u/Ok-Activity-7982

I'm in a state of constant unease because If I die in that state my final abode will be forever disgraceful.

When a person is trialed they differ, the grateful believer and the ungrateful hypocrite - the truthful and the liar, so that means that the other person has failed the test, is a liar and lost both worlds and no matter what kind of patience comes afterwards it does not suffice them because they're clearly the Liars?
Also the concequences of having a tight chest, dead heart as a punishment which means no light can enter it.

Or people differ between Believer, Hypocrite and disbelievers, the two latter ones end up in Jahannam and there's no way out for that Hypocrite. The believers are only those who believe and then doubt not, or feel a fear in their hearts when the Quran is being recited then their Iman increases. That's only for the believer.

Things flipped all over once I was trialed, and an increase in Aqeedah waswas then the rest was just destruction for me. Since then I'm in layers of darkness which I can't get rid off, and I am aware. I'm trying to learn so I can just get out of this but It's very clear to me that I'm not part of those who can be saved on Yawm Qiyyama and I wouldn't say this is a trick from Shaytan but looking at these verses, reflecting on my situation and this darkness and heaviness that I feel inside of me. I mean you need to have a Qalbi Saleem either way and I have a dead heart. And I've done trying to take the practical means like, Tauba, reading the Book of Allah but I don't know is there anything I could read or watch that could help? And can anyone clear my doubts, without giving false hopes? Any fatwas, sayings of the Ulama's etc. or is it just final for me?

I apologize but I really want to take any opportunity or means I can get but when I read all of this I don't know what to do, and It's not just waswas from Shaytan because whoever dies in that state which I am in, their final abode is clear. Deeds will also not be accepted, you can do as much as Ibadah you want - And I'm not able to properly repent, can't explain it. There are many things which takes a person out of the folds of Islam, and people are divided and seen who are the true believers. Otherwise everyone would have the chance. And the difference between a Hypocrite and a believer are also very clear. To get also counseling costs money which I can't afford so I hope that maybe someone that has knowledge can clear some doubts for me..
I'm willing to read, watch any material to remove this issue from me.

This issue weighs very heavy on me and I'm fighting with this for a long time which makes me heavy and tired.

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu,

I’ve been thinking about marriage because of my circumstances. I live in a non-Muslim household, and I feel that marriage, if Allah decrees it, would be a better situation for me than being pressured into working in an environment where it can be difficult to find something suitable according to the Shari’ah, especially when I would prefer to avoid unnecessary free-mixing.

At the same time, I’ve been struggling with hardness of the heart, (as I mentioned in my previous post) and I wonder whether a brother would even want to marry someone going through this. Or if it would be in general a good idea to marry in that case?

Another difficulty is that I’m quite particular when it comes to marriage. I want someone with deen and good akhlaq, but I also believe there needs to be some physical attraction and overall compatibility. Because of this, I’ve ended up declining several brothers, which makes me feel guilty.
Finding someone suitable in my area is also difficult. Most brothers at my local masjid are already married, and it can be difficult to find someone who is practicing and upon the correct manhaj in my area.
So I’m unsure what would be best? Should I or should I not and where can I look apart from SOKMatch, (I don't like Sunnahmatch btw It's too chaotic for me) and how do I deal with this issue with being picky in regards to looks etc?

How to deal with the feeling of not being good?
I feel quite isolated and distant, and I am aware I'm the one to blame. But My heart has been severely hardened for years that nothing is penetrating it nor moves it not even reminders about death, I can't find comprehension in my heart anymore.
I was a pretty new convert and went a downhill path immediately, I've tried to repent but my heart feels dead. My dua's etc are just from my tongue. I feel this kind of lowliness and humiliation and weakness of my body n heart. And very distant from my Creator. (I didn't continue my old lifestyle after Islam btw) but still my mistakes that I made were so grievous and resulted in severe consequences and I had still something that I've been trialed with. I suffered a lot from the worst type of Aqeedah waswas. Some converts have so much time to develop, and forgiveness n rahma reaches them but I suffered severe consequences for my actions.
I live with my non muslim family members and tried to go to halaqas, I even ponder over the Quran and listen to it daily but my heart remains shut..
I can't feel anything, no trembling of the heart nothing. To understand; Even if I read about Jahannam. Or just hearing or reading "Allah" back then I used to be in a state of utmost fear. Now nothing affects nor enters my heart? If you tell me imagine you'll die in a second I can't even reflect on it It's not normal and I am not able to submit or repent? I don't understand what that is. There are people sinning from the morning till the night and no one experienced that.. I assumed that I've been punished with a sealed heart after being guided. It's so confusing to live like that I can't even describe it.

On top of that I have blockages in all aspects and feel like everyone lowkey doesn't like me or don't take me seriously. It adds more stress to the stress, I sit in my room researching, watching lectures time passes by so quickly and my financial situation is down the drain, the expectations also and because I'm in such a weak state I have a hard time of going after my responsibilities of Birr al-walidayn and holding strong ties of kinship (we're not so emotionally close to eachother and being overly kind is actually displeasing to them. And overall I feel uncomfortable.) so It's extremely overwhelming, which puts more pressure because I accumulate in sins with no control which adds more concequences, and weakens my body more, I can't even wake up for tahajjud and even if I do so I can't cry out properly due to the rock in my chest.