I had gay sex as a teenager and still don't understand it
I'm 31M and had my first sexual experience with a boy my age when I was a teenager.
So when I was around 12-13 I stayed at a friend's house from school. We weren't like super close but used to hang around every once and then. When it was late afternoon we decided I should stay overnight and go to school together the next day.
While we were playing some game I created the urge to hump him from the back as if I was fucking him. Stupid things teenagers do at that age. He was surprised at first, probably because in school I was very tall and used to act cool and badass, but didn't seem to not like it. After like 30 seconds I stoped, but we both felt excited, you could tell.
Then when we went to bed we demandet to his mother to put the mattresses next to each other on the floor (so we could still talk before going to bed). From today's perspective it was clear what was going on.
After the door was closed and the light out, I rolled over to his side and repeated the humping movement. This time just in my underwear and laying on him. I called it "sleeping-reflex". Somehow I needed to pretend it's all casual and funny, because I used to act tough in school. He seemed to like it and I repeated it a few more times and then we swapped as well. After a few minutes we had both rock hard dicks and pressed them against each others bodies. Then it all went pretty fast an next thing I remember was that he was fucking me from behind. I didn't know what to think at that moment, also his penis was average to small, so I didn't felt much. Then he came in my ass and I wanted to fuck him too. My dick was so thick and he smaller than me, so It couldn't fit in his ass.
Anyway, after that we went sleeping (or at least tried to). I had millions of thoughts that night. What if I'm gay? Would I do it again? And so on. My uneducated ass even thought I could have catched HIV from him. Yeah, right. Stupid.
We promised not to tell to anyone and never spoke about it again. Eventually we would even avoid each other in school. But after a couple of months we had a school trip and we where in the same room with two other boys. One night we couldn't sleep and after the moment we've thought the other two boys felt asleep, we both felt the sexual tension. He came in to my bed and he sucked my off and jerked my cock. Again I was rock hard and loved it. After I came he demanded to do same to him and I told him I'm not gay, so I wouldn't. He was disappointed and I felt kinda bad. Untill this day I'm not sure if the others were really sleeping or just pretending to us having sex in the room. Very awkward.
After that it never happened again and I went to another school the year after. I never spoke to anyone about it. Not even my therapist or my girlfriend of 8 years relationship. Also I never had any other gay sex experience with anyone. I'm pretty convinced straight, but somehow I still get very aroused when I think about it. Also I watched some TS porn now and then and I kinda liked it. But not so much as I would try it. What does it say about me? I still don't understand it.