u/Ok-Intention2839

There is literally NOTHING unique or special about my LO. I just got attracted, because he portrayed a pattern that I have always fallen for before (but never this hard) : older man in authority (also tied to some of my kinks), smart, caring & compassionate and charming. That's it. That's literally IT.

Logically, I know there is no love here. Although, he tried playing a very low-stakes, low-risk cat and mouse with me. I set boundaries, and his ego got bruised. I loved the thrill- but now I wish I didn't fuck it up. But I KNOW, realistically, he was just going to walk after this period ended at the institution.

I've watched plently of YT videos about limerence so far... I educated myself. I know why it happens, and this can be an opportunity for growth and yada yada.

But it hurts like hell. I am always thinking of him. First thing on my mind every single fucking day. Idk if he ever feels this hurt like I do, or if he does, it's all just ego injury for him. He did show signs of obsession too... but I am not sure if we are thinking/feelings the same thing. Although I AM CERTAIN i've induced fear in his heart. It was obvious.

Whatever. It's been MONTHS NOW MONTHS!!!!!! I WANT TO SCREAM IT TO SOMEONE. "He" has robbed SO MUCH of my time already. And reading about limerence and the stats, this can go on for years even 💔💔💔💔

WHY. JUST WHY.

It's like a SPELL I CANNOT BREAK.

So I don't *actually* know where to fucking begin... it was hard as it was to even pull a pen and paper and journal (I was shocked I could even do that) but I want to tell SOMEONE that could AT LEAST semi-get it. But I know, deep down, no one will truly get this messed up dymanic and I will get judged for playing my part in it, too. So, I will not go into details, I will use vague explanations but I just need to get this off my chest.

My LO is someone in power; authority figure at an institute I am rolled in. He happens to have a big title too. I am not going to specify what exactly I am talking about, but just know that I am a female and a uni student. Make with that what you want.

I really don't know how in the fuck did I get into this loop of being stuck on this LO, and it took me more than 2 months of active and active thinking of them (day and night constant) to finally realise what this is.

I don't know if this was just an unfortunate list of all the things I have secretly been or wished for- manifested itself in this person- because I've always been into older men, especially in authority or who love to abuse their power (call it daddy issues), and I am someone who LOVES to be pampered and get them to seek me out. But this LO seemed just perfect. And to them, since day one, they kinda hinted that I was also the perfect "target" without saying all too much. Ever since the first interaction with them, they started sharing a very personal detail from their past life- a romance that failed. And then the LO asked me about my backround- and he hinted that the "unfortunately failed connection" happened due to one of them being already married, but that love of his past, had the same ethnic backround as me.

From there on, he gave me a lot of compliments but they were directly linked to my work- however, it was very clear I was being favored, so much so, that a close person to me started throwing shade at how special I am treated and we ended up breaking our freindship due to the toxicity it reached OVER THIS SITUATION in particular.

But where this gets iffy, is that you can argue that because I am a student who is just as good in all other subjects I study, then it is only natural that I would be given a bit more special treatment than the rest (academically peaking you can say).

On paper, everything he ever does seems very clean. Too clean. Like, pointing it out would send me into a mental asylum. But he, he was giving me way too many fucking signals that it became too hard for me to ignore. It was easy for me at first to think I was simply delusional (because I know I can definitely be)- that this is just how my brain is wired to fish for these dymanics, and he happens to just be yet another one. But even when I tried to pull myself together, he kept being too playful with ME and especially with ME. But in front of others. But he does some confusing things that legit hurt my head, like I get it, i am a "talented student" but you also don't have to be doing all that much.

One time, he asked me in front of some other girls around, if I know his number. I awkwardly said "haha no" and he got a bit upset that I didn't know it already, said it is very easy to find on the university websites. But at that time, we had ALREADY been communicating frequently on email. When I tried to ask him (in messages) why did we move out of emails? He claims it was just because its easier to communicate on social media apps. He claims he isnt as available on Gmail (mind you he replies within MINUTES). The reason I was moved to this social media, was for him to send me my corrected papers on a work I did. I mean whatever. Whatever the FUCK.

One time, and this is the situation that kinda fucked with me for a little, he reacted to his last email message (never reacts to mine only HIS LAST MESSAGES) hours after the conversations ended. I remember we ended the email thread in the morning, and then later at night (12 hours later) I get a notification of his reaction to his last email message. He never ever reacts to MY messages.

I remember then, thinking this is it. This was his way of flirting. But he would act like nothing of this ever happened- and he is just an authority figure treating me like normal.

I went back to the email threads to dig up that reaction and see what the fuck is up- but email does not show you a time stamp for emojis reactions.

So here, I kinda felt like I was being crazy. And then slowly, I got myself gaslighted that this was simply me reading too much into it, or maybe it was a delayed reaction (even tho the conversation ended and there was no room for continuation and I was sure this was what really happened). But I have no proof, other than in my head.

There were other instances of him finding an excuse to talk to me, such as taking a random object and asking me if this was mine?

Totally random object, mind you. And then moving all the from across his desk to come near me to "hear me better" even tho my voice is loud and clear as it is- and I would have made it clearer if he had asked me to repeat myself.

He also came close to me, when I was alone in the room and eating, and asked me for my candid opinion on why others were struggling when it came to this subject. Not to mention, my name (with it's surname which he pretends to write it wrong) was constantly used as an example.

Here and there, I began to "test" the waters- to see what he will respond and do next. I wanted to see if I was insane, or he did in fact act this way because of what I think to be true.

What did I do?

I dropped a very obvious hint that I was into it, and that he doesn't have to fear anything me with.

I acted like I was talking about the work we were discussing on the messaging app, but he got the hint as it seems, and he faced my messages with cold reactions and TOOK BACK HIS HEART REACTION to one of my last messages.

After a while, I got tired of his games and I felt like his rejection of me bruised my ego, so I sent him a corporate-like email asking him not to message me on other apps. And that I prefer we keep all our professional discussions on Gmail as they already were, and that I prefer to use social apps for friends and family only. Yes that one was very bold of me...

He panicked. I could feel his distress from my screen. He called me his "daughter" ONLY AFTER I had sent that email. And he said he will respect my wish. I thank him, and show my understanding. Then, 4 hours later, he sends me an email (seemed panicked still) and confirming with me that he did in fact, delete my number.

From there on, there was a secret tension between us. A bad blood. He looked shy, awkward and tense around me, and tried to avoid eye contact. Not unless I acted normally like before (without giving him passive-aggressive jabs and displaying anger) he talks back normal and seems to regain his confidence too.

This man is deathly affraid of scandals it seems, because there was a scandal of him being innapropriate with someone else (although he brushed it off as him being "fatherly") and everyone there just... moved on from that.

What did my mind do?

It made him this perfectly perfect man who was IN LOVE with me because I am so special. Ignore all red flags and focusing on those moments where he displayed empathy and compassion- but now that I think of it, it is a LEARNED empathy and compassion, as his work/title requires it.

We are now in a very awkward standoff- we no longer see each other, as the uni academic year ended anyways. He tried to fuck me over in some ways, I caught it, and reported it (without telling anyone about this dynamic) at the end, his revenage doesnt seem to have worked because I got my well deserved work to be seen- which he claims he ruined it as a mistake.

He also stood in the middle of the room, pretended to have forgotten what my actual surname was (or said it wrong) while listing all other surnames of girls with my similar first name correctly.

What do I think happened?

I dont know. But this doesn't ring as "love" and definitely not as romantic as I fantasied about it all in my head.

Did I go overboard with my reactions? Yes. I am embarassed of my behaviors.. I also displayed a lot of irritable mood swings. sometimes my self control just vanishes. But is he a manipulative asshole? Yes. I believe that. Was he in love or was I just another easy target *he thought I was easy*? I think there might have been some feelings there, but I kinda killed them all when I began challenging him (although it wss fun for me). I didnt want to be just another game- I retaliated because I was very hurt that I might have been just another victim of his power abuse, and that this isn't really love. It hurt. I think my feelings were genuine- in their own limerence kinda love that I know- but my ego got hurt when I felt he rejected me and so I wanted to show him who he is playing with, like a subtle cold punishment. He has said "I know you very well" before, and I didn't like knowing I was that easy.

He plays it too safe, and so did I.

He looked defeated around me at the end, or very uneasy. Only when I was back to my "normal self", then he seemed to take a breath again.

Whatever. I just wish this didn't steal so much time from me. This limerence killed so much of my energy and time, I am surprised I was able to do anything at all.

I still love him tho. Even tho I am mad at him. Even tho I want him to feel like shit for playing me, and I want him to feel intimidated. I also want him to confess, but he will never ever do that. He shuts down so fast. But idk what he will even confess about?

And this is how I go back to zero, thinking this was all in my head. And cycle repeats and repeats again.

I also think I was out of line and I could've behaved better- but I have always been too impulsive, not surpised.

The end. Thank you for reading.

Sorry for any typos.