r/ROCDpartners

Please be gentle with how you respond because doubt makes my ROCD much worse…

I was diagnosed with ROCD a week ago and it really has been a struggle. I’ll just kind of repost what I wrote in NOCD here:

Heya all! This is my first time posting in this forum. I hope people will be patient and understanding with my condition because I know it might sound annoying or people might not understand it but for those who do, please try to help me get through this.

Basically, I’m in a long distance relationship and in the beginning it was decent though he wasn’t my first choice in the beginning (mostly because I felt afraid of online people coming into my life and hurting me) but I gave it a try anyway. I was really excited in the beginning as I felt like someone finally truly loved me and he’s an amazing guy and it’s my first ever relationship (because I was sheltered most of my life and put in private schools). I never had a first kiss, or anything intimate at all and I’m 19 which makes me sad already because long distance makes it difficult to even meet because he lives in a different country. We’ve been together for 1 1/2 years and my has it been difficult. After months passed after the beginning and we shared core bonding moments.

But then, I started to notice that I couldn’t stand him for no reason and I would go around and around (even to this day) worrying about not loving him and that I want someone else to love. I hate the distance, I hate the fact that people have it easier, it makes me extremely upset with my own self. Because I’m 19 then I started to feel FOMO and my friends and other people are telling me to break up with him because I should live more of a life my age and not be tied down WHICH MAKES THE ROCD WORSE😭😭😭

I start feeling hatred, disgust and resentment over my partner for literally no reason. It makes me panic constantly because my brain tells me I don’t love him which makes me panic and other people confirm which makes me panic twice more. And don’t get me started on when an anxious episode starts I start scrolling the internet for answers for HOURS on whether I love him and it’s driving me absolutely crazy. To top it all off, I have parents that are completely against the relationship because it’s online and they believe that it’s all a scam, he’s an organ seller, he’s going to cheat on me, steal from me, and all these people keep filling my head with problems that make me feel like breaking up. But then I get defensive when people say to break up because I think deep down I don’t really want it to end but when I don’t end it I started feeling miserable and “trapped” in the situation because he can’t see me due to visa issues, I’m not allowed to see him due to my mom telling me she’s going to evict me if I did and it’s absolutely horrible.
No one supports us really that much it’s usually 50/50. My mom makes me feel like the relationship is wrong at all times and restricts from doing anything and mentally tortures me day and night.

At the end of the day I feel…suicidal.

My relationship makes me anxious

Where I live makes me anxious

My friends make me anxious.

Everything does…

And it hurts so much like I just feel like I can’t do it much longer and no one cares to help.

Me and my boyfriend have been supporting each other for the longest and he really is kind to me all the time I actually don’t know why I feel like I’m lying saying that but he is always kind to me and never judges. I live in a manipulative household and had a trauma bond with my mother for years so anything she disapproves makes my brain warn me to stay away though there’s nothing wrong. I was afraid of going outside until last year because she said it was dangerous and she severely scared me into not going anywhere all my life so I could never find help but I’m happy that I have a chance to find some now.

I don’t know why I get triggered by everything my boyfriend does and getting triggered makes me anxious that I don’t love him and then I feel stuck in the relationship and I start thinking like maybe I should break up and find other guys near me but that makes me anxious too because this person has been there for me through thick and thin and I feel horrible and I think deep down I don’t really want a different guy I just want the suffering to stop because I wouldn’t spend day and night ruminating over not loving him and not feeling right in the relationship day and night. It’s just like too much and idk what to do. I just want to see him honestly but even my heart started losing hope there too and I’m afraid that I can’t continue this relationship which makes me anxious of course again. But then breaking up I get scared and don’t want either because we have such a close relationship.

Also another annoying thing I hate is when my ROCD and my perfectionist ocd have a fucking collab and are just like “let’s pick on every single part of his personality to justify why we should break up with him” I’ll start picking on little things like the fact he’s from a different country, his looks, his family, long distance, everything they all get thrown against me to justify my leaving.

And please don’t be angry it’s not personal but I’m actually so sick of people who have it easy. Who can choose what they want for themselves without being anxious. Who can wake up every morning to their significant other and be with them, kiss them, feel them, Fuck them, everything. The people who have all their friends and family cheering them and the relationship on and I’ve been nothing but kind to people in life and this is what I get. For life to spit it all in my face.

Sometimes I think maybe I should consider an open relationship with him to feel more comfortable but I know he would feel uncomfortable and jealous and heartbroken and I would too. I would feel horrible and seeing him talking to other girls would give me a heart attack. Like this really isn’t fair…

I want the relationship but I don’t and it’s so confusing?

And one slight change of tone in someone’s wording to this comment that could sound like break up is going to set me in another anxious loop.

Even if his tone changes I get scared that he might be upset with me, he’s leaving me, he’s abandoning me etc. it just never ends.

Then I’m sad that I don’t have the spark in this relationship like I used to before but that’s primarily because none of my relationships were actually relationships first of all they were hot and cold crushes that used me for things like sexting and then blocked me…It was hard to trust people online after that ngl. People irl sucked just as well because I would constantly chase them only for them to ignore me. And I had a crush on someone who had no romantic interest or even similar hobbies to me whatsoever. People say the chase is what kept me going and that’s it an anxious loop which is probably true but at the same time I think to myself I didn’t really like chasing them. But I guess the anxious adrenaline you get from chasing a hot and cold person feels thrilling but it’s really anxiety.

ALSO

Another thing that is too much not only are people unsupportive but I have no group of friends to hang out with or anything. I feel like if I did things would be so much better. But I can’t even have that…I’m just in my room all day talking to my boyfriend all day, playing games, going for walks in my neighborhood and eating. That’s it. A lifestyle to literally commit suicide over how dull it is😭😭😭

Can’t get a job either because no one hires me and I’m not sure why probably because there are so many applicants and I just finished high school last year June.

But please answer if you understand this because i have to build trust to open up more which is hard for me but please I beg if you can please reach out to me. I really need it.

Thank you so much for your time 🙏🙏🙏

a long story, and still missing much of the context: we met when we were 18/19, now 22 and 23. He has my been my best friend since I met him. we had such a unique way of clicking that I had, and still have, never found with anyone. I had a very lonely childhood, a lot of issues with my family, had some lovely friendships but that lacked true emotional depth. I have OCD and have been seeing therapists off and on since I was 18. me and him bonded very closely over a lot of mental health things, and when he described things he had experienced throughout childhood and adulthood as we got closer, I felt he also had OCD. when we started dating we had a rough start of off and on, always broken off by him, for various reasons that were never super concrete. after being treated for ROCD myself in the future years, it clicked with me that he might also be experiencing something similar, and I told him as much. After a 3 month break and no contact (I moved out of state for a seasonal job, and we got back in touch through letters he started sending me) we got back together. (for additional context, he had started therapy in this time through his insurance, his therapist refused to refer him to an ocd specialist, and he stopped seeing her after a few months) For the last year and a half, our relationship has been solid. We ended up living together for the last year. I have never been so close to a person in my life. he is the first man I met that was gentle with me, kind, who listened and truly made me feel like a whole person. we found so much companionship with eachother, so much laughter. he is my favorite adventure partner, my favorite person to tell everything to. I loved even the simplest days with him. I thought we were in it for the really long haul. I never wanted life without him. he was my entire sense of safety, the first person I figured out how to have conflict with, that I could express my feelings to, that I could be very vulnerable with.

A month ago, when I was trying to talk about some relationship needs (I felt he had been distant and I was trying to see if we could have more quality time, what we could do to shake things up a little or have more connection) it spiraled into a conversation where he told me he had been feeling so much doubt about our relationship for months, it was all he could think about, and he couldn't take it anymore. I genuinely thought we were just talking about issues and I was trying not to get really upset, telling him I think it's okay and normal in any long term relationship to have doubt. He kept telling me I wasn't getting it and I finally asked if he was breaking up with me, and he said yes. I begged him to go back to therapy before doing so, and he said he knew he needed to but he couldn't stay in the relationship.

I have never felt so shattered in my entire life. everything has felt like a weird fog ever since. I feel foolish that we didn't talk about what to do if this happened again, that when we got back together I didn't ask him to continue therapy, or keep trying to see an ocd therapist. my ROCD had been pretty quiet for awhile, and I assumed (if he does have it) his was the same. I feel infuriated that the same pattern was repeated. His family has become my family, his world is mine. I know that there is nothing I can do, that he has to WANT to sit with the doubt, to get therapy, to work on it, all of that. He echoed my sentiments to me so many times about how he didnt want to live life without me, how I was so grounding for him, that he loved me and loved all the things we have gotten to do together - i just really didn't see this coming.

We talked off and on for the couple weeks after the breakup. it was messy. a lot of missing eachother, some sweet words, but also a lot of hurt and frustration and messiness on my side. he always just validated my feelings, said that its okay, apologized to me, said he didnt know what to do. I had to move back in with my parents, and although I am grateful for the space to go and my parents have been kind, I don't feel comforted here. 10 days ago, he asked to go no contact and we haven't talked since.

I haven't missed a day of work through all of this, I have been throwing so much energy into "functioning". I started seeing a new therapist, I've been calling a long distance friend who has been very sweet and good support, hanging out with local friends, reading and going on walks and spending a lot of time searching for a place to rent for myself, listening to music all the time, writing...and then yesterday I feel like it all exploded in my face. All the feeling came rushing back like the breakup was happening again. I feel misunderstood by everyone in my life, because I really do believe he has ROCD and no one else is familiar with it. Maybe it doesnt matter, he ended the relationship and that is that, regardless of the reason. but to me it does matter. I miss him so much, I hurt so much. I miss having my person around, I didn't need a social battery for him. he was just so precious to me. I feel like I am 18 again, erratic and lonely and desperate for someone to see me. Life feels agonizing right now and I just don't know what to do with myself. I have dealt with breakups before, but this one feels so much harder to ride out.

(please be nice I never comment/post online and im scared lmao.)

Hey all, so I am, or I guess now was, dating someone that has relationship ocd. Newer relationship but everything was going great until yesterday. She was planning to come over and was super excited and happy to see me then several hours later, it was like a switch was thrown.

I know she has this and she has explained how it causes her to question everything in relationships. She was saying how she doesn’t want to do long distance forever (only 2 hours which isn’t horrible in my opinion) so instead of seeing how things go she just cut it off now. I did say that it seems like this could be what’s causing her to be afraid and worried and she did say she will think about it more and reflect on that possibility. I am giving her space and time to do so. Is there anything that can help from this side of things?

I really like her and she seemed like she was super into me but then just bam, wall. Right now I’m hoping that not chatting all day every day will help her to realize she misses me but I’m not overly optimistic. Any advice or what have you would be awesome. Just kinda heart broken and confused and not sure what to do. I only learned about this form of OCD because of her telling me she has it so I have no clue here.

After 3 months of constant upset because of his OCD getting worse, then 6 months of him not even talking to me (and me reaching out and trying to be compassionate and hoping he’d come back) he has finally reached out and said we should part was completely.

And I’m just fucking devastated. To me, this man was my soulmate and I loved him more than I’ve loved anyone or thing in my life. I’ve already vomited once with the stress and had several other scares that I might vomit again. I don’t want to live my life without him. I know that after 6 months it’s not a matter of can’t. Life goes on. But without him in it, everything is grey and dull and sad and I feel my loss in every moment without him. I don’t know how to fucking move on.

I just wish I fucking knew the thought process behind his decision. Does he not love me anymore? Does he think this is best for me? Is he just taking the godamn easy way out? It hurts that I’m never going to know. And that our relationship is forever going to be tainted by the way he behaved last year. I wanted to help him so much and he wouldn’t let me. Maybe couldn’t let me. I probably should’ve accepted that as a sign and moved on but I’m an idiot.

There’s so many things I’ll never get to tell him or do with him. I’ve lost my best friend, my favourite person. I don’t know when I’m going to feel okay again…

**I (26M) have been seeing a woman (24F) I met on Hinge for almost 2 months, and I’m struggling badly with retroactive jealousy.**

She’s caring, supportive, loving, and genuinely seems to care deeply about me. The problem is that I can’t stop obsessing over her past. Her body count before me is 4. One of those experiences was with a guy she met on Hinge. According to her, they talked for about a week on Hinge, went on two dates, slept together on the second date, and continued talking afterward for a while, but they never met again after having sex and it never became a relationship.

I view sex as something that should happen within meaningful relationships, so the idea of sleeping with someone that quickly really bothers me, even though I don’t want to feel this way.

To make things more complicated, on our first date I lied and said my body count was 8 and that I’d had a threesome, when in reality my body count is 4. I did this because I thought she’d be more comfortable telling me the truth about her past. Initially, she said her body count was 5, but two days after I admitted I had lied, she said her actual number was 4. Since then, I’ve questioned whether she’s being completely honest.

I’ve repeatedly brought up her past, asked for timelines, and said hurtful things that she didn’t deserve. I know this isn’t healthy, and I don’t want to keep hurting someone who has otherwise been very good to me.

Am I dealing with retroactive jealousy and trust issues, or is this simply a values incompatibility? Has anyone managed to get past something like this?