I need help enforcing boundaries with controlling coparent
I really need advice on how to handle this situation with my son’s father.
When my son was almost 3, I left his father, who is very controlling and deeply into “sovereign citizen” beliefs/government conspiracy thinking. After my son was born at home, his father refused to let me get him a birth certificate. I know people will ask why I went along with it, but I had just given birth, I was scared of him, isolated, financially dependent, and honestly ashamed to tell my family how extreme things had gotten.
Eventually I left and fixed everything legally. My son now has a birth certificate and Social Security card. I am the only legal parent listed because we were never married and his father refuses to be on the birth certificate.
His father also currently has a suspended/expired license, no insurance, and expired tabs. Despite all of this, I’ve still allowed him to have parenting time on weekends because I wanted my son to have a relationship with him.
The problem is that his dad treats access to our son like an entitlement while constantly verbally attacking me. He sends nonstop texts criticizing me, insulting me, accusing me of harming our son, saying my “energy” is bad, criticizing his diet even though he eats well, getting angry when I take him to the doctor, saying antibiotics are poison, etc. I’ve repeatedly asked him to keep communication focused only on our son and practical logistics, but he refuses.
I also want to start getting my son vaccinated, and I know his father will completely lose it over that. I worry he would expose our son to his anger and paranoia.
I already spoke with Friend of the Court, and they basically told me that because there’s no custody order and I’m the only legal parent, I already have full custody. They also warned me that if I initiate court proceedings, it could actually create more rights/involvement for him.
So now I feel stuck.
Part of me wants to completely stop visits because the constant harassment and instability are exhausting. But I’m also genuinely afraid of how he would react if I suddenly cut contact. I worry about harassment, escalation, or constantly looking over my shoulder.
At the same time, I’m afraid that if I continue visits, he could someday refuse to return my son, and then police/legal drama would traumatize my child.
Has anyone dealt with a situation like this — especially with someone who has extreme anti-government/paranoid beliefs? How did you safely reduce contact or create boundaries without escalating things?
I’m mostly trying to figure out:
whether I should slowly reduce visits vs stop them immediately - and how would I do that? He doesn’t respect me.. would the trauma of me trying to do that make things worse for my son?
whether I should formally document everything before making changes
how to protect my son emotionally and legally
whether supervised visits are something I should consider
how to safely handle vaccines/medical decisions when the other parent is extremely opposed
Please be kind. I know I made mistakes staying as long as I did, but I was scared and trying to survive.