Jealous of my boyfriend’s family, started crying.
I just want to vent because I’m sad and embarrassed. I’m 20 YO so I know I’m young and dumb, but I’ve also been surviving on my own for many years.
I have always been shy/ social anxious my whole life. Looking back it’s because I was bullied in school and at home, so my survival mechanism just became BE QUIET and UNSEEN then maybe you’ll be SAFE.
My boyfriend’s family had a barbecue today. I always hate going to his family holiday, because I didn’t grow up with that AT ALL. It was weird an unfamiliar to sit with a large group of people, and just talk?? My boyfriends aware of my anxiety, and I think he has made his family aware too (which honestly I disliked because now they make jokes about me hating them)
Anyway today we go, and my boyfriend’s birthday is soon so he is getting gifts. He gets a laptop, a bunch of shoes, he gets a ton of money, his expensive art supplies for his hobbies.
As he was opening his laptop. It just hits me! I KNOW why I hate being here so much! ITS because I am JEALOUS. I just started getting flashbacks, of my mom being horrible, of ALL OF the trauma and inadequacy I felt growing up. Unpleasant memories and emotions. I felt anger, jealousy, sadness and grief. I JUST STARTED CRYING in front of EVERYONE. I immediately just ran out of the space. But I couldn’t calm down, even while being alone. The longer I was away, the harder it was to bring myself back . classic anxiety)
I went back EVENTUALLY & no one asked about it thankfully. My boyfriend in the car said they were just asking if I was pregnant (I’m not) I explained to him the emotions I was having and he heard me out fully. He understands me and accepts me even if he doesn’t fully experience what I do.
Now I’m sitting in my designated meditation room pondering it all. I MEAN they are just THINGS just THINGS. I try my best to not be attached to THINGS. We live together and we are very invested in eachother so in a way what’s his is mine, we will likely spend that money together and that laptop will be for me to use too.
Growing up poor, but on my moms behalf decidedly so, my mom had a good amount of money she was making she just spent it on anything that was for her fun. Watching my mom choose a bottle over dinner, choose gambling over our cats surgery, and cigarettes over my birthday. I don’t know man seeing my partner get these gifts, it was like this little girl in me was so angry all of the sudden all she could do is cry. Maybe it wasn’t about the THINGS but the act of someone caring about you so much they’re selfless. Idk it’s just not something I’ve experienced. But at face value it just feels like about the things.
It feels really dumb to be jealous at this age especially of your partner.
To see so many family members of his give him these gifts every single year. It kills me every time. And it kills me that is kills me yk? Because there are THINGS I wish I had right now, like a new sewing machine, or shoes that weren’t falling apart, or help with my schooling.
We are poor young adults so spending money on fun or hobbies is not something I feel I can do, everything goes to necessities. And seeing him get that outlet every year for his passions is just hard. Deep inside I am still that outsider with no money watching my friends enjoy these things that my mom always said was unnecessary.
I know enough about my healing to know that this isn’t just about the gifts or the material stuff.
I know I need to back myself up, find friends, feel more secure in myself I know I know I know. I’m just healing at the same time so it’s just so hard feeling alone, specially without true adult support. I just feel like I have ZERO clue what I’m doing EVER.
This was long and will get lost but if you made it this far thanks for reading, hopefully the grammar wasn’t too bad but I didn’t graduate highschool so bare with me ♥️