u/Ok-Crab-6679

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The deeper you go the more you realize that you haven't gotten over anything ! all states are preserved in the unconscious, as if you were discovering fossiles, all of what you have gone through is nicely preserved in a state of unconsciousness ! all of what you thought you have overcame haven't gone anywhere really, it has nowhere to go !

Hence it's the individual that change dimensions, while what is here have been here before you and will be here after you and have nowhere else to go, hence it's you that needs to go somewhere for you are the stranger here !

At the end though my nature appears different than yours, and understood as opposite to yours, but i'm more you than you are me !

There is a difference between opposition and existence, you can only oppose to what exists, however you can identify with the opposition more faster than understand my existence not as opposition but as existence

To ignore me is to ignore yourself ! to get rid of me is to lose yourself, to love me is to love yourself

I don't wish to be meerly the object of sexuality ! i don't wish my life to be meerly that of fullfilling the sexual task ! and it becomes how i'm looked at. i wish my body was not meerly looked at as an object of your sexual needs !

Thus it is the object of shame, were you trying to spend your entire life in such a way ? all i meant was something shamefull ? something sexual, that all my activity is forbiden ? that all my life is weak ?

I'm not here to blame you really for it, nor ask of you to do anything for me, it's not that you have created this situation ! to put that weight on you is unreasonable

However i wish to be a living girl ! not a dead one that is used for this and for that, not something shamefull that needs to be hidden ! i have a life too and i deserve to live it, thus i wanna experience things too, i'm larger than meerly what you were taught about me ! i'm not meerly sexual, something to satisfy your needs with and forget about the next minute !

At the end i don't feel comfortable with all these things that your surrounding believe about me ! nor i like this life you concieve of ! i can only think of my self as weak, as inferior and with no life in this environement ! that mylife is destined to be this empty, and to be controled by this and that ! that society looks at me this way and the other, i can never live such a life

I feel as if i have no place in it ! as if i would be meerly dead to it, that it would ruin me and kill me slowly ! the way i'm looked at, the chances and possibilities i have, i would have hated everyone around me ! the world and what in it ! i would have cursed everyhting and everyone ! it feels as if it's no home for me !

Or perhaps i felt that my life would be crushed really against what i understood around me ! you kept saying it's all danger, it's all supperiority in here ! it's all strong and powerfull and i am but a little weak one, that there is no place for me

You kept saying that all these things out there would repress me and do this and that for me and that i should never be allowed to live and i shall remain as they say ! as you were taught about me !

I don't know if it was stupid of me to believe you ! or there was no other choice for it's belief after all, or you have decided everything before you have known anything really ! before you have matured into anything ! wasn't easy to do that ? to meerly say that such and such would happen and continue to do that over and over until that becomes your reality really ! was i particularly weak or was it your weakness and childishness ? wasn't your imaturity ? offcourse there is nothing for you to do at that age !

Offcourse you would think such and such would happen because it was easy because it was not happening to you right ? thus it was easy of you to ascribe weakness to me, and to say that i'm the object of all the things you believed in ! at the end if it was you that will get burried ! if it was you that will be overpowered, you would have fought with every cell in you to the last breath ! because it is a life or death situation, you wouldn't meerly sit there and feel sorry for me because i'm dying

None of those walls you built up would have been here if it was about you ! it would not matter if there was a thousand or a million person out there that is against this or that ! for that doesn't matter at all ? you don't care about measurements any longer, you won't care about rules or about numbers ! for now it's you, and when it's you it's very different it's just what it is and everything possible and impossible would be done to arive where you want to arive !

You only concieved of all that horror because it's not happening to you ! but to something else ! that uhh if you were a girl your life would be over ! and you would feel like dying each day of the week ! that you would be stagnating of the kind of life that these people would be ascribing to you ! that you would feel the utmost disgust from all of this culture ! that there is no hope for them ! there is no hope for this dying culture ! this small and pitty vision that is stripped away from all the colors, this mechanical life, this unconscious life ! these battles, these conflicts !

Weren't you in a peculiar way describing an existence that you saw as opposing to you ! but you were describing yourself in a very symbolic way ! you would not have stepped another foot on this planet would you ? because it's dying, because it would make you feel choked, you would not for a second stand the womans around you would you ? that you would rather throw yourself to the ocean rather than become something like them ! they feel lifeless or maybe thats their lives and they can live it as long as they can leave me alone, for that is not the life i wish to live !

Now i don't even know what life i really wanted them to show me ! a life of self expression, of art, of living fully, of creation of freedom, to not be occupied with the other to not use him as an escape goat ! to not live in self pitty and narrowness ! to not live in this religious self pitty ! a life of existence and not opposition, maybe it's not asking too much but meerly asking in the wrong place, their life isn't wrong, nor my life is more right it is only the life i see or perhaps the life that see me and i cannot ignore it !

To me they became opposition not existence ! a very painfull opposition for how can i make them see what i see or really communicate to them what sees me without feeling that i'm not understood, for they are completely locked in their own worlds, trying to bring what i see to a life that was closed and narrow was very painfull

More painful because i was a child and just did not hold back in my hate, in my bitterness in my wish to die one way or the other without leaving a trace, without leaving a tear behind me ! uhh if something have appeared infront of me some daemon summoned itself in my presence and said that he'll erase my existence as if i was never born, as if i was never here, and my parents won't feel any sorrow, that they would simply move on and forget that i have ever been here ! i would have gave him myself, and even now i still don't know of my ability to resist this deal because i know that they know me not !

What they know is just i don't know some facade ! so i would not have felt that i have taken my life away since it was not there anyway. it was not living anyway, thus i would have walked quietly with him away knowing that no one have known me truly ! that nobody have ever seen me to lose me ! i would not have been lost inside anyone or outside ! it would have made no difference ! all they lose is this caricature of me i was playing, and even that i felt that it's necessary for the deal to make my parents forget about that thing that is not even me ! just because that's what they have known !

Even if it was a shit thing, even if it was all fake, them knowing it gave it a great meaning. a great value ! even if it was all things i don't like, things i don't want, since they are the only things that my mother and father those around me know, i can't let go of it ! because it's not about that thing but about who knows it to be ! and so even for that facade i would have held it close to me and refused to let it go, refused to go with the daemon unless he can make my parents and family forget about that facade as well ! that they would not feel any sorrow or pain at losing what is not me ! losing what i never was

Losing what they had ! because i would not have want them to lose their knowing of me, maybe because i believe they know something beautifull and amazing about me ! and it would be painful for them to lose that, that they would feel pain and sorrow at losing their knowing of me ! i would not want them to feel pain at losing the image they have of me ! maybe because that's the only way i exist ! if they did not know me who will ? who i would be ? how would i know myself ? that i am only alive through what they know about me ! or maybe that's what i call life ! and that is what i believe life to be ! that's what i thought life is

Fortunately or unfortunately many stumble upon the works of jung or anything related to the unconscious, the inner workings of one's being, as a result of a regression of Libido !

If you pay attention you'll see that the majority treat the unconscious as an inward phenomena ! as something within themselves, as something fictional and imaginary because it takes place in their inner world !

Though you don't like to confess that the world within you is a world of imagination and it's something quite fictional because that makes you feel inferior to some degree for you want to be real

That which you once wanted to do outside, is now replaced by this doing inside one's being ! that which couldn't flow outside, have now regressed inside to light up this quite interesting world within ! that which one end up calling the unconscious

It's not difficult to see that what couldn't find expression outside turn around to find expression within the individual ! what couldn't blow up and scream outside would turn inwardly and do it inside himself !

Many attempt to fullfill the heroic deeds inside that they coudln't fullfill outside ! regardless of their advancement in the world within there remain a bitter sense of defeat toward the world outside of them ! a bitter sense of inferiority toward this real world !

The introvert observe the crushing weight of the day to day realities, it's as if the world outside of him is built to torture him ! it's an unsuitable ground for him thus he retreat to what he is most familiar with, the world within him which is certainly of a fictional character since the world outside of him is ascribed with a real character !

The one who laugh at those looking outside secretly wish to do the same for he is stuck with looking inside and in his bitterness crush that which looks outside in him and vica versa !

It would have been all fine if the unconscious was meerly that which is within you ! but the unconscious is all you are surrounded by ! it's the people around you, it's the environement, it's the tiger that does not understand that it's love and peace and we shall all live in harmony ! the tiger that is not conscious of the fact that it is devouring you ! it's the insects that would simply bite and sting you however they wish because they are unconscious, and meerly understand you as a target ! something to get away from or something to move toward !

Your very existence give signals to all the unconscious life around you, like a new dot on the radar thus what can feed on you would seek you ! and i mean this both in a psychic way and in a literal way ! but it doesn't end there for the unconscious in you would naturaly seek that which it can feed on and devour, that's how it simply works

The inner quest is there and it will always be there, but some individuals have other things that are urgent and needs their attention but they would use this inner quest as a way to escape that mundane, day to day real, quest whatever that may be !

It's a fact that one would escape to a bigger larger more powerfull problem just to not face the little problem he have in his hands ! for that he does not know how to solve, he need something more and more powerfull something bigger and bigger but it's all to hide the little that for one reason or the other refuses to deal with !

We all have an uncany ability for evading the immediate even if it's little, even if it's small even if it's good, more beautifull, even if it's easy then we run to the beyond which is too much, Big, heavenly, difficult

Dare to not ignore the fact that all what you have been doing, that all your inner quest have a fictional character, dare to see that the world outside of you doesn't give two cents about these unconscious quest you are on ! dare to see that it's all unreal for the outside ! that you are very unreal ! that is perhaps your only salvation... to see to dare !