Feeling like I'm on hold
Maybe not so much a question moreso word vomit.
My partner and I have been together 2 years now. He is my person and I knew very quickly that he's the person I want to marry and have children with. We've spoken about having kids before 35, roughly trying from next year but as time goes on I just can't stop thinking about having a baby this time next year.
It's all I think about honestly, the good and the bad. Can we afford it? is it the right time? is there ever a good time? how long will it take when we do start trying? Am I missing my window? Do we wait and enjoy the time we have just the two of us?
In a perfect world we would be married and own a home together but that stuff can wait imo as I'm more worried about the biological clock (33).
I am in a good financial position (although I still worry about it because that's just the type of person I am). I have a stable job with good leave entitlements, mat leave and flexibility (when returning to work). I have been working since I left school and I've been in my current job for over 10 years. I'm tired. I need a change but I also know I don't want to leave before having kids which feeds into me wanting to ttc earlier.
I know we need to have a more serious conversation about it but I'm a catastrophiser and I worry that the timeline might look differently to how I've hoped. At the same time I need to know a definite date so I can plan for it.
How do you not let it completely consume your thoughts (impossible I know) and how do I navigate making certain life decisions when I know it's totally influenced by future plans to have children?