I’m so tired
Long story short - was with my boyfriend for a year, broke up because it didn’t feel “right”. I was constantly checking attraction and I was in a constant state of anxiety. It was exhausting.
While we broke up, I kept seeing him everywhere. And it was like seeing him in a whole new light. I kept thinking to myself “why did we even break up in the first place…? Of course he’s attractive” - because I was in a calm state. I had a deep feeling that we were going to get back together.
2 months later, I asked him to meet. After a long talk and discussing our relationship, he said the words “well I do want to take you back” and immediately this huge wave of anxiety hit. I thought I was going to have a panic attack. My brain was screaming “I DONT WANT THIS!!” I ignored it.
Time went on and I actually fell back in love with him. Everything was perfect and how it was before my ROCD was really bad. I was excited about the future, and was rarely having anxious spikes.
I then left for holiday for 2 weeks. I’ve come back and immediately when I reunited with him my brain immediately said again “I don’t want this!!” The distance has made me almost fall out of love. Disconnect emotionally.
He’s getting to the point where he says I’m pushing him away. He feels like he’s walking on egg shells because every time he talks about the future, I shut him down. My body rejects him, I flinch when he touches me, I feel uncomfortable, yet he feels like home.
I’m starting to think I just see him as a friend. I want it to be him so bad. I want him to be my person. I’m so confused.