsis but she was okay until Tuesday. She has been on a breathing machine since Wednesday, she hasnt eaten or drank water in days. She is fully unconscious, Dr tried to wake her up today, but she wouldn't wake up.

We've always had the closest relationship and she absolutely refused to let me visit while she was lucid since readmitting. because she knew I would take it harder than anybody else.

I saw her today and I was freaked out about the fact that her face is completely swollen and she doesn't look like herself anymore. I know it's from the fact that she doesnt urinate much anymore, but it was still shocking.

Doctors are telling us "it all depends on her" so we have been panicking like this for weeks now. Sometimes she was better, sometimes she was worse. She hasnt ever been this bad before and we are being prepared by Dr's that she will pass.

My whole family has become paranoid because we don't have a time frame and we expect a call every second. I dont think any of us have slept normally for the past week. We realize that she will pass, not knowing when is the hardest part.

Any advice and any experience will be very much so appreciated.

My mom is 69, 70 in a couple weeks, and she was diagnosed 2 months ago with s4 bile duct cancer, she has declined treatment. She started home hospice two weeks ago, but they rarely come out, nurse once a week and a CNA maybe for only 30 minutes in duration two times a week to clean her. I am one of three sons that she has; one lives in another state and my other brother lives 30 minutes away and doesn’t see or try to talk to her. I will admit she was a bit abrasive growing up which led to some estrangement during our teens through twenties (we are triplets and 42 yo). I visit weekly, my set day is Tuesday to where I can just focus on what she needs and to give her some company. But I have to work, I wish I didn’t but I have to. Hospice said they are only legally required to visit once a week, but I worry that is not enough help for her. I work in hospitality and my schedule is pretty full especially on weekends. I have been visiting with her often but I can only stay so long because of my job. We are not in a place where we can afford a private caregiver, I just don’t want my mom to think I don’t care or that I’m pawning off the responsibility. This sucks and I hate that my other brothers couldn’t seem to care about my mom’s condition or the challenges her condition entails. Am I doing enough or am I just being a wuss and hiding at work? Idk. I love my mom and I didn’t think I’d be here navigating these muddy waters.