u/Lady_Luci_fer

(tw for EDs due to talk about unintentional fasting and vomiting related to stress)

Especially in this hot weather (I’m in the UK)? I can’t exercise much because it’s too hot and that’s usually the sort of thing that helps.

Long story short I’m dealing with breakup emotions that have been building for months and I can’t find a distraction at all because my brain is too busy doing its ADHD thing. But if I thinking about the breakup too much, I start getting panic/anxiety attacks and I have vomited because of one of them. Almost vomited a few times since but my appetite has been shot so I think my body realises I have nothing to vomit up anymore. My appetite probably won’t be fixed for a few months so I’ll have to start forcing it soon so I’m not doing days long fasts because yikes 😅 I had a small bite at lunch yesterday and really struggled to keep it down and just haven’t tried since.

I just want to find a distraction that works lol.

Crochet used to work but when I’m this upset, I can’t focus on it at all. TV/etc isn’t distraction enough because it gives me room to think - I usually end up doomscrolling anyway. Lego worked for a bit but I can’t afford any more.

Really don’t want to keep doomscrolling because it usually ends up making my mental health worse eventually and I’d finally gotten into good habits of not picking my phone up much.

I’ve had a chaotic time with my relationship and long story short, after 6 months of not talking to my ex due to his mental health, he has come back and said we should part ways fully. Admittedly, I am not taking this well despite plenty of time I should have gotten over it, but honestly after months of disrespect from him I’m a little beyond owing him any. Breaking up with him months ago is one of my deepest regrets but I also know, logically, it had to happen and was likely important at the time.

I had considered how hurt I was by the idea of being single while waiting for him to hopefully talk to me, but now I’m really in this situation I feel lost. I don’t really do anything nowadays that would allow me to meet people, so I’m sort of resigned to it never happening.

I’ll probably get over this feeling, as based on the last 6 months, it’s not that I actually want to be in a relationship generally but rather it’s residual feelings for him. I’ve never loved someone so much and for the last 6 months, and now, I’ve been experiencing literal heartbreak. Like, I didn’t realise that you can actually have heart pain due to relationship loss but turns out that’s a real thing and I’ve not been enjoying it lol.

I know I’m going to have to move on from him but I also know how hard that’s going to be and last time (long story) I didn’t even get over him while dating someone else. I remember feeling really bad because I kept talking about him to my girlfriend of the time even though we’d gone no contact. I was with her for two years and never stopped thinking of him. I still feel bad about that. I stopped loving him in the same way, eventually, but that largely happened because we started talking again and I was able to love him as a friend instead (until I developed feelings all over again).

Now I know I’m going to have to deal with the loss of him completely and that is terrifying. He’s been the most important person in my life for so long and I struggle to imagine finding that again. I miss feeling loved.

After 3 months of constant upset because of his OCD getting worse, then 6 months of him not even talking to me (and me reaching out and trying to be compassionate and hoping he’d come back) he has finally reached out and said we should part was completely.

And I’m just fucking devastated. To me, this man was my soulmate and I loved him more than I’ve loved anyone or thing in my life. I’ve already vomited once with the stress and had several other scares that I might vomit again. I don’t want to live my life without him. I know that after 6 months it’s not a matter of can’t. Life goes on. But without him in it, everything is grey and dull and sad and I feel my loss in every moment without him. I don’t know how to fucking move on.

I just wish I fucking knew the thought process behind his decision. Does he not love me anymore? Does he think this is best for me? Is he just taking the godamn easy way out? It hurts that I’m never going to know. And that our relationship is forever going to be tainted by the way he behaved last year. I wanted to help him so much and he wouldn’t let me. Maybe couldn’t let me. I probably should’ve accepted that as a sign and moved on but I’m an idiot.

There’s so many things I’ll never get to tell him or do with him. I’ve lost my best friend, my favourite person. I don’t know when I’m going to feel okay again…

I’ve just seen a post from a scientist with a PhD in hormones (linked for those interested!) and suddenly everything makes so much more sense.

It’s not long now since I’ve been told I may have PMDD by my gynaecologist and I’ve had a really complicated relationship with the idea of OCD because of my ex-partner who has it (I’ve been on here to vent a few times).

I always struggled with his explanations because I felt them so much, but I knew I didn’t have OCD because I don’t relate to the experience of feeling beholden to and distressed by my intrusive thoughts on a *day-to-day* basis.

Now I’m like holyyyy that’s it. I get it because when I’m experiencing it but for shorter periods of time.

I remember saying to him ‘OCD is really interesting to me because I feel like I experience the same but I’m able to let go’. *Because I get a whole 3 weeks of the month to learn how to let go of my intrusive thoughts before they’re intense.*

It makes so much more sense now understanding that I am probably experiencing the same thing but because I’m not burnt out, experiencing it 24/7, I’m finding the energy to deal with it.

It makes so much more sense now why for a week every month I find it taking effort to not argue with my own thoughts and make moral corrections, and my perfectionism goes crazy. I’ve been doing ERP with myself for years because I had 3 weeks of the month where I felt alright to recognise that I felt worse on the months I tried to satisfy my brain.

It’s still, obviously, not the same as OCD and nowhere near as life shattering, but I can’t believe it’s taken this long for it to click that I relate to aspects of OCD because I do experience strong intrusive thoughts on a regular basis.

I’ve made a couple of posts now about this but long story short, after 7 years of being best friends and partners, my partner’s OCD took a massive nosedive and became unmanageable. However, at the time, instead of being fully honest about that or informing me when he was having a tough time, he was not speaking to me for weeks at a time. I did eventually snap and tell him it was over, because a relationship is two people not one. (By which I meant, I couldn’t keep telling people I was in a relationship with someone who for all intents and purposes didn’t exist in my life for weeks at a time, an I wish I’d phrased it better at the time). He didn’t reply to my break up message and I left it for a few months hoping a bit of distance would help (fyi I know more about OCD now and I know better, although I was in an impossible situation). I’ve been reaching out about monthly since but fear I’ve occasionally let my emotions get the best of me and sent follow up messages. There were more issues than just the ghosting that his OCD caused, although a small number of those issues are very much my grief ridden brain choosing to misinterpret accidents and struggle as bigger deals than they were.

Long bit of context over, it’s now been months since we started having issues (around October time last year) and months again since I snapped and sent that breakup message (massive regret) in January. I still haven’t heard a peep from him. I’ve spoken with his mum to get an update on how he’s doing and from what she’s said, he does want to talk to me but is still struggling to get by day-to-day and having bad intrusive thought cycles around the idea of returning any of my messages. He’s apparently been thrown around different NHS services this whole time and still hasn’t been able to access treatment.

Am I an idiot for trying to hold onto this relationship? I love him so much and I don’t want to lose him but every time is steel myself up to finally say ‘this isn’t okay’ I lose all conviction because what if he gets better and things could work out?

It’s so frustrating as well knowing that he’s making this so much worse for himself. He’s going to have to get such a strong grip on his OCD to talk to me because the longer he leaves it, the more anxiety inducing reaching out is going to be. Even I feel anxious when I reach out and think about talking to him again and I have reached a point in the last year, largely due to this situation, where I am extremely okay sitting with anxiety and letting it go.

This situation just feels so impossible. Idk, maybe this is just a vent, I’m just really not sure where my frustration needs to be directed anymore.