u/anamcharalorgaire

a long story, and still missing much of the context: we met when we were 18/19, now 22 and 23. He has my been my best friend since I met him. we had such a unique way of clicking that I had, and still have, never found with anyone. I had a very lonely childhood, a lot of issues with my family, had some lovely friendships but that lacked true emotional depth. I have OCD and have been seeing therapists off and on since I was 18. me and him bonded very closely over a lot of mental health things, and when he described things he had experienced throughout childhood and adulthood as we got closer, I felt he also had OCD. when we started dating we had a rough start of off and on, always broken off by him, for various reasons that were never super concrete. after being treated for ROCD myself in the future years, it clicked with me that he might also be experiencing something similar, and I told him as much. After a 3 month break and no contact (I moved out of state for a seasonal job, and we got back in touch through letters he started sending me) we got back together. (for additional context, he had started therapy in this time through his insurance, his therapist refused to refer him to an ocd specialist, and he stopped seeing her after a few months) For the last year and a half, our relationship has been solid. We ended up living together for the last year. I have never been so close to a person in my life. he is the first man I met that was gentle with me, kind, who listened and truly made me feel like a whole person. we found so much companionship with eachother, so much laughter. he is my favorite adventure partner, my favorite person to tell everything to. I loved even the simplest days with him. I thought we were in it for the really long haul. I never wanted life without him. he was my entire sense of safety, the first person I figured out how to have conflict with, that I could express my feelings to, that I could be very vulnerable with.

A month ago, when I was trying to talk about some relationship needs (I felt he had been distant and I was trying to see if we could have more quality time, what we could do to shake things up a little or have more connection) it spiraled into a conversation where he told me he had been feeling so much doubt about our relationship for months, it was all he could think about, and he couldn't take it anymore. I genuinely thought we were just talking about issues and I was trying not to get really upset, telling him I think it's okay and normal in any long term relationship to have doubt. He kept telling me I wasn't getting it and I finally asked if he was breaking up with me, and he said yes. I begged him to go back to therapy before doing so, and he said he knew he needed to but he couldn't stay in the relationship.

I have never felt so shattered in my entire life. everything has felt like a weird fog ever since. I feel foolish that we didn't talk about what to do if this happened again, that when we got back together I didn't ask him to continue therapy, or keep trying to see an ocd therapist. my ROCD had been pretty quiet for awhile, and I assumed (if he does have it) his was the same. I feel infuriated that the same pattern was repeated. His family has become my family, his world is mine. I know that there is nothing I can do, that he has to WANT to sit with the doubt, to get therapy, to work on it, all of that. He echoed my sentiments to me so many times about how he didnt want to live life without me, how I was so grounding for him, that he loved me and loved all the things we have gotten to do together - i just really didn't see this coming.

We talked off and on for the couple weeks after the breakup. it was messy. a lot of missing eachother, some sweet words, but also a lot of hurt and frustration and messiness on my side. he always just validated my feelings, said that its okay, apologized to me, said he didnt know what to do. I had to move back in with my parents, and although I am grateful for the space to go and my parents have been kind, I don't feel comforted here. 10 days ago, he asked to go no contact and we haven't talked since.

I haven't missed a day of work through all of this, I have been throwing so much energy into "functioning". I started seeing a new therapist, I've been calling a long distance friend who has been very sweet and good support, hanging out with local friends, reading and going on walks and spending a lot of time searching for a place to rent for myself, listening to music all the time, writing...and then yesterday I feel like it all exploded in my face. All the feeling came rushing back like the breakup was happening again. I feel misunderstood by everyone in my life, because I really do believe he has ROCD and no one else is familiar with it. Maybe it doesnt matter, he ended the relationship and that is that, regardless of the reason. but to me it does matter. I miss him so much, I hurt so much. I miss having my person around, I didn't need a social battery for him. he was just so precious to me. I feel like I am 18 again, erratic and lonely and desperate for someone to see me. Life feels agonizing right now and I just don't know what to do with myself. I have dealt with breakups before, but this one feels so much harder to ride out.

(please be nice I never comment/post online and im scared lmao.)