Only able to form relationships with other fellow schizoids, obsession intervenes
(For context, I've been diagnosed with schizoid and obsessive tendencies, possibly full blown schizoid personality disorder at this point. I started going to therapy because of panic attacks and got diagnosed with panic disorder. My schizoid tendencies have been left undiscussed and I've only realized all my panic attacks trace back to interactions with people recently. I suspect I might have the covert form — I'm highly functioning, my face and tone expressive, but it's all trained and turns off as soon as the social interaction ends. The only person I don't put on this mask around is my mother who I've given up on. She often calls me cold and emotionless. I'm currently waiting for my appointment to share this epiphany with my psychologist. I've only been happy when I've been actively isolating myself in the past 4 years and as soon as I get any closer relationships, I get panic attacks progressively more often. I can't believe I didn't realize this was happening for that long, it felt like nothing was wrong since my panic attacks started to go into remission about a year ago. I felt genuinely happy, but in reality, I was just isolated from what triggered them.)
Looking back at my relationships, I've only ever felt natural around and connected to other people with schizoid tendencies. They share my aversion to society, have a rich world I can merge mine with, and although I still feel like an alien, my brain subconsciously registers them as one of my own. It is a rare occurrence to find someone whose mind feels safe, familiar, comprehensible and habitable to me (that's the best term I've been able to find so far.)
When I do find someone I like, my obsessive tendencies take over. I become hyperactive, showering the person with tons of affection, overwhelming both them and myself. It is exhausting to be in any kind of relationship, whether I feel connected or not. It almost feels like I have been so deprived of love my brain switches to a mode where all this care I've accumulated deep inside my brain throughout my life bursts through the walls of my fortress the moment I feel safe. I've had nowhere safe to put this care and love. As a girlfriend or even a close friend, I experience intense emotions that fuel these obsessions. It needs out, usually in the form of collecting details about what the person likes (not just general information, every single detail they mention), making gifts (I love crocheting plushies based on the information I collect) and I tend to cry a lot just out of the intensity of the emotions and love I feel.
The type of guy I'm attracted to is very specific:
doesn't have many/has zero close relationships because of this shared difficulty to connect
has a rich inner world (hobbies, thoughts, opinions, passions... I tend to gravitate towards philosophy, reading and unique hobbies)
isn't initiative — my attraction seems to be primarily fueled by having to "fight for" a guy, I'm highly dominant
intelligence — usually comes with the rich inner world, intellectual stimulation is a must, although it doesn't seem to be enough to spark attraction in me on its own.
As you can see, despite being a schizoid myself, I'm attracted to traits that directly clash with my obsessive tendencies and intense emotions.
Most of the time, meeting someone I can even connect to feels impossible, I've only met 2 people like that throughout my entire life. I often get frustrated and cry because of the pressure I feel from not being able to release all that care and love that's accumulating in me. I feel extremely apathetic towards 99% of people, and even when I cognitively find them interesting, it doesn't reach the emotional level. It is only when the person shows the traits listed above that the intense emotions and connection passes through this apathy.
I do not know how to stop this from happening.
I do not know how to feel connected without obsessing. A pressing urge is pushing me towards hyperactively tending to any speck of connection I feel 24/7 and it feels unsafe if I don't. I feel the need to hold onto it tightly, like it's so fragile I need to hold it together so it doesn't fall apart, or as if it was a bird that would fly away, never to be seen again, as soon as I stop holding it. And it is unbearably suffocating. I'm even suffocating the schizoid side of myself and I feel terrible whenever I like someone just because of this. It almost feels like I need to protect the person from myself and save them by leaving.
And disappearing is the only way I know how to deal with both my obsessive and schizoid side. I only know how to starve obsessions by distancing myself from that person. It's either the schizoid extreme or the obsessive one, I can't seem to establish anything in between.
I have no idea how common my experience is, I feel indescribably lonely and isolated. The only connection I reliably feel is with books, that's why I read a lot. It is satisfactory enough to keep me functioning, serving as a substitute for real connection with living humans, and I've noticed I become extremely unstable and emotionally fragile when I stop reading for more than a week.
Voluntary physical isolation doesn't bother me, I feel the need to retreat back into my cave and spend time with myself often, but the involuntary isolation caused by lack of connection when I really want to connect is causing me a lot of distress. I mostly wrote this to let it out and I do not expect any solutions or replies, just understanding, even if it's silent.